The Panther Prints

Chretien's Trade Deal with France

By Bawb

... Todd MacLean

On: Wednesday, January 22nd, Jean Chretien signed some valuable trade ments, with France which should apparently have a substantial effect on Cana- da’s economic exchange. Supposively, well, uh actu- ally, supposively they like talked and all this stuff, about stuff. And all that. Hee hee. Well you know it’s the darndest thing, but this after- noon I was listening to this news story on my walkman as [ was walking down the street, and then all of a sudden [ see up ahead of me on the sidewalk this guy who had an extremely wide stance when he walked. Probably the most

docu-"

extreme I’ve ever witnessed.

His legspan took up half” thé. sidewalk. T-mean, you’ve got.

your wide-stanced walkers, but this guy was unbeliev- able. So I had to clear off the sidewalk to let him strut by, and by the time I regained control of myself, I had missed the entire news story.

Did you ever like imagine that you were in some kung fu movie, and you’re like the cool guy who’s, like, kicking every- one’s ass? Like you’re doing all these acrobatic moves and stuff, with, like, ten bad guys around you, and all ye have to do is touch them and they'll go flying on their asses? Man,

that’d be cool.

. Anyway, getting back to my story, after the wide-stanced walker guy, I then decided to head into the library and read the newspa- per. So I get one of the old, crinkled up pieces of crap, and sit down at a table. I finally thought I was going to make some headway on that story, but then this idiot beside me starts like grunting and stuff. It sounded as if he had some sort of vocal problem at first. But actually he was just clearing his throat. Constantly, that is. But it wasn’t just like normal throat clearing, I mean, this guy was like really getting some

-but anyway...

phlegm outta there. You’ve got your throat-clearers, but this guy was disgusting. It sounded as if he was having sex with the table or some- thing. So I’m like, “screw this” and left. The constant grunting made me feel quite nauseated actually, and the mystery meat that I had at some cafeteria at lunchtime wasn’t staying down too well, so thought I’d better get outta there before I had to start grunting - myself or some- thing. It is a_mystery though, sometimes. The meat that is. I think the Hardy Boys should do a case on that. It would be like The Mystery Meat: Is it Pork Chops, or Mrs Applegate?

So then, I, like, walked over to the bank and just stood in the designated line-up area with my arms folded looking up at that TV which is constantly on that station that prints the news on the screen all the time. Pretty damn boring. if you ask me, They. should have it on, like, the 24 Hour Mud. Wrestling Channel or

January 28, 1997

something. Or that fireplace channel. What’s up with that? "Yeah, let’s watch this fire burn all day long." It would be different if it was like an entire building that was on fire. That would be cool.

So, anyway I was like the only customer there, but of course I wasn’t going to take any money out anyway, not that I have any in the first place, but still, all the tellers were like, “I can help you over here, sir.” “Can I help you sir?” “Sir, over “here.” When I ignored them, I guess I looked a little suspicious. So then they called security over. But he was this old guy who couldn’t move, so I just felt sorry for him and left. Like, you ve got your old guys who can’t move, but I mean... you know the rest. Oh yeah, uh, that Jean Chretien guy. Let’s see here, he went to France, did a dance, pulled down his pants, and blah blah blah. Does- anyone care, I didn’t think so. Now let’s all get some mysterty meat and watch 24 hour mud wrestling. Whoa.

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Main 211

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