The Cadre

| By Peter Gillis

Nineteen ninety-eight is upon us, with all its uncertain- ties forthe future. What would a New Year be, though, with- out a list of psychic predic- tions? Here’s my list of what will happen this year at UPEI. Pay close attention, because you never know which one will come true.

The renovations to the faculty lounge will be com- pleted, over budget, resulting in the most luxurious storage room on campus. Professors who smoke will be able to peer in through the windows and admire its beauty. Professors who do not smoke will use it for weekend Nintendo 64 tour- naments.

Dr. Ian Dohoo, the As- sociate Dean of Research at the AVC whose seat on the

Board of Governors violates UPEI’s Constitution, will con- tinue to be a shining example of democracy. The stress of representing both the faculty and the administration, though, will cause him todevelop mul- tiple personalities. Incompen- sation, he will be promoted to Vice-President of Research and have his office atthe AVC renovated.

The procedures used in the Committees on Student Academic Appeals and Stu- dent Discipline Appeals will be revamped. This will be too late, though, to protect the uni- versity from legal disputes aris- ing from past mistakes. As money disappears down the legal drain, students will be forced to cover the costs by paying rent to use classrooms.

President Epperly will do something stupid.

The Health Centre will be closed and moved to the mock emergency ward in the Faculty of Nursing. Fourth year nursing students will be required to operate the centre, for free, as a pre-requisite for graduation. All petitions pro- testing the move will be ig- nored,

The day-care centre will also be moved, but staffed by students of Holland College’s Youth Care program. These students will then be required to take some psychology courses here in order to com- plete their diploma. As enrollment increases, the ad- ministration will move to drop the ‘U’ from 'UPEI.'

The provincial govern-

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ment’s value audit will becom- pleted. They will then decide that the Faculty of Arts, hav- ing nothing to do with business or computers, is utterly use- less and cut its funding. Atthe same time, they will release a report showing thatthe literacy and analytical skills of Island- ers is on the decline. To com- bat this, they will create a pro- gram where rich people can upgrade their TVs.

Vice-President Crossley will do something stupid, but no one will notice.

In protest of the value audit, President Epperly will commit political suicide by sending a letter to the Minister of Education -- again. She will then be dragged in front of the Board of Governors and ver- bally spanked -- again. In an

effort to improve her adminis- trative skills, she will be sent to McDonald’s burger schoo! in Idaho this summer.

Students will become active in defending their dreams of higher education, anda group of 2000 will march on Province House in a CFS- sponsored protest. Attend- ance at hockey and basketball games will double, and the Barn will become the hottest bar in Charlottetown. Voter turnout at the next election will reach 90% and students will discover the intrinsic value of their edu- cation.

The sun will rise in the West, pigs will fly, and I will say something nice about the administration.

—

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