OcrosBer 12, 2005

Ask Mr. Advice

E -

Dear Mr. Advice,

Hey Mr. Advice, how ya doin’? [know you usually try to solve people’s problems, but I don’t really have a problem. I do however, have a question that you can maybe answer. Why is the ATM machine in the Robertson library gone? Or better yet, where did it go? I walk into the “Pit” , and I’m like wow, there’s no ATM; just a piece of wood. I just thought it was odd, and I’m kinda curious as to what happened. If you could find out for me, I’d appreciate it.

Thanks, Roamin the Library With No Cash

Dear Roamin,

You must be a first year. If you haven’t noticed, my name is “Mr. Advice”, not “Mr. Know-frigging- everything-about-frigging-everything.” How about this for an answer: go find out yourself. Besides, what the hell do you need money in the library for anyway? It’s a LIBRARY. The books are free. That’s how it works. My guess: too many dumbasses like yourself were trying to buy books, so they took it out. Either that, or someone threw a cup of beer at it and it walked away. Things like that tend to happen at UPEI. Besides, the blank plywood fits in much better with the rest of the campus’ decor, don’t you think? Hope this helps!

Iam, Mr Advice

Mr. Advice HEYA!

Just wanted to give a shout out to you and the rest of the Cadre staff. Thanx for making a super kool paper! Anyway, the reason I’m writing... I date a lot. All kinds of different guys. Tall ones, short ones. Ones with contacts, and ones without. I even once went out with Student Union Executive VP Shaun Coady (but that’s a different advice letter). So, the guy I’m with now is

D iaogs all the mueiians, wkethoon you like ef on aot!

pretty much a keeper: he comes from money. Boy, am I super excited. He drives me around in his pimpin’ car (he’s an ex-BK lot man). It’s an Acura. Anyway, I’ve been going to the same dentist, “Dr. Larry” for since I can remember, and he always asks me about my boyfriends and such. I told him all about the boy I’m with now, and how he was from money and how I planned on marrying him as soon as I could and then divorce him soon after to get the cash. I told him how this kid was all losery, and I was only with him for his dough. Dr. Larry seemed to be hesitant, but smiled kindly and sent me on my way. The next day, my boyfriend was showing me pictures of his family when I came across a picture of Dr. Larry! Turns out I’ve been dating his son this whole time! So I haven’t seen Dr. Larry since, but now my boy wants me to go to his parent’s place for Thanksgiving dinner, and I’m afraid he’ Il dump me if I don’t go... but I can’t meet Dr. Larry, I was talking about taking advantage of his son! What will I do? Signed, Gold-digger without a pick Dear Gold- digger, Well, too bad for you, but by the time this issue of The Cadre comes out, T-giving will be all over, and you would have already made your decision, and are probably now crying yourself to sleep every night because you’re out a dentist and an Acura: Crappy deal babe. Next time, you best keep your mouth shut until you’re at least married. By the way, doesn’t SU Exec VP Coady have an Acura? You could always try him again (and he dresses pretty feminine, so there’s a good chance he comes from money too). Hope this helps!

Iam Mr. Advice

What’s that? You have a question for Mr. Advice? Send him an email: askmradvi il.com

THE CADRE © 6

Drunk Freshman Hits on Student - Sex Does

Jamie McGuigan Reporter Wet/Dry Events are usually fun for all students involved. That is unless you are hit on by on an unattractive, drunken freshman. Dictionary.com defines hit as to pay unsolicited and usually unwanted sexual attention to. This is exactly the situation that arose as 3" year business student Joel West waited in line for the back to semester pub. The events of that fateful night have made at least one student think once about going to the Wave again. While West, a one time Wal- Mart greeter, was waiting in line with hopes of hearing some good music at the Wave and enjoying a few Labatt .5’s, someone else had different plans for the evening. Noticing Joel, and close friend Randy MacIntosh standing in line without female escorts a drunken girl felt it was the perfect time to make her move. Staggering over, she used to opening line “You’re hot” and followed up with “Give mea hug.” A rattled Joel later remarked, “I was scared for my life, and testicles. I politely declined, and went back to waiting for the fashion police to send a SWAT team after this girl.” Unfortunately for the two friends, that SWAT team never arrive. The only thing that came were more lude comments. “I’ll never forget what happened next,” recalled Randy, “She

Not Ensue

started slurring, saying 18 year olds can screw better than any other girls.” As if that wasn’t enough, both friends were invited back to her place to fornicate,

and exchange bodily fluids.

Thankfully the competent Wave bouncers began allowing people into the building. Clutching their tickets for dear life, and too scared to look back the two entered the facility. Lucky to have escaped the deranged freshman, the two remain unsure if they’ ll ever be able to return to a normal life.

“Well, it wouldn’t have been bad if this girl didn’t look like she’d escaped from the pen at AVC,” commented West, still trying to shake off the effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Even more terrified, MacIntosh added, “I probably would’ve hit it ifno one was around.”

This is not an isolated incident. There has been an increase of 24.7% of unattractive freshmen trying to engage in sexual acts on campus this year. All students are advised to exercise extreme caution when deciding to have a good time. Do not deploy beer goggles unless fully able to deal with the consequences. At this time university officials are unable to release a sketch of the suspect(s), but if more males come forward they should be in custody soon.