e- The Panther Prints

: March 25, 1997

There Ought to Be a Law

Dear President of the World,

After much considera- tion and thought, I truly believe that there ought to be laws, besides the ones that already exist, to cover those topics and issues not considered to be important enough on which to waste the government’s time and money. These laws would cover the day-to-day vagaries and petty annoyances of Mr and/or Ms J. Q. Public. No real punishment for breaking a law is necessary; a simple “you broke the law of so and so, or

such and such, so please apolo-

Bch suffice. For instance: There ought to be a law

- against men who, upon extri- cating themselves from a diffi- . cult relationship, promptly ‘ launch themselves and their

: baggage on’some poor, unsus- _pecting woman. Men should _be required to live alone in a | remote, primitive hut in North-

_ ‘ern Québec during the winter

until they return to their senses (at least six months), uncover what when wrong in their rela- tionship, and atone for their mistakes (we know they made some mistakes too). I would also appreciate the opportu- nity to have them pass before acommittee to judge their abil- ity to carry on a new relation- ship, but I guess that’s asking 1 too much.

There ought to be a law wherein professors must make sure that any written assign- ments donot conflict with those of another professor. Picture this: end of term, five, five-to- seven page papers in three different languages and three different writing styles, for five different professors due on the same day (and don’t forget the

“works cited” page according to the MLA format). These papers do not include those papers that were not completed onl time for the last same-day deadline for those same five

\

professors.

There ought to be a law banning horrible smells from my personal space. These smells include such offensive perfumes as Poison (definitely nota misnomer) and Glade Air Freshener (what air was the inventor breathing if he or she thought that smell was fresh

air?). In my apartment build- ing, a little old lady from the first floor sprays somuch Glade thatthe noxious odours gust up to my third-floor apartment and render me senseless.

There ought to be a law preventing students from us- ing the computers in the vari- ous campus computer labs from playing shoot-out games during the last few weeks of term. First, computers are scarce and should be available to students who have those multiple term papers to com- plete. Second, cries such as, “Where are you now?” eee and “Hit him with

the phaser beam” are disrup- tive when one is trying to com- pare the relative merits of but- lers in “Jeeves” and “Remains of the Day”, or write a ten- page essay in French on the hidden theme in “Le Temps Sauvage”.

There ought to be a law against healthy professors and students using the elevators in campus buildings to go up or down one floor. I suppose the audio-visual staff should walk up and down those very same floors with the monitors and VCR’s that have to be deliv- ered in the ten to fifteen minute delay between classes? Or what about the handicapped professors and students - should they try to walk up or down also while waiting for the rest of the campus to finish joy-riding?

There ought to be a law against manipulative ex- spouses, messy, whiny chil- ort pany’ language, mall

muzak, unnecessary violence, smelly cats, excessive home- work, rampant feminists, boor- ish chauvinists, too much rain in the summer and too little snow in the winter. I’m sure that there are other things which should require laws, but I feel that I’m starting to rant; so, I'll stop. (Perhaps there ought to be a law against me ranting, too?)

Well, President, I real- ize that my request is futile, but while writing this letter I dis- covered the answer to my di- lemma. I shall buy a Nerf Defender, only $40 on page 536 ofthe 1996 Sears Wish Book, and fully equipped with foam arrows and target. Whenever anyone breaks one of the unwritten laws, | will shootthem and cry, “you broke the law‘of such and such, so

please apologize.” I suggest you do the same. Yours very respectfully,

Beth

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