now
      for
      something
      completely
      different:
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      Rants
      of
      a
      University
      Student
      _
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
     
         
     
    
   
   
    
     
      g
     
     
      week
      marks
      the
      51st
      anniversary
     
    
   
   
    
     
      of
      the
      introduction
      of
      vitamin-
     
     
      enriched
      white
      bread
      to
      the
     
     
      Canadian
      market.
      Well
      now.
     
     
      Doesn't
      that
      just
      call
      for
      a
      Bud
     
     
      Light.
      It
      was
      announced
      last
     
     
      week
      that
      North
      Korea
      had
     
     
      entered
      an
      agreement
      under
      which
     
     
      they
      would
      begin
      to
      share
      missile
     
     
      technology
      with
      Nigeria.
      I
      don't
     
     
      know
      what
      everyone
      is
      freaking
     
     
      out
      about.
      Who
      cares
      if
      yet
      anoth-
     
     
      er
      volatile
      country
      with
      a
      lot
      of
     
     
      built-up
      angst
      and
      an
      unstable
     
     
      government
      has
      possession
      of
     
     
      nuclear
      arms?
      My
      fears
      were
      laid
     
     
      to
      rest
      when
      they
      promised
      to
      use
     
     
      them
      only
      for
      peacekeeping.
      Oh
     
     
      those
      wacky
      communists.
     
    

    
     
      It
      also
      became
      public
      last
     
     
      week
      that
      many
      Canadian
      Forces
     
     
      militia
      groups
      across
      the
      country
     
     
      had
      run
      out
      of
      bullets.
      Great.
      So
     
     
      we've
      got
      like
      ten
      guys
      left
      in
      the
     
     
      reserves,
      the
      few
      subs
      that
      we
      do
     
     
      have
      don't
      work,
      our
      rescue
      heli-
     
     
      copters
      fall
      out
      of
      the
      sky
      and
      -
     
     
      now
      we
      don't
      have
      any
      bullets.
     
     
      Geez.
      We
      better
      pray
      we
      don't
     
     
      piss
      off
      the
      Nigerians.
     
    

    
     
      I
      don't
      know
      what
      it
      is
     
     
      about
      drivers
      on
      this
      island,
      but
     
     
      there
      seems
      to
      be
      about,
      oh,
      I
     
     
      don't
      know,
      four
      or
      five
      who
      actu-
     
     
      ally
      know
      how
      to
      operate
      a
      motor
     
     
      vehicle.
      And
      I'm
      one
      of
      them.
      So
     
     
      I
      don't
      know
      who
      the
      other
      three
     
    
   
   
    
     
        
     
    
   
   
    
     
      of
      you
      are,
      but
      I
      cannot
      stand
     
     
      being
      on
      the
      streets
      of
     
     
      Charlottetown
      with
      the
      other
     
     
      32,000
      lunatics.
      You'd
      think
      a
      city
     
     
      as
      small
      as
      Charlottetown
      would
     
     
      take
      advantage
      of
      its
      size
      and
     
     
      build
      a
      system
      that
      allows
      for
      the
     
     
      efficient
      flow
      of
      traffic.
      But
      no.
     
     
      There
      are
      four
      inadequately
      sized
     
    
   
   
    
     
      sets
      of
      lights
      between
     
     
      Hillsborough
      and
     
     
      Maypoint.
      Of
      course,
      had
      they
     
     
      built
      a
      proper
      arterial
      highway
     
     
      with
      overpasses
      and
      merge
      lanes,
     
     
      we'd
      probably
      all
      be
      dead
      anyway,
     
     
      because
      no
      one
      else
      on
      the
      island
     
     
      knows
      how
      to
      merge
      either.
      (The
     
     
      exit
      from
      UPEI
      onto
      the
      Ave.
      is
      a
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      oT.
      It's
      like
      we've
      never
      seen
      white
      ees
      a
     
     
      leading
      in
      :
      of
      this.
      Hint:
     
     
      and
      out
      of
      |
      Stuff
      falling
      from
      the
      sky
      before
      |,..4
      merge
     
     
      the
      city,
      and|
      @nd
      so
      we
      must
      act
      totally
      irra-
      lanes
      do
      not
     
     
      each
      has
      tionally
      and
      swerve
      our
      vehicles
      end
      with
      stop
     
     
      about
      562
      into
      on-coming
      traffic
      at
      top
      _|signs.)
     
    

    
     
      billion
      sets
      speed.
      But
      that's
      ok.
      Our
      incredibly
     
     
      of
      traffic
      idiotic
      roadway
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      lights,
      all
      of
      which
      fail
      to
      follow
     
     
      any
      sensible
      method,
      causing
      cars
     
     
      that
      are
      unable
      to
      stop
      in
      the
      .2
     
     
      seconds
      allotted
      to
      smash
      into
     
     
      each
      other.
      At
      least
      no
      one
      gets
     
     
      hurt,
      seeing
      as
      no
      one
      goes
      over
     
     
      12
      kph
      anyway.
      ;
     
    

    
     
      You'd
      also
      think
      that
      the
     
     
      daily
      commute
      of
      thousands
      of
     
     
      workers
      and
      students
      in
      and
     
     
      around
      Charlottetown
      would
      war-
     
     
      rant
      the
      formulation
      of
      a
      mass-
     
     
      transit
      system.
      But
      again,
      no.
      The
     
     
      politicians
      keep
      talking,
      we
      keep
     
     
      walking
      and
      PEI
      continues
      to
     
     
      make
      no
      sense.
     
    

    
     
      And
      the
      damn
      bypass.
     
     
      First
      of
      all,
      it
      is
      not
      a
      bypass.
      See,
     
     
      and
      I
      hope
      whoever
      built
      the
     
     
      bypass
      is
      reading
      this.
      The
      pur-
     
     
      pose
      of
      a
      bypass
      is
      to
      BYPASS
      a
     
     
      city,
      not
      to
      stop
      at
      nine
      separate
     
    
   
   
    
     
      etiquette
      becomes
      even
      worse
      in
     
     
      the
      winter.
      It's
      like
      we've
      never
     
     
      seen
      white
      stuff
      falling
      from
      the
     
     
      sky
      before
      and
      so
      we
      must
      act
     
     
      totally
      irrationally
      and
      swerve
      our
     
     
      vehicles
      into
      on-coming
      traffic
      at
     
     
      top
      speed.
      But
      that's
      ok.
      Because
     
     
      it
      seems
      that
      someone
      forgot
      to
     
     
      tell
      the
      plows
      that
      they're
      actually
     
     
      supposed
      to
      plow
      snow
      off
      the
     
     
      streets
      when
      it
      starts
      snowing.
     
     
      "Oh
      ok.
      We'll
      get
      to
      it
      eventually."
     
     
      And
      they
      do.
      At
      three
      o'clock
      in
     
     
      the
      morning.
      See,
      while
      randomly
     
     
      pushing
      snow
      around
      the
      middle
     
     
      of
      the
      street
      with
      the
      loudest
     
     
      equipment
      known
      to
      mankind,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      _
      they
      want
      to
      ensure
      that
      no
      one
      is
     
    
   
   
    
     
      afforded
      the
      benefit
      of
      sleep
      so
     
    

    
     
      that
      we
      can
      get
      back
      to
      driving
     
    

    
     
      like
      idiots
      again
      in
      the
      morning.
     
     
      A
      study
      released
      out
      of
     
    
   
   
    
     
      2004
      page
      8
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Montreal,
      Quebec
      this
      week
     
     
      announced
      that
      spending
      money
     
     
      on
      the
      prevention
      and
      treatment
     
     
      cancer
      actually
      saves
      lives.
     
     
      Really?
      So
      all
      that
      effort
      put
      into
     
     
      preventative
      medicine
      and
     
     
      chemotherapy
      wasn't
      just
      for
      fun?
     
     
      Wow.
      I
      applaud
      studies
      like
      this,
     
     
      aimed
      at
      answering
      these
      ques-
     
     
      tions
      that
      vex
      us
      daily.
      In
      fact,
      |
     
     
      think
      that
      I
      should
      be
      given
      a
      mil-
     
     
      lion-dollar
      government
      grant
      so
     
     
      that
      I
      can
      study
      how
      not
      being
     
     
      shot
      in
      the
      head
      greatly
      increases
     
     
      your
      life
      expectancy.
      Honestly.
     
     
      The
      Conservative
      leader-
     
     
      ship
      race
      recently
      welcomed
      a
     
     
      new
      candidate,
      as
      rich
      business
     
     
      owner
      Belinda
      Stronach
      decided
     
    
   
   
    
     
      ‘to
      add
      her
      name
      to
      the
      ballot.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Stronach
      has
      little
      to
      no
      political
     
     
      experience
      as
      well
      as
      a
      strong
     
     
      background
      in
      inheriting
      Daddy's
     
     
      money,
      and
      in
      not
      making
      a
     
     
      whole
      lot
      of
      sense
      when
      she
      talks.
     
     
      So
      you
      want
      me
      to
      choose
      some-
     
     
      one
      like
      that
      to
      become
      Prime
     
     
      Minister
      someday?
      This
      isn't
      the
     
     
      US
      you
      know.
     
     
      Congratulations
      to
      the
     
     
      Patriots
      for
      their
      victory
      at
      the
     
     
      XXXVIII
      Superbowl.
      But
      to
      be
     
     
      honest,
      I'm
      not
      that
      much
      into
      the
     
     
      "big
      game".
      As
      my
      good
      friend
     
     
      Neal
      put
      it:
      "I
      stopped
      watching
     
     
      baseball
      when
      Wayne
      Gretzky
     
     
      retired."
      Happy
      Groundhog
      Day.
     
     
      Have
      a
      good
      one!
     
     
      ryangallant@hotmail.com
      —