Stark
      Raving
      Sane:
     
    
   
   
    
     
      On
      Music
      Snobs
     
     
      By
      Catherine
      SWEET
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
      “And
      one
      time,
      at
      band
      camp...”
     
    
   
   
    
     
      It's
      only
      natural
      for
      us
      to
      hold
     
     
      certain
      preferences
      for
      music.
      We
     
     
      have
      preferences
      for
      everything.
      It
     
     
      also
      seems
      natural
      to
      defend
      what
      we
     
     
      like,
      but
      why
      is
      there
      such
      an
      innate
     
     
      need
      to
      trash
      things
      we
      don't
      like?
      It's
     
     
      not
      a
      game.
      Jeez.
     
    

    
     
      Wouldn't
      it
      be
      nice
      if
      we
      could
     
     
      all
      take
      a
      moment
      to
      give
      all
      music
      a
     
     
      chance
      and
      try
      to
      hear
      what
      makes
      it
     
     
      special?
      This
      is
      a
      huge
      exercise
      in
     
     
      thinking
      outside
      the
      box.
      Just
      say,
      "I
     
     
      don't
      really
      like
      this
      sound,
      but
      some-
     
     
      one
      does.
      Why?"
     
    

    
     
      Think
      of
      the
      organizational
     
     
      feat
      an
      instrumental
      Dave
      Matthews
     
     
      Band
      set
      is,
      or
      Eminem's
      word-
     
     
      smithing.
      You've
      even
      got
      to
      hand
      it
     
     
      to
      Britney
      Spears
      for
      outright
      owning
     
     
      the
      media
      over
      the
      past
      few
      years.
     
    

    
     
      I've
      confessed
      before
      that
      I'm
      a
     
     
      total
      pop
      casualty.
      Although
      I
      can
      rec-
     
     
      ognize
      that
      it
      might
      not
      be
      the
      highest
     
     
      quality
      music,
      it's
      doing
      what
      it
      set
      out
     
     
      to
      do:
      make
      me
      happy.
      Honestly,
      I
     
     
      don't
      care:
      "S
      Club
      Party"
      still
      makes
     
     
      me
      want
      to
      dance.
      They're
      not
      Beatles
     
     
      -
      SO
      what?
      Technically,
      they're
      a
      suc-
     
     
      cess,
     
    

    
     
      We
      all
      have
      to
      do
      this
      exercise
     
     
      a
      little
      bit
      more
      in
      our
      lives.
      Not
      just
     
     
      in
      music,
      but
      all
      things.
      My
      philoso-
     
     
      phy
      is,
      I'll
      try
      it
      at
      least
      once.
     
    

    
     
      The
      basic
      rules
      of
      etiquette
      tell
      us
      that
     
     
      turning
      down
      an
      offer
      of
      a
      raw
      oyster
     
     
      because
      it's
      "gross"
      is
      rude.
      Someone
     
     
      lives
      for
      raw
      oysters
      and
      you
      calling
     
     
      their
      favourite
      food
      "gross"
      may
      not
     
     
      endear
      you
      to
      them.
      At
      least
      now,
      I
     
     
      Can
      say,
      "No,
      thank
      you.
      I've
      tried
     
    
   
   
    
     
      them
      in
      the
      past
      and
      I'm
      not
      fond
      of
     
     
      oysters."
     
    

    
     
      They
      don't
      have
      to
      know
      that
     
     
      that
      first
      time
      I
      tried
      a
      raw
      oyster
      I
     
     
      gagged
      on
      it
      and
      hacked
      it
      up
      in
      my
     
     
      palm
      in
      front
      of
      a
      whole
      bunch
      of
     
     
      American
      tourists.
      I
      did
      eventually
      eat
     
     
      it,
      but
      I
      don't
      think
      I'll
      be
      going
      down
     
     
      that
      road
      again.
     
    

    
     
      Back
      to
      the
      point.
      Try
      to
     
     
      expand
      your
      understanding
      for
      things
     
     
      that
      don't
      turn
      you
      on.
      That
      apprecia-
     
     
      tion
      will
      make
      you
      a
      more
      tolerable
     
    
   
   
    
     
      _
      person.
      And
      isn't
      that
      what
      we're
      all
     
    
   
   
    
     
      trying
      to
      achieve?
     
    

    
     
      That
      all
      being
      said,
      I
      have
      to
     
     
      air
      a
      beef
      with
      the
      enlightened
      readers
     
     
      of
      The
      Cadre.
      If
      I
      go
      out
      to
      a
      drinking
     
     
      establishment
      and
      a
      cover
      band
      is
     
     
      playing,
      there
      are
      a
      couple
      of
      songs
     
     
      that
      will
      make
      me
      stand
      up
      and
      leave.
     
     
      "Summer
      of
      '69,"
      and
      "American
      Pie,"
     
     
      are
      on
      my
      hit
      list.
      It's
      not
      that
      I
      dislike
     
     
      those
      songs.
      On
      the
      contrary,
      they're
     
     
      all
      quite
      enjoyable.
      It's
      just
      that
      it's
      so
     
     
      done.
      |
      am
      bored
      to
      tears
      from
      hearing
     
     
      "Brown
      Eyed
      Girl"
      played
      by
      any
     
     
      schmuck
      who
      can
      strum
      three
      consec-
     
     
      utive
      chords
      on
      a
      borrowed
      guitar.
     
    

    
     
      I
      know
      that
      originality
      is
      kind
     
     
      of
      against
      the
      point
      of
      a
      cover
      band,
     
    
   
   
    
     
      but
      come
      on!
      How
      about
      throwing
      ina
      .
     
    
   
   
    
     
      little
      Beastie
      Boys?
      Some
      Duran
     
     
      Duran?
      Cake?
      I
      would
      drop
      dead
      if
      a
     
     
      cover
      band
      started
      playing
      "Short
      Skirt
     
     
      Long
      Jacket"
      in
      a
      pub.
      Know
      what
     
     
      else?
      I'd
      die
      happy,
      too.
      But
      if
      they
     
     
      played
      "Barrett's
      Privateers,"
      as
      the
     
     
      coroner
      was
      wheeling
      me
      out,
      I'd
      re-
     
     
      animate
      just
      to
      trash
      the
      amps.
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
       
     
    
   
   
    
     
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      page
      13