The Cadre +

10 March 1998

unMitiGa@TeD A. daclt¥

How ‘bout some real Hooligans and HOODS on the Hill?

(or, “Nothing like a little seige mentality to get the ol’ creative juices flowing, eh?")

Being the CBC junkie that | am, I cannot help but be curious about the current investigative series that the Radio One network has been doing about the Hell’s Angels.

According to the “experts”, everyone’s favourite motorcycle group should be considered the most dangerous criminal element in Canada, due to their massive involvement in drug trafficking, prostitution and smuggling operations. Going further, the Angels have er been described as a threat to national security. After listening to the ments made by sides, seeing good and bad in each camp's defenses, | started to w how the maximum benefit could be brought out of the situation. Although I have no doubts that even a moderately- armed cell of bikers could take over Parliament Hill with ease, | got to thinking that maybe the boys in Ottawa could stand to learn a lesson or two from the Hell's Angels. Seeing how efficient the smuggling and racketeering arms of the gang are, | believe the government Id adopt an “if you can’t beat ‘em” attitude and openly welcome the Hell's Angels into the governmental fold. Aside from drastically reducing the budget allotted to law enforcement, the government - - and possibly the nation at large -- could benefit immensely from the government-gang relationship.

The main gain for the Hell’s Angels would be legitimacy. Their business dealings would no longer be under constant scrutiny from law enforcement agencies (also reducing the number of bribed officials within the bureaucracy, improving faith in the system), and inging the criminal element within Canada down drastically. There'd be no need to smuggle illicit substances into the country since the outlaw would have become the law, and the legalization of drugs and prostitution would provide tax grabs and profit for government coffers.

The first obvious benefit for Canadians is that the bureaucratic structure of Canada would move along much quicker with the use of a little muscle. For example, if tax and welfare cheats were paid a late-night visit by four hulking men with baseball bats, fraud would quickly become a thing of the past. There'd be no rwork for legit transactions, just meetings involving briefcases and dark bars. Additionally, replacing the RCMP with bikers would grind crime toa standstill. Like the fraud strategy, with cycle goons patrolling the streets, the t of being used as a concrete paperweight should be enough to scare off anyone cven thinking about committing acrime. :

Secondly, the monopoly and obscene profit-making of the banks could be put to a screeching halt. Same idea applies: realizing that there’s a large share of the pie to be had, government agents offer to provide a protection service to the banks and their investments in exchange for a healthy percentage of the profits. A few blown-up loan centres would reduce any resistance to the idea (not to mention satisfy the evil desires of most Canadians), and oodles of money would be going to healthcare and education, as well as to pay off the deficit. If a bit of fraud went on within the money collection structure

Third! national security would take a quantum leap from current standards. The increased strengths of our ground defences would be obvious. Peacekeeping missions overseas would become the most respected/feared (same thing) in the disputed region - who would dare one fire on a battalion of bikers? As well, by teaching a few hundred bikers to sail or ride jet-skis, the practice of over-fishing in Canadian water would effectively come to an end. Ever seen Waterworld ? Imagine Dennis Hopper’s gang of thugs waving the Maple Leaf and attacking a Spanish turbot trawler. It'd be a thing of beauty. ee

Ofcourse, this situation would not be without a few flaws -- disputes with rival gangs would amount to civil war, animal rights activists would have conniptions about all the leather being worn - but the prospect of a government of Canada - Hell's Angels alliance could really be a positive thing. Or at the very be a tiny change from the present situation. | mean, as things stand now we're being robbed. What difference would it make if the taxman wears a tie or spiked gloves if we're being robbed either way?

- Ross Williams, who's gonna chop a motorscooter

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