The Cadre -
23 March 1999
Kyte Spyte 5x
As it has been a rela- tively good week, and no one has gotten on my nerves (I know, I know, I can’t believe it either), | have decided to harp for this issue about my- self ( and it’s hard to wreak vengeance on myself, as I al- ways know what I have planned). I have therefore composed a list of twenty- one things I do to piss my- self off:
1. Hit the “French” button on the banking ma- chine, and then struggle to figure out how to cancel my transaction, as it won’t tell me how in English.
2. Fill my coffee cup too full in the Pit, and then put a cover on it that has a hole in the top, which, in turn, sprays up like a great coffee fountain all over me. Then I pretend I meant to do it.
3. Put a pot full of water on the stove to boil, and then forget about it while | read an Archie comic.
4. Start to pour a bath, and forget about it while | read an Archie comic.
5. Squander my stu- dent loan on Archie comics
6. Plug in my alarm clock to the outlet that’s con- trolled by a light switch, and turn off the light switch when I go to bed.
7. Print a full docu- ment, but forget to re-check it when I switch to the laser printer, and wind up with strange spaces all over the page.
8. Go to the computer lab with an essay due the next day, no print credit, and no change.
9. Tell people that | look like the chipmunk from hell in my grad pictures, and give them something else to tease me about ( um. . . wait a minute. . .).
10. Not expose the fact sooner that Brian Herrell plans to do an article about the “spite sprite,” and I al- ready know about it (nice word play on the obvious, there four-eyes)
11. Send my Dad a birthday card, and figure why Mom isn’t speaking to me when | realize I forgot to send her one on hers (mothers never forget).
12. “Accidentally” pack my sister's new walkman when | leave from home after spring break, only to discover that she’s “accidentally” unpacked three pairs of my jeans.
13. Joke with my Dad that I"m going to get a biker tattoo from the tattoo parlour across the street from my new apartment, and realize when confronted with silence that [have inadvertently revealed the fact that my new apart- ment is across from a tattoo pariour (“Let me get this straight, O daughter of mine ... you live across the street from a tattoo parlour 7”).
14. Rehearse my lines out loud (I'm a theatre minor) when walking down the street, and then discover all
with Lindsay Kyte
the cars passing by think I'm weird, so pretend I’m sing- ing.
15. Bring the wrong tape to listen to when I take my sister's walkman to the track, and spend an hour walking to Great Uncle Joe's radio interview about co-op- erative housing.
16 Conduct the walkman music with my hands when I actually do bring a suitable tape, as | stride around the track full of people who have gotten out of their cars and are walking with the weird talk- to-herself girl
17. Tell people to call me, get peeved when they don’t, and pick up the phone to discover six voice mail messages as my ringer has been turned off all day.
18. Have a “Barbra and me” concert in my room, and forget to shut my win- dow.
19. Walk all the way to the computer lab (let's not forget my forty-five minute walk), and then discover |! have cither forgotten my disks or the paper I wanted to type.
20. Carefully pack my keys in my jacket pocket in the evening so that I will have them the next day, then wear a different jacket.
21. Have a reall t week with no one setts tht riled up and malicious, and then have nothing to write about for my column.
IDEAS 17
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