FACT: On a golf course in New England, sea gulls learned to snatch up golf balls in their bills and drop them on golfers from the air.

OPINION: More sports should involve birds. Imagine how much more exciting hockey would be, if the rink was filled with trash-talking parrots.

FACT: Although strict anti-gun laws have kept drive-by shootings from being a problem in England, a pedestrian was killed by a turnip thrown at him by a gang cruising in a car.

OPINION: Turnips don’t kill people. Vegans do.

FACT: A new jail built in New York state was designed with bars so far apart that prisoners could fit between them. OPINION: I have yet to see a prison that is midget-proof.

FACT: During a robbery at a golf course in Tennessee, the robber shot his victim, but the bullet bounced off a golf ball in the victim’s pocket.

OPINION: If I was being robbed at a golf course, I’d rather get shot in the balls than have some punk, golf-hooligan steal my putter.

FACT: A patent has been issued for a special screen to protect toilets from rats climbing through sewer systems. OPINION: It’s rat-tastic! But we should stop guinea pigs from sabotaging our water supply before worrying about rats in the toilets.

FACT: During a professional football game in New York, a giant, inflatable lawn mower, being used for a promotion, fell into the stands and killed a spectator. OPINION: His ass was grass! I guess inflatable lawn mowers are the only way you can cut astroturf.

FACT: Except for your brain cells, 50,000,000 of the cells in your body will have died and been replaced with others, all while you have been reading this sen- tence.

OPINION: Stop reading this sentence now, for God’s sake! Save yourself before it’s too late!

FACT: The. adult heart beats about 40,000,000 times a year. In one hour, the heart works hard enough to produce enough energy to raise almost one ton of weight one yard from the ground.

OPINION: But a Scotsman can hurl a log a couple feet during the highland games.

7 The Faction

If a heart and a Scotsman got in a fight, the only real winner would be the pro- moter who booked the fight in the first place.

FACT: The liver is often called the body’s chemical factory. Scientists have counted 500 different liver functions. OPINION: The liver may have 500 dif- ferent liver functions, but when. was the last time your liver ever did anything that you could make a couple bucks from? Never? I thought so. To hell with livers, I’m a gall bladder fan.

FACT: There are nearly 45 miles of nerves running through our bodies. OPINION: I get nervous measuring parts of my body, but I’d be gllad to measure parts of yours.

FACT: Messages travel along the nerves as electrical impulses. The fastest they travel is about 248 miles per hour. OPINION: The time it takes for nerves to send your brain a message of what some- thing you touched feels like gives you enough time to take

your hand away from

the gum stuck under & your desk before you are tempted to eat it.

FACT: In one square inch of skin there are four yards of nerve fibers, 1,300 nerve cells, 100 sweat glands, three million cells and three yards of blood vessels. OPINION: When someone you don’t like touches you, tell them that they just touched 100 of your sweat glands, and they’ ll probably never bother you again.

FACT: Hair is the fastest growing tissue in the body, second only to bone marrow. OPINION: Hockey hair is a whole other issue. It’s a complete mystery why mul- lets grow faster in the back of the head than the front.

FACT: 35 meters of hair fibre is produced

every day on the average adult scalp. OPINION: When people go bald, do they keep growing 35 meters of hair every day in places other than their heads?

FACT: The average scalp has 100,000 hairs. Redheads have the least at 80,000; brown and black haired persons have about 100,000; and blondes have the most at 120,000.

OPINION: Blondes have more fun

because they have the most hair on their heads, but I bet bald people have even more fun because they have the most hair on their backs, underarms, and scrotum.

FACT: 90% of scalp hairs are growing and 10% are resting.

OPINION: But the bugs and mites that live in your scalp never rest. They’re busy laying eggs and stealing all your good ideas.

FACT: You must lose over 50% of your scalp hairs before it is apparent to anyone. OPINION: If I lost 50% of my scalp hair, I'd be on the ground looking for it. Whenever I loose my keys I usually find them on the ground.

FACT: Many drugs can cause hair loss. OPINION: For a more natural way to cause hair loss, drink BEEP.

FACT: Thyroid imbalance and iron defi- ciency are reversible causes for hair loss. OPINION: An irreversible cause for hair loss is cutting your hair.

FACT: Over 50% of men by age 50 have male pattern hair loss.

OPINION: Male pattern baldness is preferable to Vanilla Ice pattern baldness which involves ran- dom, straight lines of hair loss and “Word to the mother” written on the back of the head.

z 5 z is 6

FACT: These facts were gleaned from various sources including several books and various sources on the Internet.

OPINION: I thought I should include that fact in case I ever get sued for blatant plagiarism because all the facts are stolen from uncredited sources that stole them from other uncredited sources. Ironically the above fact that the facts were “gleaned” was also stolen. You can tell it was stolen because I would never use the word “ ”’ in a sentence unless I was making a reference to masturbating.

FACT: The record for the deepest free dive is held by Jacques Mayol. He dove to an astounding depth of 282 feet without any breathing equipment.

OPINION: It would be even more astounding if he didn’t dive in water. Only chickenshits dive in water.

FACT: The deepest spot on Earth is 35,802 feet (11,034 m) deep. It is found in the Mariana Trench, one of the many deep valleys of the Pacific Ocean. _ OPINION: According to Jacques Mayol, the Mariana Trench is home to the horni- est dolphins in all of the Pacific Ocean.

FACT: Movie director James Cameron ventured to 12,378 feet below the surface of the Atlantic, in a submersible with a nine-inch-thick porthole, to film the movie Titanic.

OPINION: In order to get in character for Titanic, Leonardo Di Caprio held his breath underwater for long periods of time, and had sex with an 85-year-old woman who claimed to be a Titanic sur- vivor.

FACT: The highest tides on Earth are found in the Bay of Fundy east of New Brunswick, Canada. The channeling effect of the bay is responsible for the amazing difference between high tide and low tide, which, during spring tides, can reach 53.5 feet. This is almost as tall as a four-story building.

OPINION: There’s nothing fundy about 53.5 foot tides. There’s never anything fundy about puns either, that’s why I refuse to use such techniques.

FACT: The longest mountain range on Earth is really the Mid-Ocean Ridge. It extends from the Arctic Ocean, down the middle of the Atlantic, winding into the Pacific Ocean.

OPINION: I hope the mountain goats on that range know how to swim, or have breathing apparatuses.

FACT: The largest waterfall on Earth is actually underwater. It is found in the Denmark Strait, and slowly cascades downward for 2.2 miles. This is over three times as tall as Angel Falls, in ‘Venezuela, which is the tallest land water- fall.

OPINION: Land waterfall? Is that like a waterfall with chunks of grass, dirt, and cows constantly flowing downward?

FACT: The tallest mountain ‘On Earth is also partly underwater. un an. inactive volcanic island in Hawaii, stands 33,465 feet tall when measured from ocean floor to summit. OPINION: High diver, Jacques Mayol, would probably chicken out if you dared him to dive into lava inside the volcano. Like I said before, only chickenshits dive in water.

Pavan