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     ifitfe Svtglea 
     
    
   
   
    
     By Lori Anne Heckbert 
     
    
   
   
    
     Have you got job inter- 
     
     views coming up? Boy, is this 
     
     column for you! In a phrase 
     
     this is Lifestyles’ guide to the 
     
     one hundred and one ways to 
     
    

    
     , utterly screw an interview. 
     
    

    
     Now, this information 
     
     really is timely, almost as 
     
     timely as last week’s review 
     
     of Beverly Hills Cop. Boy, 
     
     my timing wassuperlative on 
     
     that one, if I do say-so 
     
     myself. 
     
    

    
     Here’s some of the choice 
     
     excerpts from some past 
     
     interviews: 
     
    

    
     1) When asked how one 
     
     specific friend would describe 
     
     you, NEVER say “unpredict- 
     
     able”. Big goof. 
     
    

    
     2) For heaven’s sake, if you 
     
     do say something as ludi- 
     
     crous as that, DON’T try to 
     
     cover it up with this lame 
     
     one: “Well, gee whiz, I’d say 
     
     I’m pretty conservative (lies, 
     
     all lies), so when I feel like 
     
     doing something on the spur 
     
     of the moment, I do it.” 
     
     Wouldn’t wash with an idiot. 
     
    

    
     29) When asked how one 
     
     specific region of the country 
     
     measures up to the other 
     
     regions, NEVER say “Well, 
     
     hum, gosh golly, hum, it’s 
     
     different.” STOP — say 
     
     what? “Oh, don’t take it that 
     
     I mean it’s backward ...” — 
     
     right here you sort of trail 
     
     off. Honestly, if you don’t 
     
     mean “backward”, don’t 
     
     say “backward”, it should be 
     
     as simple as that. 
     
    

    
     46) DON’T sit outside in 
     
     your cold space shuttle, 
     
     telling yourself not to let 
     
     them know what you’re really 
     
     like, and then go in and 
     
     abandon caution to the four 
     
     winds. Learn to lie to your 
     
     benefit —— that’s always been 
     
     my trouble, I’m brutally 
     
     honest, and it kills me. My 
     
     excuse? I had ice on the 
     
     braina, and a block of 
     
     pressed sawdust where my 
     
     tongue should- have been. 
     
    

    
     63) When they ask you 
     
     where you would like to go if 
     
     you could go abroad, DON’T 
     
     say “Spain, of course.” — 
     
     once again, say what? I 
     
     swear, it’s like I’m sitting 
     
     outside my body, chuckling 
     
     at the unadulterated ass I’m 
     
     making of myself. 
     
    

    
     Give them credit though, 
     
     they threw me a lifeline right 
     
     about here. Of course, I was 
     
     obtuse, and vowed to swim 
     
     for shore on my own, all 
     
     twelve million miles of ocean. 
     
    

    
     You wanna hear my next 
     
     brilliant statement? Now, 
     
     you have to imagine that his 
     
     is coming out at breakneck 
     
    
   
   
    
     \ endearing, 
     
    
   
   
    
     suppose everyone should, but 
     
     I want to go to Spain.” (beat 
     
     — I might as well have tacked 
     
     on ‘so there’) STOP. 
     
    

    
     See, what was happening 
     
     is that my speech was coming 
     
     out in little blobs, sort of like 
     
     a telegram, or —-— why, here’s 
     
     a better analogy: like every so 
     
     often I let off the Pause 
     
     button on the tape recorder 
     
     that I’ve prepared for this 
     
     very special occasion, and 
     
     then depress the button 
     
     again. 
     
    

    
     88) DON’T put the inter- 
     
     viewer on the defensive. 
     
     When they ask “IN 
     
     HEAVEN’S ’ NAME, 
     
     WHY??”, don’t say, “I find 
     
     their music fascinating; don’t 
     
     you?” in an accusatory tone 
     
     of voice — or any tone for 
     
    
   
   
    
     . that matter. Don’t asked the 
     
    
   
   
    
     damned question at all; keep 
     
     in mind that you’re there to 
     
     answer, not ask. 
     
    

    
     101) Hey, where did the 
     
     time fly? Remember, I did 
     
     say the choicest excerpts. If 
     
     you’ve got a good vocabulary 
     
     use it. Say you’re infectious, 
     
     I absolutely 
     
     adorable — these things are 
     
     all true, so why did I say 
     
     unpredictable? Impulse, of 
     
     course. STOP. Besides, 
     
     impossible as it seems it’s 
     
     truer even than those other 
     
     adjectives — gasp — Oh, 
     
     that’s a little hard to swallow, 
     
     isn’t it? 
     
    

    
     Go on with you, now. This 
     
     column is a gas, I hope you 
     
     get some chuckles reading it. 
     
    

    
     Take care. We’ll see you 
     
     next week. 
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
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     — page 15 —- 
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
       
     
    
   
   
    
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