CHESTER S CORNE University sports by Alex Field

Boxing Match To Bring Peace Among UPEI Students

do so, despite the fact that the referee kept insisting that tackling wasn't a part of the boxing rules, but Deighan showed no

Tyson versus Hollyfield, Foreman versus Qawi, and Ali versus Frazier, these

War Plan Shelley

Brad Deighan is a third year philos- ophy major here at UPEI whose interests include reading, writing, walking, and drooling into a stainless-steel swivel chin-cup located around his not yet broken lower jaw. This 5'8" bean-pole weighs in at 140 pounds, and when asked before the match about his training measures his sunken eyes lit up and he softly exclaimed, "Well, I've been reading quite a lot of Nietzsche as of late, writing various papers on the Hobbesian state of nature, a little Huxley to back him up, and all the while I've been specifically excluding all of that ‘Mutual Aid’ garbage Kropotkin likes to drone on about and... yeah I think I'm ready for this fight. I'm ready for this fight! Grrrrrr...owl!"

Deighan also explained that he'd been training against some very tough steel chairs down at the Wave, learning new techniques and working on various new ways to achieve extensive body energy sustainment. He's also been running the stairs in the Main Building and working on his cardiovascular fitness. Sadly, he often cries the name "T.J.," whose death a few years ago upset the chemical balance within his mind, which forces ~

are some of the greatest boxing matches in history. And now a new fight can be place among these great battles; Deighan versus MacNeill. These two finely-toned competi- tors faced off this past Friday March 21 in a boxing match.

The match between Brad Deighan and Shelley MacNeill was created as a means to bring peace between the women and men, and has been promoted with the title "Operation Sexes Freedom."

Deighan began the fight by taking the opportunity to address the audience to explain the reason why this boxing match was necessary.

When the match finally got underway Deighan began by tackling MacNeill to the ground, and continued to

respect to the official, as he punched the ref in the face.

When they to competitors finally got to the fight, they took turns exchang- ing punches. Things seemed bad for MacNeill, who took a punch to the mouth, which cut her lip. MacNeill was able to regain her composure and began to attack Deighan with a fury of upper cuts and jabs in the final couple of minutes of the five minute match.

In the end, MacNeill was declared the winner of the match, despite her bloody mouth, and lack of breath. This battle had clearly worn-out both fighters. Note: This event started as a battle of the sexes, and ended as a war protest.

Moment of Truth Speech

Standing in the ring wearing dress pants, a dress shirt nicely complemented with an Irving Oil tie, and headgear cling- ing tightly to his head - perhaps a little too tightly - Deighan read a copy of a speech he had written in justification for his actions. After getting almost a quarter of the way through, the audience booed and cursed at him to shut up, where he simply tried to raise the noise of his voice to outdo the noise of the impatient audience. Here is a copy of that speech:

"My fellow citizens, events on Campus have now reached the final day of decision. For more than one week, I have pursued patient and honorable efforts to disarm Shelley MacNeil, of her chemical and biological weapons of mass destruc- tion. This amassment includes such dan-

gerous chemical and biological weapons as fingers, fists, arms, legs... and even feet. Some of these weapons have an extended range of up to 700, or even 900 millimeteres - enough to launch an attack on such body parts as the face, the stom- ach, the kidneys...and possibly even the _

Shelley has refused to fully com- ply with inspectors and remove these maybe-existing-but-maybe-not-even-that weapons, from her premises. Shelley has also refused mankind the unlimited access of these... private, secret, hidden, premises. Instead, Shelley has decided to continue on with her hidden games, and with her non- compliance with UNderwear inspectors. Not only is Shelley not complying, but she continues to act as brutal dictator of her

him into a great deal of situations he'd rather not be in.

When asked whether he was worried about the upcoming match Deighan replied, "well I mean, Shelley's a rough girl, she's tough... but at the same time I'd gotten my Nietzsche down pretty good and Hobbes has really helped me out a lot with this and so no, I really wasn't all that worried, but maybe I should have been."

Shelley MacNiel is a second year business major here at UPEI whose interests include training hard for rugby, drinking hard for rugby, and eating solid metal church railings in loving religious memory of George "The Animal" Steel. This vicious 5'7"? rugby player weights in at over 200Ibs and has this to say; "200lbs?! You're fucking dead, Brad, because that's not even funny." However, the writer of this article would specifically like to say that Mr. Deighan did not have anything to do with this writing, and especially not about the 200lbs comment Shelley so please don't get angry and hurt really badly again just like on Friday because I know he likes to joke around and that's no reason to want to hurt him on purpose, I mean, come on, what gives if it's all in good fun right Shelley because you know it is and...

Shelley's training for this fight included extensive rugby work-outs, games and tournaments. Along with this, Shelley had been self-inflicting various knife wounds into her body to prepare her body for any of the possible pains and rigours of the upcoming match. When asked for a quote before the match, Shelley told reporters that she had no weapons of mass destruction, but if Brad was to attack, she would fight until the end.

body parts, forcing them into game after game of women's rugby, forcing them to attend class after class, and to do assign- ment after assignment. Along with forcing her body parts into dangerous situations on and off the field, she also repeatedly uses poisonous toxins upon her. own organs while here at the Wave, and continues to build upon her weapons of mass destruc- tion.

I have given ample time for Shelley to show good faith just as I have already done, yet this good faith has not been returned. Instead of drifting along toward tragedy, I will set a course toward safety, by bombing Shelley with my fists. Before the day of horror can come, before it is too late to act, this danger will be removed.

As I enforce the just demands of our Campus, I will also honor the deepest commitments of our University. I believe

that women everywhere are deserving and capable of human liberty. Once Shelley has been crushed, she can set an example to all the women of a vital and peaceful, and male-dominated-but-still-equality-based- sex. What we are looking for is freedom and equality between the sexes, and this can not be achieved until Shelley and her allies have been disarmed of their chemical and biological weapons, and put under the equality driven rule of man - their fingers, their hands, their arms, their feet, and even their legs, must go. I will not stop, until even my pancreas, is safe.

That is the future we choose. Men have a duty to defend themselves by unit- ing against the sort-of-possibly-maybe- some-day-but-not-yet-actually, violent females. And tonight, I accept that respon- sibility.

Good night, and may God contin- ue to bless Mankind. Ah, Human... kind.

page [19] March 26 2003