Point/Counterpoint: Mullets

Point by Brad DEIGHAN

Throughout history, the sad story of mullet racism has affected mullet-bearing individuals in many negative ways by the degradation and oppression of the mullet species.

The mullet consists of short hair in the front, on the top, and on the sides of the head with the angering part being the long flowing hair pro- truding from the back of the head. Mullet racism was first known to exist in ancient Greece. It began with the prosecution of Socrates, one of today’s most popular ancient philosophers. It was feared that Socrates would bring in his new mullet-gods and revolution- ize Greece into a mullet bearing soci- ety.

Socrates was not the only mul- let-headed philosopher, there was also Friedrich Nietzsche who described the mullet as the “uber-cut” or the “super-

ut”, describing the mullet-head as representing a higher stage of human- ity. Johannes Kepler once said “The mullet-head did not create the mullet haphazardly: A rational architecture underlies the structure of the mullet!”

Short hair in front allows the mullet-head to rise in the morning for work, put on a suit, and head for the office as a respected businessman. Then, after work, the long hair in back transforms the businessman into

Plato’s wild and intoxicated beast-man who will party on even after vomiting on himself and others. The only way to stop this frenzy is to feed the creature alcohol until a comatose like state is reached. However, mullet-heads often have extremely high tolerance to alco-

hol; Socrates himself was said to be unable to become intoxicated.

You will never hear a mullet- head growl about sunburn on the back of his/hers neck, nor will cold wind ever bother the mullet-head. Due to lack of washing, a greasy build-up is acquired and any type of liquid, be it alcohol, urine, vomit, etc., will quick- ly slide off the mullet and onto the ground. This makes the mullet practi- cal and easy to take care of.

Not only is the mullet the most intimidating, useful, and versatile haircut in today’s society, but it is eas- ily the most attractive and beautiful haircut man will ever see. There shall come a day when man will realize the ingenious hair-cut the mullet species has given us, mullet racism will stop, and Socrates’ dream shall come true.

Counterpoint by Jonah CAMPBELL

Man, fuckin’ mullet apologists .. aS tempting as it is to just let fly with a stream of obscenities and per- sonal attacks on your character, hygiene, and social skills, in the process devaluing all the hard work

| - Introduction to the Style Section

you put into constructing your (thor- oughly unconvincing) defense of the mullet, I’m feeling uncharacteristical- ly even-handed.

First off, you can take your commie mullet-sympathizing revi- sionist history bullshit and cram it up your urethra, cos the house that style built don’t have no occupancy for no fools. Secondly, claims as to the versa- tility of the haircut allowing so-called “mullet heads” to function both as productive members the white-collar economy as well as (oh-so socially useful) party animals, are undermined by the widely known fact that the only people who grow mullets are incredi- bly whipped dads, guys who wear American flag-print hammer pants but have confederate flag licence plates, and 35-year-old virginal D&D nerds.

Further, the practical aspects of the mullet extolled in your argu- ment aren’t exclusive to mullets, and in fact may be achieved by simple long hair, or by an exaggerated Beatles- style cut. The latter of the two, in par- ticular, being immensely more aes- thetically pleasing than the “classic ape drape.”

If association with a violent lifestyle is something to be prized, one may eschew resorting to such a ridicu- lous haircut and instead opt for the far superior super-greased pompadour, made “tough” by loutish rockabillies across the southern US. Haircuts not withstanding, to project an image of nonfuckwithability one can always rely on prison-style tattoos of brass knucks and straight razors, or better yet, their material equivalents.

Finally, one cannot overstate the seriousness of the decision to join

e first faatalinene or the newly iostablished Cadre Style Section. The purpose of this fea- y fashion-related comments or queries that students, faculty, or angry loners with inside con- xe to grind might like to express to the student body. We hope to feature reviews, stories, let- le a forum for style issues which might otherwise not be represented in the regular run of free to send in any comments or questions you might have. | can be reached by email at r just drop by the office in room 06 in the basement of Main where some poorly informed

ill make a half-hearted i erent to direct vou t my mailbox (we also have a mail slot). —r— — . cedonal ee sees Style Editor

that seamy underbelly of western cul- ture that is mullethood. It is not to be taken lightly, for while it may start with a haircut, the next thing you know you’re wearing denim with tigers and dragons and shit embroi- dered on the back and the wheels of your car have mysteriously disap- peared and been replaced with con- crete blocks (and you could’ve sworn you didn’t used to own a beat up old Chevy). For ultimately, it’s not just a haircut, it’s a way of life (and have you ever seen a mullet wife?).

ACT ienmenity presents

J

by Margaret Edson

Thursday, October 25th to Saturday, October 27th

8 p.m.

Sunday, October 28th 2 p.m. matinee

Mackenzie Theatre

Directed by Jeanne Henry

Tickets:

$14 Adult $12 Seniors, Students, unwaged

availahle at the Confederation Centre Box Office

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