Steaming
      Up
      My
      Panties
     
    
   
   
    
     
      By
      Brad
      DIEGHAN
     
    
   
   
    
     
      A
      wild
      sweating
      body.
      A
      tem-
     
     
      perature
      of
      one-hundred
      and
      four.
      No
     
     
      break,
      no
      breath,
      no
      stop.
      Go,
      go,
      go.
     
     
      Head
      down,
      the
      same
      pumping
      rhythm
     
     
      over
      and
      over.
      I
      love
      it.
      Sometimes
      I
     
     
      go
      with
      my
      girlfriend,
      sometimes
     
     
      myself,
      and
      sometimes
      a
      friend.
     
     
      Sometimes
      there
      are
      a
      few
      people.
     
     
      Sometimes
      I
      get
      hurt,
      sometimes
      I
      get
     
     
      bruised,
      and
      sometimes
      I
      bleed.
      But
     
     
      that's
      my
      own
      fault,
      I'm
      really
      not
      very
     
     
      careful
      while
      enthralled.
      Just
      two
     
     
      weeks
      ago
      my
      chain
      snapped,
      and
      you
     
     
      know
      how
      much
      that
      hurts.
      Hint,
      hint.
     
     
      Nudge,
      nudge.
      Know
      what
      I
      mean?
     
     
      Say
      no
      more,
      say
      no
      more;
      A
      wink's
      as
     
     
      good
      as
      a
      nudge
      to
      a
      blind
      bat.
      Where
     
     
      did
      I
      here
      that
      before?
     
    

    
     
      Once,
      twice,
      thrice,
      or
      more.
     
     
      As
      many
      times
      as
      I
      like,
      or
      until
      I'm
     
     
      spent.
      I
      enjoy
      biking,
      I've
      done
      it
      all
     
     
      summer,
      and
      I'll
      enjoy
      it
      for
      the
      better
     
     
      part
      of
      the
      winter
      too
      -
      if
      I
      can
      man-
     
     
      age.
      I
      do
      have
      a
      truck,
      but
      I've
      left
      it
      to
     
     
      hibernate
      for
      the...
      yeah,
      summer,
      and
     
     
      you
      know
      what,
      I'm
      glad
      I
      did;
      I'd
      for-
     
     
      gotten
      how
      much
      fun
      it
      can
      be
      to
     
     
      smash
      around
      on
      a
      thirty-dollar
      bicy-
     
     
      cle.
      I've
      hit
      curbs,
      cars
      have
      hit
      me,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      I've
      even
      launched
      myself
      from
      my
     
     
      seat
      to
      land
      on
      an
      old
      broken
      down
     
     
      couch
      in
      the
      slow
      process
      of
      hitch-hik-
     
     
      ing
      its
      way
      to
      the
      dump.
      I've
      run
      into
     
     
      poles,
      ditches
      in
      the
      dark,
      I've
      even
      run
     
     
      into
      another
      bicycler
      on
      the
      Rails
      to
     
     
      Trails
      immediately
      behind
      this
      school
     
     
      (also
      in
      the
      dark).
     
    
   
   
    
     
      A
      picture
      of
      ballet
      slip-
     
     
      pers.
      A
      kick-boxing
      hel-
     
     
      met
      for
      "safety",
      and
     
     
      two
      empty
      heads
     
    

    
     
      If
      you
      think
      about
      the
      benefits
     
     
      of
      employing
      a
      bicycle
      for
      transporta-
     
     
      tion
      instead
      of
      an
      automobile,
      you'll
      —
     
     
      notice
      that
      there
      are
      several;
      Riding
      a
     
     
      bike
      is
      much
      less
      destructive
      to
      the
     
     
      environment
      than
      is
      driving
      a
      car,
      and
     
     
      think
      of
      the
      cash
      that
      will
      be
      pooling
     
     
      in
      your
      hands
      instead
      of
      flowing
      into
     
     
      your
      gas
      tank,
      through
      your
      car,
      and
     
     
      out
      into
      the
      air.
      Think
      of
      the
      cost
      of
     
     
      buying
      an
      automobile,
      keeping
      it
      up,
     
     
      and
      registration
      and
      insurance.
      Think
     
     
      of
      all
      those
      hours
      you
      have
      to
      put
      in
      on
     
     
      the
      job
      at
      shitty
      pay
      just
      to
      afford
      all
      of
     
     
      this.
      Besides,
      the
      fact
      that
      you
      get
     
     
      around
      on
      a
      bicycle
      gets
      you
      out
      of
     
    
   
   
    
     
      playing
      taxi
      to
      your
      fat,
      sweaty,
      drool-
     
     
      ing
      alcoholic
      mother/sister
      and
      the
      rest
     
     
      of
      your
      parent/siblings.
      Maybe
      you're
     
     
      not
      worried
      about
      the
      cash,
      maybe
      you
     
     
      really
      don't
      care
      about
      the
      environ-
     
     
      ment,
      a
      lot
      of
      people
      don't,
      but
      do
      you
     
     
      care
      about
      your
      own
      health?
     
    

    
     
      Maybe,
      maybe
      not.
      It
      doesn't
     
     
      matter,
      but
      if
      you
      do,
      biking
      is
      a
      good
     
     
      way
      to
      go.
      Cardiovascular
      fitness
      is
     
     
      important,
      probably
      one
      of
      the
      most
     
     
      important
      aspects
      of
      a
      person's...
     
     
      physical
      health
      anyway.
      I'm
      almost
     
     
      sure
      that
      Cardiovascular
      diseases
      are
     
     
      one
      of
      the
      leading
      causes
      of
      health-
     
     
      related
      deaths
      in
      North
      America.
      This
     
     
      type
      of
      fitness
      helps
      to
      create
      muscle
     
     
      endurance,
      or
      the
      ability
      of
      the
      lungs
      to
     
     
      supply
      oxygen
      to
      the
      blood,
      for
      the
     
     
      muscles,
      for
      over
      long
      periods
      of
      time.
     
    

    
     
      Also,
      if
      you
      want
      to
      get
      rid
      of
     
     
      the
      chub
      off
      your
      legs,
      ass,
      -
      or
      body
      in
     
     
      general
      -
      without
      killing
      yourself
      with
     
     
      a
      long
      jarring
      run
      or
      without
      being
      -
     
     
      enclosed
      in
      a
      hot
      humid
      room
      (or
     
     
      stuffed
      in
      a
      car
      doing
      sit-ups
      on
      the
     
     
      way
      to
      school)
      with
      sweating
      packages
     
     
      of
      male,
      female,
      or
      male/female
      hor-
     
     
      mone...
      well,
      biking
      does
      the
      trick.
      In
     
    
   
   
    
     
      saying
      this
      I
      don't
      mean
      to
      give
      the
     
     
      impression
      that
      there
      is
      anything
     
     
      wrong
      with
      that
      chub
      you
      have
      -
      may
     
     
      have,
      because
      there
      really
      isn't.
      If
     
    
   
   
    
     
      _someone's
      got
      a
      problem
      with
      that,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      that's
      their
      fudging
      problem,
      not
      yours.
     
    

    
     
      Right?
     
    

    
     
      I'm
      really
      not
      very
      care-
     
     
      ful
      while
      enthralled.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      One
      thirty-dollar
      bike.
      Two
     
     
      guys;
      one
      peddling,
      one
      sitting
      on
      the
     
     
      luggage
      rack
      over
      the
      back
      wheel.
      A
     
     
      twelve
      pack
      on
      the
      passenger's
      shoul-
     
     
      der.
      Yellow
      roller-skates
      tied
      his
      a
     
     
      back-pack,
      and
      a
      shirt
      that
      says
     
     
      "Dancers
      Rule".
      A
      picture
      of
      ballet
     
     
      slippers.
      A
      kick-boxing
      helmet
      for
     
     
      "safety",
      and
      two
      empty
      heads.
      A
      per-
     
     
      son
      can
      have
      fun
      getting
      into
      shape
     
     
      and
      helping
      out
      the
      environment
      if
      a
     
     
      person
      really
      wants
      to.
      And
      you
      don't
     
     
      have
      to
      bike
      like
      me,
      but
      if
      you
      want
     
     
      to,
      set
      up
      a
      time
      and
      I'll
      meet
      you
      in
     
     
      the
      Emergency
      ward
      at
      the
      hospital
      -
     
     
      you
      can
      really
      have
      a
      good
      time
      any-
     
     
      where
      -
      if
      you
      want
      to
      of
      course.
     
     
      Anyway,
      biking
      really
      steams
      up
      my
     
     
      panties,
      how
      ‘bout
      yours?
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Windstorm
      Claims
      Cyclists
      Dignity;
      Brain
     
    
   
   
    
     
      By
      Brad
      DIEGHAN
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      In
      biking
      around
      a
      large
      tree,
      the
      occupant
      of
     
     
      this
      environmentally
      not-so-harzardous
      bicy-
     
     
      cling
      machine
      notices
      a
      large
      frightened
      -
      and
     
     
      likewise
      frighteneing
      -
      ant
      on
      the
      grassy
     
     
      ground
      in
      front
      of
      his
      rubber
      tire.
      With
      decisive
     
     
      action,
      and
      interest
      in
      ant
      preservation,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      [10]
     
    
   
   
    
     
      (ant’s
      do
      practise
      mutual
      aid,
      they
      ralph
      up
     
     
      their
      little
      ant
      cookies
      from
      their
      second
      stom-
     
     
      achs
      in
      order
      to
      feed
      their
      hungry),
      the
      opera-
     
     
      tor
      of
      this
      not-so-deadly
      but
      still
      possibly
      dead-
     
     
      ‘ly
      vehicle
      swerves,
      crashes,
      contorts.
      Groans,
     
     
      blood,
      and
      bones
      complain
      of
      pain.
      In
      remem-
     
    
   
   
    
     
      brance
      of
      all
      those
      beautiful
      days,
      all
      those
     
     
      great
      lightless
      nights,
      and
      all
      those
      other
     
     
      times
      self-extraction
      has
      become
      all
      too
      nec-
     
     
      essary,
      the
      ant-conscious
      boy
      decides
      to
      sim-
     
     
      ply
      go
      to
      sleep.
      However,
      he
      did
      not
      go
      gently,
     
     
      much
      to
      the
      sick
      satisfaction
      of
      a
      certain
      poet.