“What
      was
      that,
      Mr.
      Scott?”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      (Embarrassed)
      “Uh,
      uh,
      Tickled,
      sir,
      ’'m
      just
      tickled
     
     
      to
      death
      to
      be
      able
      to
      work
      miracles
      for
      ye,
      sir.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      (Flat
      and
      unimpressed)
      “Why,
      thank
      you,
      Mr.
      Scott.
     
     
      In
      that
      case,
      I’ll
      see
      what
      else
      I
      can
      dig
      up
      for
      you.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “Thank’ye,
      sir,
      and
      you
      have
      a
      good
      daycycle
      too,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      sir
     
     
      {ComLink
      drops}
     
    
   
   
    
     
      (Dippy
      Ensign
      Approaches)
      “Uh,
      Mr.
      Scott,
      sir,
      uh,
     
     
      gosh,
      uh,
      I
      just
      can’t
      get
      that
      magnetic
      resonance
     
     
      vacuum
      reservoir
      to
      work,
      sir.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “Ensign,
      just
      wrap
      the
      transducer
      pile
      with
      a
      bit
      of
     
     
      Goron
      insulation,
      and
      accelerate
      the
      vacuum
      to
     
     
      three
      times
      the
      speed
      of
      light.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “But,
      sir,
      I
      can’t
      do
      that,
      it’s
      not
      possible.
      I
      can’t
     
     
      change
      the
      laws
      of
      physics!”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “Tm
      well
      aware
      0’
      that,
      Mr.
      Jared,
      and
      I
      didn’a
      ask
     
     
      ye
      to
      change
      the
      laws
      of
      physics,
      och!
      I
      merely
     
     
      want
      ’em
      bent
      a
      little.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      (Dejected)
      “Aye
      sir.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      {Mr.
      Scott
      smiles
      with
      satisfaction
      and
      returns
      to
      his
     
     
      work.
      Fade
      to
      next
      scene}
     
    
   
   
    
     
      -
      Lt.
      Commander
      Boane
      Crusher
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Shampoo,
      Anyone?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      After
      much
      reflection,
      I
      have
      come
      to
      the
     
     
      conclusion
      that
      if
      given
      the
      opportunity
      to
      re-live
     
     
      the
      events
      of
      that
      particular
      day,
      I
      wouldn’t
      change
     
     
      a
      single
      thing;
      except
      perhaps
      the
      outcome.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      I
      entered
      the
      Confederation
      Court
      Mall
     
     
      approximately
      half
      an
      hour
      before
      the
      scheduled
     
     
      closing
      time.
      After
      browsing
      through
      Barbara
      Ann’s
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Ladies
      Wear,
      the
      Kettle
      Creek
      Canvas
      Co.,
      and
      the
     
     
      Book
      Mark,
      I
      knew
      the
      time
      was
      right.
      I
      headed
     
     
      toward
      Shoppers
      Drug
      Mart.
      I
      was
      a
      lady
      with
      a
     
     
      mission.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Upon
      entering
      the
      drug
      store,
      I
      concluded
      that
      my
     
     
      best
      option
      would
      be
      to
      draw
      as
      little
      attention
      to
     
     
      myself
      as
      possible.
      I
      glanced
      around
      to
      ensure
      that
     
     
      no-one
      was
      watching.
      The
      salesperson
      was
      busy
     
     
      waiting
      on
      a
      customer;
      the
      coast
      was
      clear!
      I
      darted
     
     
      up
      the
      aisle
      until
      I
      reached
      the
      cosmetics
     
     
      department.
      Then,
      I
      dug
      into
      my
      pocket
      and
     
     
      withdrew
      the
      most
      important
      ingredient
      in
      my
     
     
      scheme;
      the
      dreaded
      shopping
      list!
      This
      list
     
     
      consisted
      of
      four
      items
      I
      deemed
      necessary
      for
      the
     
     
      survival
      of
      my
      social
      life:
      lip-gloss,
      mascara,
     
     
      perfume,
      and
      shampoo.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      It
      was
      at
      this
      time
      that
      I
      encountered
      my
      first
      real
     
     
      dilema.
      I
      was
      uncertain
      as
      to
      what
      colour
      lipgloss
     
     
      and
      mascara
      would
      best
      suit
      me.
      I
      needed
      to
     
     
      establish
      my
      skin
      tones.
      "Why
      not
      let
      an
      expert
     
     
      decide,”
      I
      thought
      to
      myself.
      Thus,
      I
      enlisted
      the
     
     
      aid
      of
      the
      Clarion
      Computer,
      located
      right
      next
      to
     
     
      me
      on
      my
      left.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      We,
      the
      computer
      and
      myself,
      came
      to
      the
     
     
      conclusion
      that
      Clarion’s
      Waterproof
      Blue
      Mascara
     
     
      and
      Dusty
      Rose
      Lip-gloss
      would
      do
      wonders
      for
      my
     
     
      skin.
      I
      calmly
      gathered
      up
      the
      make-up
      and
      stuffed
     
     
      it
      into
      my
      purse,
      being
      cautious
      that
      I
      wasn’t
      being
     
     
      observed.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Next,
      I
      went
      in
      search
      of
      perfume.
      I
      wanted
     
     
      something
      different.
      After
      sampling
      half
      a
      dozen
     
     
      brands
      of
      perfume,
      I
      found
      the
      one
      I
      had
      been
     
     
      looking
      for.
      The
      label
      read
      Polo,
      cologne
      for
      men.
     
     
      Well,
      that’s
      certainly
      different!
      By
      this
      time
      I
      just
     
     
      smelled
      LOVELY!
      The
      scent
      of
      perfume
      was
      so
     
     
      strong
      that
      even
      I
      couldn’t
      stand
      the
      smell
      of
     
     
      myself!
      I
      picked
      up
      the
      smallest
      bottle
      of
      cologne
     
     
      I
      could
      find
      and
      placed
      it
      in
      my
      purse,
      right
      beside
     
     
      my
      make-up.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      There
      was
      but
      one
      item
      left
      on
      my
      list;
      shampoo.
     
     
      This
      was
      going
      to
      be
      the
      most
      difficult
      item
      on
      the
     
     
      list.
      After
      all,
      it’s
      crucial
      that
      a
      person’s
      hair
      smell
     
     
      good.
      Why,
      I’ve
      known
      people’s
      entire
      social
      lives
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      UPEI
      X-Press
     
    
   
   
    
     
      October
      18,
      1990
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Page
      9