THE
      NIGHT
      OF
      OZZMAS
     
    
   
   
    
     
      By
      ADAM
      GAUTHIER
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “Twas
      the
      night
      before
      Christmas
      Break
      at
      UPEI
     
    

    
     
      And
      all
      through
      the
      Barn
     
    

    
     
      Not
      a
      student
      was
      sober,
      not
      even
      freshman.
     
    

    
     
      Exams
      had
      been
      done
      just
      over
      a
      week
     
    

    
     
      While
      the
      washrooms
      filled
      in
      order
      to
      take
      a
      leak.
     
    

    
     
      The
      television
      hummed
      in
      the
      left
      corner
      there
     
    

    
     
      But
      everyone
      was
      really
      too
      drunk
      to
      care.
     
    

    
     
      The
      bouncers
      sat
      by
      the
      door
      in
      a
      chair
     
    

    
     
      In
      hopes
      that
      their
      replacements
      soon
      would
      be
      there.
     
     
      When
      all
      of
      a
      sudden
      there
      arose
      such
      a
      noise
     
    

    
     
      I
      sprang
      to
      the
      window
      with
      the
      other
      girls
      and
      boys.
     
    

    
     
      Out
      in
      the
      lot
      there
      was
      a
      figure
      in
      black
      who
      looked
      rather
      fuzzy
     
     
      I
      knew
      in
      an
      instant
      it
      was
      he
      that
      we
      called
      Ozzy.
     
    

    
     
      We
      looked
      at
      each
      other
      rather
      coy
     
    

    
     
      Finding
      it
      difficult
      to
      hold
      back
      our
      exuberant
      joy
     
    

    
     
      He
      stepped
      from
      his
      bus
      and
      went
      about
      setting
      up
      lickity-split
     
     
      Which
      means
      he
      set
      up
      rather
      quick.
     
    

    
     
      “Now,
      Mike!
      Now,
      Dan!
      Now
      Ralph
      and
      Mort!
     
    

    
     
      Hurry,
      Paul!
      Hurry
      Joe!
      Hurry,
      Dick
      and
      Harry
     
    

    
     
      And
      get
      my
      shit
      set
      up
      for
      the
      show!”
     
    

    
     
      When
      the
      band
      was
      in
      place
      and
      guitar
      on
      his
      shoulder
     
    

    
     
      He
      called
      to
      the
      crowd
      “Good
      Evening,
      Boulder!”
     
    

    
     
      We
      all
      fell
      rather
      silent
      as
      Ozzy
      spoke
      out
     
    

    
     
      The
      snowstorm
      had
      apparently
      diverted
      his
      route.
     
    

    
     
      Ozzy
      took
      up
      his
      pick
      and
      the
      crowd
      did
      cheer
     
    

    
     
      If
      he
      learned
      of
      his
      wonderful
      mistake
      was
      our
      biggest
      fear.
     
     
      When
      Ozzy
      had
      finished
      and
      the
      Barn
      was
      a
      shamble
     
    

    
     
      He
      called
      to
      us
      all
      “Has
      anyone
      got
      a
      Camel.”
     
    

    
     
      He
      packed
      up
      his
      gear
      in
      the
      bus
      lickity
      split
     
    

    
     
      Which
      if
      you
      have
      not
      guessed
      by
      now
      means
      rather
      quick.
     
     
      Ere
      we
      heard
      him
      proclaim
      as
      he
      drove
      the
      bus
      out
      of
      sight:
     
     
      “Happy
      Christmas
      you
      motherf**kers
      and
      to
      all
      a
      very
      good
      night.”
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      H
     
     
      Ht
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Pat