they
      walked,
      and
      fought
      so
      well
      they
      could
      cut
     
     
      aman
      in
      half
      while
      shaving.
      So,
      if
      the
      Japanese
     
     
      were
      to
      make
      a
      martial
      arts
      film,
      it
      would
     
     
      accurately
      portray
      the
      samurai,
      correct?
     
    

    
     
      Wrongooo,
      bwana.
      There’s
      only
      two
     
     
      samurai
      movies
      I
      know
      of,
      and
      Shogun
      is
      too
     
     
      boring
      forme.
      The
      other,
      Shogun
      Assassin,
      is
      so
     
     
      badly
      made
      that
      Zac
      Campbell
      Productions
     
     
      couldn’t
      do
      worse.
      And
      it’s
      based
      on
      the
      comic
     
     
      book
      Lone
      Wolf
      and
      Cub,
      just
      in
      case
      you
     
     
      wanted
      to
      know.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      (Sung
      to
      the
      tune
      of
      the
      Brady
      Bunch
      theme.)
     
     
      Here’s
      the
      story,
      of
      a
      man
      named
      Lone
      Wolf;
     
     
      Who
      was
      working
      for
      the
      Shogun
      in
      Japan
     
     
      He
      was
      a
      fearsome
      warrior,
      with
      a
      Ginsu
     
     
      sword,
     
    

    
     
      He’s
      his
      own
      biggest
      fan.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      And
      it’s
      the
      story,
      of
      his
      lovely
      wifey;
     
     
      And
      his
      cute
      little
      three
      year
      old
      son
     
     
      Who
      studied
      samurai,
      like
      his
      father
     
    

    
     
      Presumably
      for
      fun.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Until
      the
      one
      day
      that
      Lone
      wolf
      pissed
      off
     
     
      the
      Shogun,
     
     
      And
      the
      Shogun
      bumped
      off
      Lone
      Wolf's
      wife
     
     
      And
      Lone
      Wolf,
      who
      was
      into
      clichés
     
     
      Swore
      that
      he
      would
      take
      the
      Shogun’s
      life.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Lone
      Wolf
      and
      Cub,
     
     
      ;
      Lone
      Wolf
      and
      Cub,
     
     
      Slashing
      up
      feudal
      Japan
      just
      for
      fun.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      And
      that’s
      about
      it
      in
      terms
      of
      premise.
      As
     
     
      anyone
      who’s
      read
      the
      comic
      book
      knows,
      Lone
     
     
      wolf
      spends
      the
      rest
      of
      his
      life,
      and
      this
      movie,
     
     
      pushing
      his
      son
      around
      in
      a
      heavily
      customized
     
     
      crib
      and
      killing
      the
      zillion
      billion
      ninjas
      that
      the
     
     
      Shogun
      sends
      after
      him.
      No
      real
      need
      to
      tell
      the
     
     
      rest
      of
      the
      story
      in
      detail;
      suffice
      it
      to
      say
      there’s
     
     
      buckets
      of
      blood
      and
      hippo-loads
      of
      flying
      body
     
     
      parts.
      Horror
      movie
      fans
      will
      love
      it.
     
    

    
     
      Now,
      I
      understand
      that
      Japanese
      cin-
     
     
      ema
      isa
      little
      different
      from
      ours,
      but
      that’s
      not
     
     
      an
      excuse
      for
      this
      movie’s
      asininity.
      Apart
      from
     
     
      the
      obvious
      lack
      of
      a
      plot,
      there’s
      the
      matter
      of
     
     
      the
      fight
      sequences.
      Lone
      Wolf
      decapitates,
      de-
     
     
      limbs
      and
      yes,
      even
      de-torsos
      hundreds
      of
      peo-
     
     
      ple
      in
      this
      movie,
      presumably
      because
      he’s
      the
     
     
      best
      samurai
      ever.
      But
      the
      ease
      with
      which
      his
     
     
      cuts
      people
      in
      half
      makes
      this
      film
      look
      like
      a
     
     
      two
      hour
      advertisement
      for
      Ginsu
      World
      Class.
     
     
      Even
      worse
      are
      the
      blood
      effects.
      The
      smallest
     
     
      nick
      or
      scrape
      spurts
      blood
      three
      feet
      into
      the
     
     
      air.
      You
      could
      say
      Lone
      Wolf
      is
      painting
      the
     
     
      town
      red,
      but
      you’d
      be
      wrong.
      Due
      to
      a
      massive
     
     
      error
      in
      the
      color
      processing,
      all
      the
      blood
      in
      this
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      t
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      oO
     
     
      Od
     
    
   
   
    
     
      DOMINO’S
     
     
      PIZZA
     
    
   
   
    
     
      €
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      |
      lett
      eOrelie)
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      >>
     
    
   
   
    
     
      \
     
     
      &
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      TWO
     
     
      DOMINO’S
      |
     
     
      PIZZAS
     
    
   
   
    
     
        
     
    
   
   
    
     
      UNLIMITED
      ‘TOPPINGS
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “152”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      566-9000
     
    
   
   
    
     
      393
      University
      Ave.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Medium
      12"
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ae
     
     
      VISA
     
     
      BERS
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      26
     
    
   
   
    
     
      movie
      is
      a
      cheery
      florescent
      orange.
      At
      best,
      j
     
     
      looks
      like
      vomit.
      At
      worst,
      it
      looks
      like
      they’:
     
     
      bleeding
      liquid
      Cheetos.
     
    

    
     
      Oh,
      and
      discophobics
      might
      well
      wis
     
     
      to
      skip
      this
      one,
      since
      the
      soundtrack
      n.
      ‘ght
     
     
      well
      have
      been
      a
      tribute
      to
      the
      Village
      Peop|
     
    

    
     
      Stuff
      To
      Watch
      For:
      Look
      for
      the
      guy
     
     
      the
      gate
      to
      be
      split
      in
      half;
      the
      unintentional|
     
     
      hilarious
      scene
      of
      nudity
      and
      the
      kid’s
      reactio
     
     
      to
      it;
      the
      customized
      baby
      cart
      with
      its
      clever
     
     
      hidden
      blades;
      and
      the
      final
      fight
      scene
      with
      th
     
     
      Lords
      of
      Death
      (Cliché
      Alert!
      Cliché
      Alert!),
     
    

    
     
      Favourite
      Quote:
      ‘‘It
      is
      said,
      that
      whe
     
     
      aman’s
      throat
      is
      cut,
      a
      sound
      can
      heard
      like
      t
     
     
      sound
      of
      winter
      winds
      whispering.
      I
      have
      oft
     
     
      wanted
      to
      hear
      that
      sound.
      But
      to
      hear
      it,
      comin
     
     
      from
      my
      own
      throat,
      is,
      ridiculous...
      augh...
     
     
      Or
      something
      like
      that.
     
    

    
     
      Judgement:
      If
      you
      like
      gore,
      disme
     
     
      berment,
      minimalist
      plot,
      rotten
      fight
      scene
     
     
      lousy
      dialogue,
      awful
      music,
      and
      boredom
      |
     
     
      large
      quantities,
      you’ll
      find
      a
      lot
      to
      like
      abo
     
     
      this
      movie.
      Not
      for
      most
      tastes,
      and
      while
      Iha
     
     
      to
      sound
      snobbish,
      not
      to
      mine.
     
    

    
     
      Next
      Time
      (you
      will
      notice
      I’
      ve
      dropp¢
     
     
      any
      pretense
      of
      being
      weekly):
      I
      don’t
      know.
      |
     
    
   
   
    
     
      surprise
      you.
      @
     
    
   
   
    
     
      PRRs
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Saree.
      ey
     
     
      Ses
     
    
   
   
    
     
          
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
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