The Panther Prints ¢

*Bawb the Ambitious News Guy: The Cloning Issue

By: Bawb

Since the revolutionary cloned sheep embryo has been brought into existence, there has been substantial debate over the morality of the subject, and in particular, pertaining to the now prominent possibility of adopting this cloning technique to human reproduction. But did you ever see those Australian Rules Football line judge guys? Man, they’re cool. Now, if there was ever a particular group of people that looked like they were cloned, it would be these studmuffins. They all wear the same white formal suits, of course, but even their faces are the same. That would be the best job in the world. You just stand there, in an anal retentive, authoritative manner, and point with both arms after a goal is kicked. And you just look cool while doing it too, cause the whole gesture’s just like, “I’m cool, cause I’m wearing a white suit, and I look dumb, but you have to look at me, so I'm cool.” Man, that’s awesome. But, I guess I’Il never get to live this employment dream, since I’m not one of their clones. Oh well.

Incidentally, Australian Rules Football is quite an entertaining sport. Well, all I can get out of it is that they all just kill each other for the ball, but that’s all a sport needs to be, anyway. Now ifonly they had Australian Rules Lawn Bowling. Now, that would kick tremendous amounts of ass. “Oh, and what an exquisite bowl by Geves. He is certainly proud of that one folks as he--oh, and a superb punch to his face, by the retaliating Jenkins.” That would become more popular than football in a second.

But, man, did you ever see this sex talk show that seems to be on T.V. on Sunday evenings? I must say it’s quite intriguing--if you like seeing a 90 YEAR OLD LADY talk about sex, that is. I don’t know, call me crazy, but observing a senior citizen giving caller advice on anal intercourse just isn’t something that really turns my crank. Man, it’s disgusting. But what would really be cool, is if O.J. Simpson, as his new source of employment, took over her position as a sex talk person. Just because his slogan would be: “Worried? Confused? Scared? Take O.J.’s advice. OR HE’LL KILL YOU.” That would be quite cool.

And another thing that would kick generous portions of ass that I’ve always wished would happen, is if sometime, instead of poking the Pillsbury Doughboy in the stomach, someone just hauled off and punched him. Nothing says anxiety release like that, man. That thing is annoying. It could be the devil, actually. You never know. And speaking of cloning, all I can say is I’m glad there’s not two of them. Oh yeah, and also speaking of cloning, I guess I was ironically sorta supposed to mainly speak of that subject in this here article thingy. Oh dear. Now where was my mind. In my clone, I guess. Mwhaa hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

...l0dd MacLean is not really a clone.

By FINLEY MARTIN

The battle that many sports analysts predict could be a preview to the Intramural “B” Division Basketball Final took place last Tuesday night. The Five Year Planand Dream Team 4 took to the court in an all out defensive battle for an important mental edge over the other team. The FYP, unbeaten since December ‘96 were without two of its players:Dave Christian and Rick Millard. Dream Team 4 had suffered only one loss this semester but had only beaten FYP by 2 points in their last meeting. The resulting match was close throughout much of the game. Unfortunately The Five Year Plan, with a bench of only one, could not keep pace enough in the second half. The final score was 57 to 48 for Dream Team 4.

In other news, the Five Year Plan Cultural Centre was turned into a scientific experi- ment over the February Break. The Centre was converted into a mini bio-dome where the

March 11, 1997

FYP team, Head Coach Mr. Hands, and Spiritual Advisor and Relationship Counsellor Greg Fraser were required to stay for an entire week. The participants were not permit- ted to have contact with any- body outside Centre nor was the outside world permitted to have any contact with the par- ticipants. The project was developed to measure mental and physical endurance as well as observing social groups in their natural habitat. Acting team spokesman Dave Chris- tian commented “We felt that it was [the FYP’s] duty to help

‘further scientific advance-

ments. By taking part in this project, we have made‘a social contribution that won’t go un- noticed by the world.” Results of the project are, as of yet, inconclusive.

For more info on the Five Year Plan, check out our

website at http:// www.peionline.com/fep or email them at

fanmail@peionline.com

Service

resume"

resume

Professional Resume

"Able to create or improve any

$30 service includes: *45 min. cone with *3 copies of new resume on bond paper *I disk containing a WordPerfect 6.0 version of

Students apply now and

TWARTMAN@ISN.NET

It’s that easy!

A national program of PITCH-IN C A and this newspaper

www.pitch-in.ca

® oe

WWE

CANADA Their future is our future. I-800-26-PANDA

Discuss organ donation with your family and sign a donor card today.

$

beat the summer rush THE KIDNEY FOUNDATION OF CANADA Call Tim at 566-1997 or Email at