sitting on the throne. Other than that, the years have been good to him: he hasn’t aged a day! Having a strangle-hold on an entire nation is good for your health.

But lo, a menace is arising to kick his butt. Seems that centuries of instinct were on holiday that fateful day twenty years ago, for the little newborn prince was adopted by the lions in- stead of becoming a meaty belch. He’s grown a bit since we last saw him three minutes ago. He’s now a big, handsome, buffed beefcake of a wildman; he’s a ferocious superstrong savage killing machine. And what do you suppose happens when he meets up with a few of the bad guy’s guards, who are attacking the film’s Token Female Lead?

Violence, and lots of it! Oh boy!

| won’t bore you with any more of the plot. It’s pretty banal, what with Lion Man getting hunted and hurt and healed and joining the resistance and learning to talk and general, predictable stuff like that. But there is one interesting twist about three quarters of the way through that you ought to know. In a scene that almost literally drips with irony, Lion Man valiantly sacrifices himself to allow his friend time to escape. He does this by hanging froma trapdoor to hold it shut. Unlucky fellow! The evil duke above just happens to have a jar of acid close at hand. What happens to Lion Man's hands is not pretty, nor does it feel good. Lion Man loses the use of his hands. That makes him the world’s first physically challenged sword ‘n’ sorcery hero! Cool? It gets better! Lion Man has a blacksmith fashion a set of solid steel boxing gloves, complete with razor-sharp claws! He’s the first physically challenged sword-and- sorcery hero who can still kick butt! Even cooler!!!

The quality of the acting is bad, but the quality of the dubbing is even worse. | don’t remember who played what role, but the best actor in the whole thing is Lion Man. At least he can look savage anduntamed or pain-racked and vulnerable when the script calls for it. Still, don’t expect any Oscars on this one.

Scenes To Watch For: Any one of the numerous fight scenes will have you rolling on the floor. I've no idea who directed and\or wrote this little epic, but he’s got some nerve. The camera angles change wildly, the stunts are

“Lots of muscle-bulging acrobatics and clawing of

people's faces."

bizarreand senseless, but boy do they look cool. The choreography is great but the dance is ludicrous. Here are just a few of the weirder steps:

|. Lion Man leaps out ofa tree, holding a long, thin stick horizontally in front of his chest. As he lands, he uses it to first knock down and then strangle five soldiers simultaneously.

2. A fight scene in a banquet hall that just happens to be equipped with parallel bars, trampolines and gymnastics rings.

3. The final battle royale, where Lion Man averages twenty kills a minute in a fifteen minute fight scene. And if you thought the banquet hall bit was funny, wait until you see the rope and

FIRST STUDENT COUNCIL MEETING OF THE YEAR

Sunday, September 12th 7:00 PM in the Panther Lounge

All students are welcome to attend —

14/X-Press/September 9, 1993

pulley apparati that decorate the castle like garland on a Christmas tree.

The body count in this film is also phenom- enal. Lion Man fights like you’d expect: lots of muscle-bulging acrobatics and clawing of peo- ple’s faces. The difference is the way he does it: you never have to worry about missing a move because he'll do the better ones three times in a row before moving on... and there are dozens of cool moves. Plus, Lion Man is unbeatable in combat AND the evil guy has hundreds of men guarding him. By the time Lion Man slices up the evil duke and tosses him off the castle wall, the body count is nearly 200 people.

All this carnage is what really makes the movie. The zillions of dead guards are worth the rental cost all by themselves.

Also listen for some classic bad dialogue in between thefights, and the little plot deficiencies. A good one: Everyone knows Lion Man was raised by lions as soon as he appears, but they never bother to explain howthey know and he doesn’t talk. | guess word just got around, huh? Plus, they never bother to give him a real name.

And the budget-conscious costumes and props are good for a hoot or two. The head of the evil guard wears a blue helmet made froma hardhat anda shoe brush, and the shields in one scene are obviously made of cardboard. Equally economical are the sets. One clearing in the woods suffices for all the wilderness scenes. A small village doubles as the hidden resistance base. The castle set where most of the movie takes place is used for both the evil guy’s andthe good king’s residence and is reused and re- named in the sequel. Zac Campbell would be jealous.

Scenes To Fast Forward Past: The plot scenes in between the fight scenes. You'll miss thefilm’s finest awful dialogue, and you’llhave no idea what’s going on, but you'll probably have more fun just watching the exciting fights.

Judgement: In spite of the twisted, confusing plot, this is one of the better b’s on the back racks. You'll love the fights, hate the dialogue, but you'll have great fun watching both. There’s shades of Conan and Tarzan in Lion Man. Not many heroes are this versatile.

Wow! A triple gobbler and a triple hero- whose-name-ends-in-A-N! This is a red letter day!

Available At: Plaza Video, University Av- enue. (Obscure tapes like this are hard to find. Thus, | present this section not as a plug, or a free ad, but as a service to my millions of frustrated fans.)

Next Up: Before Hot Shots!, there was the Naked Gun. Before that, there was Airplane. And before that, there was (Dum da da Dum!) The Kentucky Fried Movie! Bet you can hardly wait until our next edition comes out!

TRENT DRAKE