FACT: Your urine will turn bright yel- low if you eat too much asparagus. OPINION: If farmers were smart, they’d change the name of asparagus to glow-in-the-dark pissberries. But farm- ers are not smart. That’s why they live on farms.

FACT: One radio station banned an ad for tooth- paste in the 1920s because the subject was thought to be too racy.

OPINION: Radio stations back then were really sen- sitive about offending audi- ences with racy commer- cials during broadcasts of The Amos and Andy Show.

FACT: In 1946, the first slinky was pro- duced. Only 400 were made and sold out in one and a half at a department store in New York City.

OPINION: If people were that impressed with something stupid that can walk down stairs, they’d love my cousin Rudy.

FACT: In ancient Greece, the word tele- phone meant shouting from one person to another over a distance.

OPINION: In ancient Greece, e-mail meant yelling to fifty different people about some little girl dying of a disease so Bill Gates would donate one dollar for each yell towards the little girl’s operation.

FACT: The Eisenhower interstate sys- tem requires that one mile in every five

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must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

OPINION: The rest of the interstate system is gay.

FACT: Vancouver Island marmots com- municate by physical contact and by

‘whistling. Their most frequent call is a high-pitched whistle, which warns.

colony members of danger. Hence one local nickname—whistle pig. OPINION: That was my nickname in highschool. Except instead of “whistle” it was “ass”.

FACT: The UPEI Barn opened in 1971 as the University’s student centre. OPINION: It still functions as the sym- bolic hangout for UPEI’s redneck popu- lation (when they’re finished mating at Burger King). :

FACT: In 1972 the Lady Panthers field hockey team won the Atlantic

Intermediate championship.

OPINION: Field hockey is like ice hockey except for the chance that a bird might shit on your head during second period.

FACT: In 1977 the UPEI women’s curling team won the AUAA championship. OPINION: Is it just me, or does anyone else find a bunch of women with brooms screaming “Hard!” erotic?

FACT: In 1988 the UPEI Panthers won second AUAA men’s basketball and third men’s hockey championships. OPINION: The only winners in UPEI’s athletic department this year are the people who bet money against the Panthers.

FACT: The first Masters Degree at UPEI was awarded in 1989.

OPINION: Anyone who feels the need to be called “Master” should train in martial arts, or find a prostitute. Either way, that person will save money instead of wasting it at UPEI.

FACT: UPEI celebrated its 25th Anniversary in 1994,

OPINION: 25 years of rednecks learn- ing to read books is reason enough to celebrate.

FACT: Drinking 100 cups of coffee in 4 hours will kill the average adult. OPINION: But it’s perfectly safe for small children. |

FACT: In 1999, UPEI’s campus radio station, CIMN, was shut down by Student Union President Andrew Peppin. . OPINION: Any radio station that does- n’t play Phil Collins every hour deserves to be shut down. Way to go Peppin, you fucking idiot.

FACT: On November 30, 1618, the first Thanksgiving was held in North America.

OPINION: Thanksgiving is the day when Americans remember that the Pilgrims and the Indians had a dinner. But in reality, that never actually hap- pened. Pilgrims and Indians are ficti- tious holiday characters like the Easter Bunny, the groundhog, and Queen Victoria.

FACT: Life expectancy for women in the United States is 82.

OPINION: I once read a birthday card that said “82 isn’t old...if you’re a tree.” I didn’t find the joke very funny, but I had to run after reading it because that damn 82 year old caught me stealing her mail again.

FACT: During a pro football game in New York, a giant inflatable lawn mower being used for a promotion fell into the stands and killed a spectator. OPINION: I can barely fit a small cat under my lawn mower, but imagine the splatter a football fan would make.

FACT: A traditional gourmet delicacy in France is cow brain fritters. OPINION: You could put the name of anything in front of the word fritter, and it would automatically sound like a bad idea.

FACT: Employment has now reached a point where the average establishment size

in the industry’ has increased by nearly 69% in only 9 years. These larger firms are more productive and by exploiting economies of scale, are better able to compete in international markets. OPINION: There is no stop- ping the Canadian furniture industry in its quest for world domination. They control our supply of tables and chairs. If it weren’t for them, we’d be eating off the floor like a bunch of Frenchmen.

FACT: Harry Houdini figured out how to escape from straight jackets when he was only 22 years old.

OPINION: That’s nothing. I’ve been escaping from straight jackets ever since my Dad started home schooling me.

FACT: A fisherman in Ohio was killed when a bluegill he caught flipped into his mouth and choked him to death.

OPINION: Now that’s poetic justice. I was disappointed by John Singleton’s

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