Stark
      Raving
      Sane:
     
     
      On
      Prudent
      Shopping
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      I
      had
      a
      huge
      chance
      this
      break.
      I
     
     
      went
      to
      Toronto.
      There
      are
      tons
      of
      oppor-
     
     
      tunities
      to
      seriously
      put
      me
      in
      financial
     
     
      trouble.
      As
      Eminem
      would
      recommend,
      I
     
     
      did
      not
      miss
      my
      chance
      or
      blow
      my
      oppor-
     
     
      tunity...
      to
      throw
      myself
      into
      debt!
     
    

    
     
      My
      big
      problem
      was
      a
      tiny
      group
     
     
      of
      shoppes
      called
      Ye
      Olde
      Eaton
      Centre.
      I
     
     
      saw
      stores
      there
      that
      I
      didn't
      even
      know
     
     
      existed
      in
      Canada.
      I
      stepped
      into
      the
      leg-
     
     
      endary
      Pottery
      Barn
      for
      the
      first
      time
      and
      I
     
     
      know
      I
      was
      going
      to
      be
      in
      trouble.
     
    

    
     
      You
      see,
      I
      am
      a
      strange
      creature
     
     
      in
      the
      spending
      world.
      I
      am
      one
      of
      those
     
     
      people
      who
      can
      instantly
      calculate
      the
      fea-
     
     
      sibility
      of
      any
      particular
      purchase.
      It
     
     
      involves
      factors
      of
      a)is
      it
      wearable?
      b)will
     
     
      I
      use
      it?
      c)it
      is
      timeless?
      If
      the
      price
      out-
     
     
      weighs
      factors
      a)
      through
      c),
      then
      it
      is
      not
     
     
      worth
      spending
      the
      money.
      It
      all
      has
      to
      be
     
     
      justified.
     
    

    
     
      So,
      when
      I
      came
      across
      a
      Skirt*
     
     
      at
      Club
      Monaco
      (you
      should
      already
      be
     
     
      feeling
      an
      ominous
      vibe
      from
      that
      store
     
     
      name...),
      I
      instantly
      knew
      that
      a
      classy
      A-
     
     
      line
      Skirt
      from
      Club
      Monaco
      was
      worth
     
     
      me
      dropping
      two
      weeks'
      Cadre
      pay
      (plus
     
     
      applicable
      taxes).
      I
      have
      it
      at
      home
      now.
     
     
      It's
      so
      very
      Charlotte,
      I
      just
      love
      it.
     
    

    
     
      There
      were
      two
      shirts
      at
      Old
     
     
      Navy
      that
      I
      was
      also
      interested
      in,
      but
      after
     
     
      investigating
      the
      quality
      and
      factor
      a)
      of
     
     
      the
      above
      list,
      I
      decided
      against
      both
      of
      -
     
     
      them.
      Bravo
      for
      me.
      So
      now,
      I
      have
      one
     
     
      brilliant
      Skirt
      but
      I
      am
      not
      burdened
      with
     
     
      two
      ill-fitting
      and
      poorly-made
      blouses.
     
    

    
     
      This
      spending
      formula
      of
      mine
      is
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Hear
      Ye!
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      The
      UPEI
      Theatre
      Society
      will
      be
     
     
      hosting
      a
      Cabaret
      Night
      at
      the
      Wave
      on
     
     
      Tuesday,
      March
      4.
      We're
      looking
      for
      peo-
     
     
      ple
      to
      get
      up
      on
      stage
      to
      sing,
      act,
      dance,
     
     
      recite
      poems,
      do
      monologues,
      do
      skits,
      do
     
     
      comedy,
      host
      a
      theatre-related
      trivia
      con-
     
     
      test,
      and
      whatever
      else
      one
      could
      put
      on
      a
     
     
      stage.
     
    

    
     
      This
      is
      a
      fund
      raiser
      which
      we
     
     
      hope
      will
      aid
      in
      the
      production
      of
      As
      You
     
     
      Like
      It,
      which
      will
      be
      performed
      the
      week-
     
    
   
   
    
     
      page,
      .18
     
    
   
   
    
     
      strange,
      because
      as
      anyone
      who
      knows
      me
     
     
      at
      all
      can
      attest,
      I
      have
      no
      ability
      to
      bal-
     
     
      ance
      logic.
      Most
      weeks,
      I
      can't
      even
      work
     
     
      out
      a
      logical
      time
      to
      pick
      up
      my
      sister
     
     
      from
      work,
      much
      to
      her
      frustration.
      In
     
     
      high
      school,
      my
      mathematics
      marks
      were
     
     
      always
      deplorable,
      but
      for
      some
      reason,
      I
     
     
      could
      do
      trigonometry
      without
      using
      for-
     
     
      mulas.
      |
      think
      that
      strange
      gift
      comes
      into
     
     
      play
      with
      the
      trig
      involved
      in
      shopping.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Here's
      how
      it
      works:
      If
      The
      Skirt
     
     
      is
      highly
      wearable
      and
      highly
      timeless
     
     
      (both
      factors
      are
      very
      important),
      those
     
     
      two
      factors
      lessen
      the
      importance
      of
      the
     
     
      Skirt's
      price.
      Understand?
     
    

    
     
      Is
      this
      diatribe
      some
      sort
      of
     
     
      attempt
      to
      make
      myself
      feel
      better
      about
     
     
      buying
      an
      expensive
      Skirt?
      No
      way.
      I
      am
     
     
      proud
      of
      my
      purchase
      savvy
      and
      did
      not
      |
     
     
      regret
      my
      acquisition,
      not
      for
      one
      second.
     
     
      Why?
      Because
      of
      my
      tried-and-true
     
     
      trigonometric
      spending
      formula.
     
    

    
     
      Um,
      well,
      so
      far
      this
      formula
      does
     
     
      not
      work
      for
      books.
      For
      some
      reason,
      my
     
     
      rate
      of
      book
      purchasing
      is
      far
      more
      accel-
     
     
      erated
      than
      my
      rate
      of
      book
      reading.
      I
     
     
      think
      that's
      about
      5:1.
      If
      anyone
      can
      figure
     
     
      out
      a
      prudent
      shopping
      formula
      for
      this
     
     
      that
      does
      not
      involve
      me
      dropping
      out
      of
     
     
      school,
      let
      me
      know.
     
    

    
     
      *Skirt
      is
      capitalized
      because
      of
     
     
      the
      author's
      affection
      and
      possible
      worship
     
     
      of
      said
      Skirt.
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Hear
      Ye!
     
    
   
   
    
     
      end
      of
      March
      22.
     
    

    
     
      If
      you've
      got
      a
      talent
      and
      want
      to
     
     
      strut
      your
      stuff,
      e-mail
      Marie¢ve
     
     
      MacGregor
      at
      theatre@upei.ca.
      If
      you'd
     
     
      like
      to
      participate
      but
      don't
      know
      what
      you
     
     
      want
      to
      do,
      e-mail
      her
      anyway
      and
      she'll
     
     
      set
      you
      up
      with
      something
      awesome.
     
    

    
     
      If
      you're
      too
      phobic
      of
      stage
      per-
     
     
      formance,
      please
      come
      out
      anyway
      as
      a
     
     
      spectator
      to
      support
      your
      local
      Theatre
     
     
      Society.
      Tickets
      will
      be
      $5,
      but
      the
      memo-
     
     
      ries
      will
      ba
      priceless.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      Ce
      ee