very,
      very,
      very,
      first
      time
      in
      my
      life.
      I
     
     
      spent
      hours
      trying
      to
      decide
      what
      kind
      of
     
     
      vehicle
      I
      wanted,
      but
      also
      what
      kind
      of
     
     
      vehicle
      would
      be
      the
      most
      practical
      for
      my
     
     
      lifestyle.
      Since
      I
      have
      two
      school-aged
     
     
      boys
      that
      are
      both
      involved
      in
      hockey
      and
     
     
      other
      extra
      curricular
      activities,
      and
      I
     
     
      myself
      compete
      in
      western
      riding,
      I
      fig-
     
     
      ured
      the
      most
      appropriate
      choice
      would
      be
     
     
      anew
      SUV.
     
    

    
     
      The
      problem
      was,
      when
      I
      figured
     
     
      out
      the
      cost
      of
      gas
      with
      the
      added
      cost
      of
     
     
      my
      payment,
      I
      couldn't
      afford
      one.
      My
     
     
      only
      other
      option
      was
      a
      van.
      I
      had
      sworn
     
     
      all
      my
      life
      that
      I
      would
      never
      drive
      a
      van,
     
     
      and
      every
      time
      I
      considered
      it
      my
      first
     
     
      instinct
      was
      that
      my
      life
      would
      be
      official-
     
     
      ly
      all
      downhill
      from
      there.
      I
      dug
      my
      heels
     
     
      and
      was
      determined
      to
      never
      drive
      a
     
     
      "losermobile."
     
    

    
     
      Unfortunately,
      when
      my
      truck
     
     
      broke
      down
      yet
      again,
      practicality
      finally
     
     
      won
      out
      over
      my
      desire
      to
      be
      "cool,"
      and
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      Epitome
      of
      Stupid
     
    
   
   
    
     
      yes,
      I
      bought
      a
      van.
      After
      driving
      the
      van
     
     
      for
      awhile
      I
      had
      to
      admit
      that
      I
      quite
      liked
     
     
      it.
      It
      was
      more
      comfortable
      than
      my
      old
     
     
      Ford
      Explorer,
      was
      cheaper
      on
      gas,
      and
     
     
      actually
      had
      more
      room.
     
    

    
     
      So
      far
      as
      I
      could
      see
      the
      only
     
     
      change
      in
      my
      "status"
      was
      that
      rather
      than
     
     
      being
      the
      designated
      driver
      for
      a
      bunch
      of
     
     
      drunks,
      I
      was
      now
      the
      official
      designated
     
     
      driver
      for
      people
      ages
      ten
      and
      under.
      That
     
     
      was
      ok,
      I
      tried
      to
      convince
      myself,
      I
      was
     
     
      simply
      "maturing."
     
    

    
     
      Getting
      to
      the
      point
      of
      this
      article
     
     
      I
      must
      first
      explain
      that
      I
      am
      a
      firm
      believ-
     
     
      er
      in
      signs.
      I
      uprooted
      my
      whole
      family
     
     
      three
      and
      half
      years
      ago,
      sold
      my
      home,
     
     
      quit
      my
      job,
      and
      moved
      across
      the
      country
     
     
      based
      on
      a
      sign.
      Most
      people
      say
      that
      I
      am
     
     
      slightly
      crazy
      when
      I
      tell
      them
      that
      me,
      my
     
     
      six-year-old,
      my
      fifteen-month-old
      and
      my
     
     
      dog,
      camped
      across
      the
      country
      and
      sort
      of
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Travel
      The
      World
      &
      Get
      Paid
      to:
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Teach
      English
     
     
      Overseas!
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Call
      for
      Nearest
      Location
     
     
      globaltesol.com
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      oe
      ae
     
    

    
     
      ie:
     
     
      ended
      up
      here.
     
    

    
     
      Yet,
      after
      successfully
      completing
     
     
      my
      honours
      degree
      (in
      May),
      buying
      my
     
     
      own
      home,
      and
      enjoying
      both
      working
      and
     
     
      living
      in
      PEI,
      I
      think
      I
      can
      confidently
      say
     
     
      that
      following
      that
      sign
      was
      a
      good
      deci-
     
     
      sion.
      My
      problem
      is
      that
      I
      have
      been
     
     
      given
      several
      negative
      signs
      about
      my
      van,
     
     
      especially
      lately.
     
    

    
     
      Not
      three
      months
      after
      I
      bought
      it
     
     
      I
      walked
      out
      of
      Southport
      Home
      Hardware
     
     
      and
      someone
      had
      re-ended
      it
      and
      pushed
      in
     
     
      the
      entire
      back
      door.
      Two
      weeks
      later
      it
     
     
      was
      tarred
      by
      highways,
      who
      generously
     
     
      agreed
      to
      pay
      to
      have
      it
      cleaned.
      Less
      than
     
     
      a
      month
      after
      that
      it
      was
      tarred
      again.
      I
     
     
      was
      too
      embarrassed
      to
      call
      highways
     
    
   
   
    
     
      again
      and
      cleaned
      it
      myself.
     
    

    
     
      The
      final
      straw
      happened
      last
     
     
      week.
      I
      was
      parked
      in
      the
      lot
      by
      the
      class-
     
     
      room
      complex
      and
      walked
      out
      only
      to
      find
     
     
      that
      someone
      had
      hit
      my
      van
      again.
      The
     
     
      difference
      this
      time
      was
      that
      they
      were
      lit-
     
     
      erally
      still
      parked
      up
      my
      proverbial
      ass!
     
    

    
     
      I
      couldn't
      believe
      my
      eyes,
      not
     
     
      only
      had
      they
      indented
      my
      bumper
      but
     
     
      they
      hadn't
      even
      had
      the
      intelligence
      to
     
     
      back
      up
      or
      move
      their
      car.
      Do
      you
      think
     
     
      someone
      is
      trying
      to
      tell
      me
      something?
     
     
      That's
      fine
      I
      thought.
      I
      called
      security
      who
     
     
      took
      all
      the
      particulars,
      and
      I
      drove
      off
      to
     
     
      do
      my
      errands,
      thinking
      to
      myself
      what
     
     
      kind
      of
      idiot
      doesn't
      notice
      when
      they
      hit
     
     
      another
      vehicle?
      Apparently,
      this
      is
      a
      stu-
     
     
      pid
      question.
     
    

    
     
      When
      I
      came
      back
      that
      same
     
     
      afternoon
      for
      German
      I
      parked
      in
      the
      same
     
     
      lot.
      An
      hour
      later
      I
      came
      out
      only
      to
      dis-
     
     
      cover
      another
      vehicle
      in
      the
      same
      position
     
     
      up
      the
      ass
      of
      my
      nice,
      new,
      beautiful
      blue
     
     
      LOSER
      MOBILE!!!
      What,
      am
      I
      a
      target
     
     
      now?
      I
      don't
      think
      it
      is
      very
      funny.
      I
      don't
     
     
      like
      these
      signs
      and
      whoever
      is
      sending
     
     
      them
      should
      stop.
      I
      am
      not
      a
      geek,
      and
     
     
      besides
      the
      person
      who
      hit
      my
      van
      is
      an
     
     
      Ignoranus:
      A
      person
      who's
      both
      stupid
      and
     
     
      an
      asshole.
      So
      THERE!!
     
    

    
     
      Oh
      and
      by
      the
      way...
      enjoy
      the
     
     
      pictures
      of
      your
      car,
      maybe
      next
      time
      you
     
     
      decide
      to
      pick
      on
      those
      who
      are
      less
      "cool"
     
     
      than
      yourself
      you
      will
      think
      twice
      before
     
     
      you
      target
      the
      News
      Editor
      of
      the
      paper!
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Each
      year
      the
      Washington
      Post's
      Style
     
     
      Invitational
      asks
      readers
      to
      take
      any
      word
     
     
      from
      the
      dictionary,
      alter
      it
      by
      adding,
     
     
      subtracting,
      or
      changing
      only
      one
      letter
     
     
      and
      supply
      a
      new
      definition.
      Here
      are
      the
     
     
      2002
      winners:
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Intaxication:
      Euphoria
      at
      getting
      a
      tax
     
     
      refund,
      which
      lasts
      until
      you
      realize
      it
     
     
      was
      your
      money
      to
      start
      with.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Reintarnation:
      Coming
      back
      to
      life
      as
      a
     
     
      hillbilly.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Foreploy:
      Any
      misrepresentation
      about
     
     
      yourself
      for
      the
      purpose
      of
      getting
      laid.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Giraffiti:
      Vandalism
      painted
      very,
      very
     
     
      high.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Sarchasm:
      The
      gulf
      between
      the
      author
     
     
      of
      sarcastic
      wit
      and
      the
      person
      who
      does-
     
     
      n't
      get
      it.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Inoculatte:
      To
      take
      coffee
      intravenously
     
     
      when
      you
      are
      running
      late.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Hipatitis:
      Terminal
      Coolness
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Osteopornosis:
      A
      degenerate
      disease.
     
     
      (This
      one
      got
      extra
      credit).
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Karmageddon:
      It's
      like,
      when
      everybody
     
     
      is
      sending
      off
      all
      these
      really
      bad
      vibes,
     
     
      right?
      And
      then,
      like,
      the
      Earth
      explodes
     
     
      and
      it's
      like,
      a
      serious
      bummer.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Glibido:
      All
      talk
      and
      no
      action.
     
    

    
     
      Dopeler
      Effect:
      The
      tendency
      of
      stupid
     
     
      ideas
      to
      seem
      smarter
      when
      they
      come
      at
     
     
      you
      rapidly.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      And
      the
      winner:
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Ignoranus:
      A
      person
      who's
      both
      stupid
     
     
      and
      an
      asshole.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      iRnee.
      IT
      april
      2,
      2003