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By Matthew Dorrell

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So this is a travel column. And this is the introduction to a travel column. Feel free to skip the introduction, it being tedious and self-indulgent (the column itself - merely self-indulgent).

It will not be a typical trav- el column. I am a student, and am subject to the same financial situa- tion as most students, making my travel rather mundane, if not entire- ly speculative.

I will not be offering travel- ing advice. I have little advice to offer, and even if I were more knowledgeable, the thought of edu-

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cating, advising or helping you in any way at all does nothing for me.

I apologize for the title, but it was the best I could come up with, and it is travel-related. It’s not like you offered any brilliant sug- gestions either.

On a Plane. Somewhere between Moncton and Ottawa.

I guess it isn’t surprising that flight attendants are bitter peo- ple. Smiling all day will do that to anyone. Giving the same damn speech and seatbelt demonstration two dozen times a week doesn’t 4 help either. A fun thing to do while

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they give their safety speech is to look out the window, read a book or do anything other than pay atten- tion. If you’re lucky this will upset them and they will deploy the oxy- gen mask above you and, if you’re fast enough, you could even strap it on (I wasn’t fast enough). This isn’t actually fun, but how often do you get to wear an oxygen mask? Besides, there isn’t much else to do on an airplane anyway, is there? People on airplanes or any structure that places them high above the ground seem to invari- ably compare the people on the ground to ants. I have never, and I suspect never will, understand this. Perhaps this is because I have above average sight (true), bound- less common sense (an exaggera- tion) or because I know exactly when and when not to apply a pene (blatantly false).

Bens ibe Ai oe Oe AN 2. The Wonder, The Curse, and the Loud Black Noise 3. How Many People It Actually Takes To Run A Student Union

the

4. The Liver In My Pie (3)

5. Death By Handshake

6. A Small Towel of

Equivocation

7. Mickey Acorn’s Five Tips to

Fire Safety

8. The 20 Foot Man Is

Probably Just Three Men

Standing On Each Other’s Shoulders

9. Music 4 Airports

10. Apologia (4)

gaze upon

While I am sure you are dis- appointed that this issue was so small, I can explain. See we had enough con- tent for about 17.5 pages. However the printing process works in fours (16, 20, 24, 28, 32, 36 you get it) so we have chopped like an Iron Chef on thy- roxine, and present you with these tight, and smart 16 pages.

Now for the future.

‘The future?’—you are say- ing.

Yes—the future.

In these pages you can look

exactly as they were on the ground - save that they are much smaller (only in appearance, of course). Not so romantic I know, but then neither are ants.

Cleavage (male or female, whatever your preference) is awful- ly difficult to see, which is always very disappointing as being a great height above said cleavage would seem the perfect opportunity to

it with impunity. Perhaps this is the reason that peo- ple use the ant metaphor — as a pathetic attempt to disguise their overwhelming disappointment at the lack of cleavage visible from Derby\irplane, skyscraper or zeppe- weight ; “To be fair, I do have my «j,) yns about the appearance aphorism ty wings from a great dis- nice to close. 1-do think that roads with?” ’ through forests, as Why y! airplane in winter, You c:2 some sort of picto- you cana smileage — appearing in “Wait ‘ines against a black an Editorial last. ngely, I haye never ten so bad that. aise mention this. from pres io do with eyesight oN Bove average) or my

Kent J. Bruy1: ‘a metaphor (very apt Editor-In-Ch: Pethaps most people a much better under- what does or does not

ental ictograph. But I doubt

Thesaurus.

(3) Boosted fre

(4) Appropriat. Issue: Ottawa! Well, (5) Raped fret, You’ve all likely been (6) Plup’’ and it isn’t all that excit- Minirefe.

(7) Bury / WaY- The best thing about (8) Cont, after all, is Hull. Just like (9) Anrest thing about Ontario is

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