My
      Name
      is
      Will
      and
      |
      am
      a
      Recovering
      Addict
     
     
      By
      Will
      PATE
     
    
   
   
    
     
      I
      now
      make
      this
      declaration
      at
     
     
      least
      four
      times
      a
      week
      at
      12
      step
     
     
      meetings
      in
      front
      of
      other
      recovering
     
     
      addicts.
     
    

    
     
      I
      will
      consume
      anything
      that
     
     
      will
      get
      me
      "high".
      I've
      used
      every
     
     
      drug
      I've
      had
      access
      to,
      to
      the
      limits
      of
     
     
      my
      finances
      and
      well
      beyond
      what
     
     
      medical
      science
      says
      my
      body
      should
     
     
      have
      been
      able
      to
      process
      without
     
     
      dying
      of
      overdose.
      I
      learned
      how
      to
     
     
      hide
      my
      shameful
      habit
      so
      well
      that
     
     
      some
      friends
      didn't
      even
      know
      I
      had
      a
     
     
      real
      problem.
     
    

    
     
      I
      suffer
      from
      chemical
      depend-
     
     
      ency:
      a
      progressive,
      incurable
      and
     
     
      potentially
      terminal
      disease
      that
      any-
     
     
      one
      can
      catch.
      It
      is
      a
      disease
      of
      the
     
     
      brain,
      where
      mood-altering
      chemicals
     
     
      affect
      the
      reward
      pathway
      in
      a
      manner
     
     
      much
      stronger
      than
      normal
      people.
      The
     
     
      disease
      hijacks
      the
      brain's
      natural
      capa-
     
     
      bility
      to
      remember
      pleasant
      experi-
     
     
      ences
      better
      than
      unpleasant
      ones,
      cre-
     
     
      ating
      an
      obsession
      of
      thought
      which
     
     
      leads
      to
      compulsive
      using
      behaviour.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      I've
      been
      freed
      from
      con-
     
     
      stant
      obsession
      about
     
     
      using.
      I've
      been
      released
     
     
      from
      pseudo-friendships
     
     
      that
      were
      based
      on
      co-
     
     
      dependency.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Chemical
      dependency
      is
      par-
     
     
      ticularly
      baffling
      and
      dangerous
     
     
      because
      it
      is
      the
      only
      disease
      in
      the
     
     
      world
      that
      tries
      to
      convince
      the
      sufferer
     
     
      that
      they
      do
      not
      have
      it.
      The
      suffering
     
     
      addict
      lives
      in
      a
      world
      of
      elaborate
     
     
      denial
      systems,
      any
      justification
      or
     
     
      rationalisation
      that
      can
      be
      mustered
      is
     
     
      used.
      When
      others
      express
      concern
      at
     
     
      our
      using,
      we
      isolate
      so
      that
      we
      can
     
     
      use
      irresponsibly
      with
      as
      little
      interfer-
     
     
      ence
      as
      possible.
     
    

    
     
      Even
      when
      their
      whole
      lives
     
     
      are
      falling
      down
      around
      them
      and
     
     
      everyone
      else
      can
      see
      it,
      the
      addict
     
     
      usually
      has
      to
      hit
      rock
      bottom
      before
      —
     
     
      they
      can
      admit
      they
      need
      help.
     
    

    
     
      After
      years
      of
      battling
      the
     
     
      monster
      alone,
      in
      early
      December
      I
     
     
      checked
      myself
      into
      the
      Mount
      Herbert
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Provincial
      Addictions
      Centre
      to
      partici-
     
     
      pate
      in
      their
      inpatient
      detoxification
     
     
      and
      rehabilitation
      programs.
      I
      spent
      a
     
     
      week
      in
      detox
      allowing
      my
      mind
      and
     
     
      body
      to
      go
      through
      the
      withdrawal
     
     
      process
      and
      then
      three
      weeks
      in
      rehab
     
     
      learning
      about
      my
      disease
      and
      its
     
     
      implications
      in
      my
      life.
      The
      hardest
     
     
      thing
      not
      to
      do
      that
      day,
      before
      I
     
     
      checked
      myself
      in,
      was
      to
      use
      -
      get
      one
     
     
      more
      drugging
      in
      before
      I
      couldn't
      do
     
     
      it
      anymore.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Only
      1
      in
      20
      addicts
      will
     
     
      ever
      make
      it
      into
      a
      rehab
     
     
      program
      at
      least
      once
      in
     
     
      their
      life.
      Only
      1
      in
      1000
     
     
      will
      ever
      make
      it
      into
      a
      12
     
    

    
     
      Step
      meeting.
      Of
      those
     
     
      lucky
      few,
      only
      1
      in
      4
      will
     
     
      manage
      to
      be
      successful
     
     
      and
      live
      a
      life
      of
      recovery.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Looking
      back
      on
      the
      difficulty
     
     
      of
      that
      internal
      struggle
      killed
      any
      lin-
     
     
      gering
      thought
      that
      maybe
      it
      was
      all
      in
     
     
      my
      head,
      maybe
      I
      could
      use
      occasion-
     
     
      ally,
      maybe
      I
      was
      the
      exception.
     
    

    
     
      Rehab
      is
      consists
      of
      three
      daily
     
     
      harsh
      doses
      of
      reality.
      The
      morning
     
     
      session
      involves
      of
      facing
      some
      new
     
     
      component
      of
      recovery,
      in
      the
      after-
     
     
      noon
      your
      psyche
      is
      prodded
      and
     
     
      poked
      to
      evaluate
      your
      response
      to
      this
     
     
      new
      concept
      and
      the
      final
      session
      after
     
     
      supper
      is
      thankfully
      only
      about
      half
      as
     
     
      taxing
      as
      the
      previous
      two.
      You
      literal-
     
     
      ly
      get
      bombarded
      with
      information-
      it's
     
     
      impossible
      for
      the
      feeble
      human
      mind
     
     
      to
      absorb
      and
      process
      it
      all.
     
    

    
     
      A
      good
      number
      of
      the
      counsel-
     
     
      lors
      are
      recovering
      addicts
      themselves,
     
     
      so
      even
      when
      in
      my
      moments
      of
     
     
      despair
      I
      could
      talk
      to
      someone
      that
     
     
      understood
      my
      exactly
      what
      I
      was
     
     
      going
      through.
     
    

    
     
      When
      an
      in
      active
      addiction,
     
     
      we
      suppress
      our
      feelings
      and
      numb
      our
     
     
      emotions
      by
      self-
      medicating.
      Once
     
     
      clean,
      this
      means
      we
      have
      a
      large
     
     
      backlog
      of
      unresolved
      issues
      waiting
     
     
      for
      us
      -
      an
      emotional
      glut,
      if
      you
      will.
     
     
      A
      large
      part
      of
      rehab
      and
      the
      extended
     
     
      process
      of
      recovery
      is
      learning
      to
      iden-
     
    
   
   
    
     
      tify
      and
      deal
      with
      our
      feelings
      without
     
     
      any
      chemical
      crutch,
      often
      referred
      to
     
     
      in
      recovery
      programs
      as
      "living
      life
      on
     
     
      life's
      terms".
     
    

    
     
      The
      most
      important
      thing
      I
     
     
      learned
      is
      that
      I
      have
      a
      disease
      that
      I
     
     
      am
      powerless
      over.
      Addiction
      is
      not
      a
     
     
      character
      defect
      or
      moral
      weakness.
      An
     
     
      addict
      is
      no
      more
      to
      blame
      for
      their
     
     
      disease
      than
      someone
      with
      diabetes
      or
     
     
      schizophrenia.
      I'm
      not
      a
      bad
      person
      for
     
     
      the
      things
      I
      did
      in
      active
      addiction,
      I
     
     
      was
      a
      sick
      person.
      I
      was
      unable
      to
      take
     
     
      responsibility
      for
      my
      actions,
      but
      I
      am
     
     
      responsible
      for
      the
      results
      of
      those
     
     
      actions.
     
    

    
     
      With
      no
      cure,
      the
      best
      a
      recov-
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ering
      addict
      can
      hope
      for
      is
      a
      daily
     
     
      reprieve
      from
      active
      addiction.
      Every
     
     
      day
      I
      wake
      up
      I
      have
      to
      decide
      that
      I
     
     
      won't
      use
      drugs
      for
      that
      day
      and
      that
     
     
      all
      drugs
      can
      offer
      me
      are
      three
      eventu-
     
     
      alities:
      jails,
      institutions
      or
      death.
      I
     
     
      must
      affirm
      my
      fear
      of
      relapse,
      which
     
     
      is
      a
      reality
      for
      most.
      I
      tell
      myself
      that
      I
     
     
      am
      a
      good
      person
      and
      that
      I
      deserve
      to
     
     
      live
      my
      life
      to
      the
      fullest.
     
    

    
     
      It
      takes
      a
      lot
      to
      stay
      sober:
     
     
      Attending
      12
      Step
      meetings
      frequently,
     
     
      working
      my
      steps
      on
      a
      daily
      basis
      and
     
     
      having
      a
      strong
      sponsor.
     
    

    
     
      The
      statistics
      thrown
      around
     
     
      recovery
      meetings
      are
      frightening.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      (continued
      on
      next
      page...)
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
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      page
      5