ALIEN
      COWS
      PLOT
      CONQUEST
     
    
   
   
    
     
      by
      Wesley
      Dodds
     
     
      Short
      wave
      radio
      enthusiasts
      have
      dis-
     
     
      covered
      alien
      communication
      signals
      within
     
     
      the
      calls
      of
      common
      Island
      livestock.
     
     
      Cows,
      it
      would
      appear,
      are
      actually
     
     
      subversive
      aliens
      infiltrating
      our
      society
     
     
      from
      within.
      The
      subtle
      signals
      picked
      up
     
     
      within
      the
      mooing
      were
      calls
      to
      their
      beefy
     
     
      brethren
      on
      their
      home
      planet
      in
      the
      milky
     
     
      way,
      telling
      them
      that
      the
      time
      was
      drawing
     
    
   
   
    
     
      near
      to
      strike
      and
      conquer
      the
      Earthlings,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      trampling
      our
      civilization
      into
      dust
      until
      the
     
    
   
   
    
     
      golden
      arches
      of
      our
      ‘‘Mcdeath
      camps”’
      all
     
     
      lie
      in
      ruin
      at
      their
      hoofs.
     
    

    
     
      The
      cattle
      had
      bribed
      various
      influential
     
     
      humans
      such
      as
      K.D.
      Lang
      into
      joining
     
     
      their
      subversive
      activities,
      and
      it
      was
      Lang
     
     
      who
      explained
      the
      whole
      story
      to
      authori-
     
     
      ties
      after
      they
      tracked
      and
      deciphered
      the
     
     
      messages.
      ‘“Theymade
      it
      so
      attractive
      to
      be
     
    
   
   
    
     
      a
      collaborator,’’
      Lang
      said.
      ‘‘I
      did
      my
      bit
     
     
      to
      undermine
      beef
      sales
      and
      they
      promised
     
     
      me
      anything
      I
      wanted:
      wealth,
      a
      position
      in
     
     
      the
      Moo
      Order,
      a
      new
      haircut.
      It’s
      over
     
     
      now,
      but
      I
      have
      no
      regrets...
      there’s
      no
      use
     
     
      crying
      over
      spilt
      milk.’’
     
    

    
     
      The
      alien’s
      leaders
      were
      rounded
      up
      and
     
     
      their
      communicators
      destroyed.
      Earth
      is
     
     
      safe,
      and
      beef
      is
      plentiful.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      FUN
      WITH
      DECAPITATION
     
    
   
   
    
     
      by
      Rex
      Tyler
     
    

    
     
      Budding
      young
      avant-garde
      artist
      Trent
     
     
      Drake
      has
      opened
      up
      bold
      new
      creative
     
     
      vistas
      with
      a
      unique
      art
      form
      he
      calls
     
     
      skullscapes,
      photographic
      still
      lifes
      of
      hu-
     
     
      man
      heads
      in
      artistic
      settings.
     
    

    
     
      ‘‘Far
      too
      many
      of
      us
      look
      at
      the
      morgue
     
     
      and
      think
      YUCK!
      DEAD
      FOLKS!”’,
      says
     
     
      Drake.
      ‘‘Me,
      I
      see
      the
      place
      as
      an
      avant
     
     
      garde
      art
      shop
      brimming
      over
      with
      the
     
     
      colourful
      oddities
      of
      Ma
      Nature’s
      morbid
     
     
      Palette.
      ””
     
    

    
     
      ‘‘A
      severed
      head
      is
      just
      as
      much
      still
      life
     
     
      as
      a
      bowl
      of
      fruit’’,
      Drake
      claims.
      ‘‘Have
     
     
      you
      ever
      seen
      one
      make
      any
      sudden
     
     
      Moves?’’
      He
      went
      on
      to
      say
      that
      the
      head
     
     
      'Sa
      unique
      object
      study
      and
      gives
      a
      bizarre
     
     
      New
      perspective
      to
      any
      work,
      as
      well
      as
     
     
      Providing
      a
      sobering
      and
      thought-provok-
     
     
      ‘Ng
      momento
      more
      (reminder
      of
      mortality)
     
    
   
   
    
     
      which
      evokes
      classical
      painting.
     
    

    
     
      Drake’s
      latest
      triumph,
      ‘‘Still
      Life
      of
     
     
      Main
      Building
      With
      Head’’,
      has
      earned
     
     
      him
      vast
      acclaim
      and,
      at
      an
      auction,
      a
     
     
      purchase
      fee
      of
      $500.00.
      ‘‘I
      always
      knew
     
    
   
   
    
     
      I’d
      get
      a
      head
      in
      the
      world’’,
      Drake
      said.
     
     
      The
      police
      have
      him
      under
      ongoing
      surveil-
     
     
      lance
      at
      the
      urging
      of
      the
      Friends
      of
      Art,
      and
     
     
      various
      morality
      groups.