Ask the Sexy Studies Religious Majors

by George and John

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Dear Hot Bitches: - What colour was Jesus?

MJ.

Well M.J. the Bible never says what colour Jesus was. There are a few theories floating around: let us look at a few of them:

JESUS WAS WHITE

Any tour of the Vatican will make it abundantly clear that Jesus was not only a beef cake, but also white; white just like the artists that

painted him. Jesus being a honky is confirmed by a reference in the Jewish holy book the Talmud (the Talmud is an ancient collection of commentaries on the Jewish scriptures and other reli- gious writings). The Talmud claims Jesus to be the son of Panther, a Greek soldier in Galilee at the time. Early critics of Christianity say Mary was raped by Panther and made up the whole virgin birth thing to cover up. Christian thinkers who seem comfort- able with a white Jesus say Panther was Jesus’s legitimate grandfather; the true father of Joseph. This explanation of Jesus’ parentage reconciles the dif-

fering genealogies (elaborate family trees that trace Jesus’s descent through father to grandfather to great grandfa- ther and so forth) that appear in the Biblical books of Mathew (Matthew 1:12-16) and Luke (Luke 3: 23).

JESUS WAS BLACK

The geographic location of the Middle East has made it a historical crossroads between Asia, Europe, and Africa. Many: different ethnic groups have lived in the area. The theory that Jesus was black rests on the idea that the Jewish people were made up of a variety of ethnic groups. In Ethiopia, there is.a sizable group of black Jews. These black Jews have been there at least 1,000 years and some speculate they might have been around for much longer. The black Jews may have emi- grated from Israel. This may prove that at one time there was a sizable group of black Jews in the Middle

East.

Some believe Jesus may have been one of these black Jews. For proof they look to Jesus’s genealogies (you know, the same genealogies that prove Jesus was white). The ethnicity of the men in the genealogies is gener- ally accepted to be Middle Eastern or Semitic. However some of the women the men married and/or had children with belonged to a racial group the Jews called the Hamish; which we call African or black. Therefore, Jesus has at least some black blood.

The final item of proof comes from the Bible itself, in the final book of the New. Testament called Revelations. In Revelations 1:14-15 the writer has a vision of Jesus where he compares Jesus’s hair to wool and says Jesus’s feet are like bronze. The wool reference could be a description the of the texture and look of a black man’s hair. The bronze reference at least indicates Jesus was a man of colour; not a cracker.

JESUS WAS MIDDLE EASTERN (SEMITIC)

Alternatively, maybe Yeshua (in English: Jesus) having a Hebrew name, attending the Jewish temple — looked like 90% of the pop- ulation of his home Galilee, who had Hebrew names and worshipped at the Temple. Both of the genealogies have Jesus descended from David, the great king of Israel. Jesus’s mother Mary would likely be Hebrew; having a Hebrew name, being married to a Hebrew and having a Hebrew geneal- ogy (documented in the non-biblical holy book The Infancy Gospel of James).

If you have any questions on any aspect of religion, email it to sexyreli- giousmajors@hotmail.com or drop it off at the Cadre office (Main 06)

Next week we present: “A question from Dr. Buck” or: “What I didn’t learn at Oxford I learned from the Sexy Religious Majors.”

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