FACT: Puritans kept their sons from masturbating by wrapping their penises in leather or cover- ing them with plaster.

OPINION: Nothing prevents kinky behavior in children better then wrapping their junk in leather.

FACT: Chinese men have small- er testicles than American men. OPINION: The Americans may have larger balls, but the Chinese have chicken balls.

FACT: The average single man has ten sex partners before tying the knot.

OPINION: Now that's a wedding I'd pay money to see.

FACT: 0.5 percent of men have penises that are 4 inches or smaller.

OPINION: If your penis is 4 inches or smaller, you're only 0.5 percent of a man.

FACT: According to Penthouse Magazine, women complain more frequently than men about not enough sex.

OPINION: Women wouldn't have to complain so much if they'd just dress more slutty.

FACT: A dendrophilac is turned on by trees.

OPINION: These people are prone to attacks by jealous woodpeckers.

FACT: There are 9 million pic- tures in the Playboy archive. OPINION: | bet the mattress on top of that archive is fucking | huge.

-:page [14] September 15, 2003:.

FACT AND OPINION

By Special Guest Stephan MacLeod

FACT: According to Playboy it takes a woman 11 minutes to orgasm after initial penetration, but it takes a man only 3 min- utes.

OPINION: A guy needs to orgasm quickly because, unlike women, he has lots of important things to do besides sex.

FACT: 58% of women surveyed by Penthouse said they would have sex with a man for $1 mil- lion.

OPINION: If that's what it takes for these women to have sex, no wonder they're not getting

any.

FACT: 4% of adult women have sex solely to keep their man's interest.

OPINION: Have these women ever heard of puppetry?

FACT: Men fantasize about scantily clad women more than naked women.

OPINION: What does it mean when you fantasize about women draped in blobs of goo?

FACT: The average love making session lasts 15 minutes. OPINION: If you hate the per- son you're having sex with it may last even longer.

FACT: 73% of men are still potent at age 70.

OPINION: 70 year olds are real- ly into adult diapers and fucking.

FACT: 20% of women who live with their boyfriends have anoth- er sex partner on the side. OPINION: I'd rather be a sex partner than a boyfriend. That way you're guaranteed sex. And being someone's partner sounds way more professional than just being their friend.

FACT: 20% of heterosexual cou- ples do not kiss every time they have sex.

OPINION: Most heterosexual couples prefer having sex in

| separate rooms. But, that's just

been my experience.

FACT: Agomatophiliacs are turned on by mannequins. OPINION: Remember that movie where Andrew McCarthy plays Jonathan Switcher, an artist trapped inside the body of someone who is utterly inept at

any job he tries, and after a few .

disastrous career attempts, he finds himself working at a man- nequin factory where he builds a mannequin whose beauty at last makes him feel like a true artist, but his perfectionism and slow work means that he is once

again looking for a new career which leads him to work at a big department store where, coinci- dentally, his mannequin has ended up, and the mannequin comes to life as Emmy, an ancient time-travelling Egyptian princess who has never before been satisfied with her life in other timezones, and only Jonathan can see her alive, and their relationship inevitably caus- es much suspicion and rumours among the department store, so conspiring store manager Mr Richards, played by McCarthy's long-time pal James Spader hilariously pursues the truth about the mannequin with quotable lines like: "You people who work at night scare me’, and the mannequin inspires Jonathan to create the most stunning store display windows in Philadelphia, and his profile as a designer rises in the process, but the store security guard Felix and his dog 'Rambo' are also working the case, and will stop at nothing to uncover the secret behind Switcher's mad artistic genius: 'Oooh Switcher..you are one sick puppy’ (Felix to Jonathan on seeing him cavorting with the wooden Mannequin), and even- tually, as the windows help the department store back into prof- it, even the rival stores get inter- ested in the action and try to poach Jonathan's talents, name- ly ‘Illustra’ - the company of sleezy tycoon B.J Wert, and ina crazy bid for his services, they steal his mannequin and take her to the Industrial Mannequin Chopper in Illustra's storeroom? Neither do I.