Commissionaires on secret assignment

by Scoop Hornbacher

Campus commissionaires are proving that they’re serious about nabbing parking violators by going undercover, a spokesper- son says.

d’O’Brian, as he struggled with the zipper of his shrub suit.

“Don’t you worry, mister pretty reporter boy,” he said, picking aphids out of his teeth. “We’ve got men all over this zone (refer-

ring to SLEET campus).” Though evasive, d’O’Brian admitted that he has “agents” everywhere, including men who lie under cars 14 hours a day, waiting for the “criminals” (below,

“agents” Crack and Whiplash seconds before being exposed). Other disguises reportedly in use include thsoe of “manhole cov- ers, little old ladies looking for the university,” and “ACA stu-

dents looking for inspiration.”

“We'll never surrender,” con- cluded d’O’Brian. “We'll fight in the Burns and in the Ware and ooohhh ... ooohhh ... shhhh ... here comes one now.”

“All these wet-behind-the-ears, greenhorn, spoiled, smart-butt, fancy car-driving, hotshot stu- dents have to get up pretty darn early to pull a fast one on us,” spouted Commissionaire Man- agua d’O’Brian, co-ordinator of the stealth operation.

In the past week, SLEET guards have assumed various cover indentities in order to catch those who drive through the parking lot gates and simply smile and wave to the attendant, pretend- ing to have a pass.

“Abhaa!!! Here comes one now ... watch this,” an overly confident d’O’Brian screeched, as he slipped back into his “small, unsuspecting shrub” costume. A beat-up ‘73 Impala unknow- ingly crept up to the toll booth, only inches from the frothing commissionaire. The driver saw that no one was selling passes, so turned around and sped off.

“You scared him off!” snapped

HINIVERSITY OF PRINCE EUWARD. ISLAND

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102.3FM/700AM

CABLE CAMPUS

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at Teally is Kidsomania.

For proof, check out the Centre in Tienammen Square Sunday where Few Kids On The Block will per- form two sold-out shows. Failing that, there’s always UW’s Sumanities Hall, Where Few Kids play March 23.

ine Chinese boys, each the only child of poverty- stricken yak farmers, got together when they realized they were the only toddlers in the neighbourhood, since the government imposed tough birth laws.

Often labeled sexist, journalists have had a field day over the homogeneous composition of the band.

Kid Limp Wang concurs.

"Well, it couldn’t be helped," says Wang speaking from the Turret’s spacious dressing room, "whenever a girl is born in the neighbourhood, she just seems to dis- appear."

As we spoke, we could hear the tumultuous roar of sex-crazed Laurier students outside. "It’s nothing" says Wang, "we had 300 kids camped outside our winnebago behind Forwell’s this afternoon."

Indeed, Wang, his chum Tuff Wing, Dunn Wong, Danny Wung and Donnie Weng are loving every Few Kids minute of it.

Actually, there’s lots to enjoy.

The group’s second album, Wangin’ Tough, has sold 16 million copies on the strength of five hit singles, a sold-out tour, and a friendly barter of bodily fluids with record executives.

And insanity it is.

For instance, Wang was trying to relax alone in his 2Sth-floor Atlanta hotel room before a concert recently.

“T thought I heard voices, " says Wang.

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The real Shock Hazard is on page 6. ae

Few Kids pawishiek UPEI

He had. He looked out his window in time to see 20 teenaged girls going wild in a building-under- construction close to the hotel.

"I found out rater that they had paid one of the con- stluction wolkers to take them up the erevator." The

yellow-bellied teen raced cowardly out of the building |

screaming into the night.

Sounds like a hard day for Wang. But he’s not com- plaining. "We didn’t actuarry expect all of this, " he says. “We're still pinching each other and nibbring each other’s ears."

When they have time, of course. Their schedule is as hectic as their fans are happily harried.

In fact, Few Kids had to bring some of their yak farm on the road in order to take care of the fragile animals.

"They thought it was kind of funny when we tlied to get them into the hotel," says Wang. "Our manager ret them glaze in the robby. What a sight!"

What a wacky bunch. But’soon they’ll be gone as they tap the market mined by former teen throbs such as Wham!, The Bay City Rollers and The Monkees.

"I think it was just the light time for a gloup rike us to come arong," says Wang. "There aren’t many Oliental teen gloups that have whoresomeness."

"Sure, we say we're from the stleet, but we’re not hoodrums. We just glew up in a shitty envilonment.

“We get mothers and glandmothers coming to our shows, too. It’s pletty awful having to cart them all away for dearing clack to the kidrings."

Few Kids are on an egg roll, even if they are cautious about it.

Limp Wang of Chinese super-group The Few Kids On _ The Block is in town Sunday for two sold-out

performances, Johnny Deppe, Photo

"I could see how we could become conceited," Wang Says. "But we’re just so darn cool that we deserve to have the babes claw! all over us. We keep revel heads."

While all around them, Kids’ fans are losing theirs.

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