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A Student Union Production Kent J. Bruyneel SCRA TC

Richard T. Haines WEED Cg

Heather E. Christie eT Te RSC)

SCE Production Editor

Sarah K. Murphy News Editor

Ee A&E Editor

UCM ET Sports Editor

BTEC ee eT Circulation

Danica Jackson Photographer

UT PUTO URED Cg

He Bre eae Ceti) || Stephan McQuaid David MacDonald Kelly Mason irae

CTA TACT Stephan Macleod TC

eC Tet CT) WUT OTE) Samra Cad T

CT ET ER ee TES CT RUST a PUTTS RT eT Te CET ete

PUTTS UTC aia the Catire Press Syndicate. Est. 1969.

Contact: Send letters to Create : PERT AUTEM ETC or eMail: newspaper@upei.ca.

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Cool | Love by Ladies Love Coolbreeze

Dear Coolbreeze:

I don’t have a clue how to dress sexy. Whenever I see supermodels wearing skimpy outfits I think to myself, “Gee, none of my clothes look like that.” How can I change my ward- robe into one that will make men drool over me? Velvet Pants

Vicky

Dear Vicky: If you think sexy, you will look

sexy. So you don’t have to alter the clothes you are wearing now. Just think about people eating bananas, or gerbils running in a maze. If you wish to keep your thoughts pure, the key to attracting drool is steak. Put a T- bone in your purse.

Dear Coolbreeze:

I have a policy to never date people that I work with, but I’ve been thinking of changing that policy. It’s not like I’m actually

going to start dating my co- workers, I rarely date anybody and I work for my family’s convenience store sol’m related to every- one that works there. Should I change my policy?

Dirk the Clerk

Dear Dirk: I’m against dat- ing co-workers

for three reasons.

First of all, you can’t discuss their quirky hab- its with people you work with because they won’t appreciate how funny their bathroom habits really are. Sec- ondly, they will know you’re cheating on them when you lie about having to stay late at work. I won’t tell you the third reason because of a court order that forces me not to discuss the mat- ter. Oh to hell with it, if you are going to date a co-worker, make sure they don’t talk to hand

puppets.

Dear Coolbreeze: My girlfriend

asked me to take an STD test before we had sex, but it seemed strange. There were lots of other people in the room and all of the ques- tions on the test were about math- ematics. It didn’t seem to have anything to do with STD’s. I’m worried because I got the test back and I only got a 58.1 passed it, but I want to study before taking it next time to see if T can do better.

Wayne “The pull-out-couch” Muffins

Dear Wayne: You idiot, you took an econom- ics test, not an STD test. You must have went in the wrong room or some- thing. In the future remember that an econom- ics test has math questions on it, an STD test has questions about zookeepers and requires you to pee in a cup. I should warn you that this is similar to an engineering exam, except you don’t have to be spanked by a man in a lab

coat.

Dear Coolbreeze:

I feel like I’m different. Every time I watch a movie with nudity in it, I find myself excited. If I even glimpse a nipple or a scrotum I find my heartbeat speeds up and I start to sweat. Is this reaction normal for a sixteen-year-old

~ boy? Or do I

need help? Billy Red

Slacks

Dear Billy: The human body is some- thing you should be ashamed of. The way you are reacting to na- ked bodies is unnatural, un- healthy, and has the potential to traumatize you for the rest of your life. You need help quickly. The next time you are excited by boobies, put a boiling hot teabag down your slacks and scream out, “God made us naked so we could wear nice

clothes.” GT

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