Maybe he would even be offered a promotion...

But enough of this idle speculation. Everybody knows thatif men could menstruate, we would have manufac- tured a 100% effective, method of birth control long ago.

Quote:

"Opportunities are usually disguised by hard work, so most people don't recognize them." - Ann Landers

A NICK IN TIME (HUMOUR)

by Carrie Harvey ‘‘The Peak’’

From my informal and daring survey (my use of ‘*daring’’ is justified by the fact that lurking in caf- eterias and hallways, and peering at other women’s thighs and calves is a somewhat conspicuous under- taking), won, literally politically correct herds of them, appear to shave their legs with the regularity which flies against the ideology which is used as the basis for the epithets they wag in front of yuppies and _ nho-good-capitalist-doers-of-evil.

After two weeks of survey - I was waiting for the opportunity for stubble to appear for, after all, the first week of class ranks as a social event which is comparable to a wedding, and involves a proximity to strangers which is comparable to an intimate clutch - but, alas, nary a hair did I see upon the legs of most of our fellow female students.

**So, then,’’ you query (yourcuriosity peaked and your blood racing), ‘‘what really lies behind those halls of glossy, cotton-tested legs? What great shame has led women to perform this time consuming, blood-letting ritual?”’

Well, my readers, after interviewing women who shave their legs -a process which also raised a few eyebrows - it soon became apparent that this mass grooming obsession is, in many cases, accompanied by complex ideological and ethical dilemmas - and yes, alot of guilt! Yes, for many women shaving their legs goes beyond beauty aesthetics: for many women it is asubmission to capitalist patriarchal crap which we grudgingly accede to; for many women it is

a practice we perform under the hard gaze of spouses who appear to become nauseated at the sight of female body hair; and for many women, their legs have become the site for yet another externally reinforced beauty ideal which they can neither conquer nor obtain.

So, Ihave come to the conclusion that because most women shave, and thereby implicitly support that politically incorrect system all of us morally evolved and liberated people rage against, perhapsitistime — that women revision what shaving body hair means.

Now, resisting the old vision will not be an easy task, Most of us have been shaving for at least ten years, and as they say, ‘‘old habits die hard.’’ (Incidently I believe that this is the same ‘‘they’’ who tell us ‘*Hairless is Beautiful.’’ Go figure). In order to claim the shaved aesthetic as your own, I recommend that you adopt the following procedures to accompany your shaving sessions. If you follow these few simple guidelines, within about two monthslamsure that — although your body may be hairless, at least you will not feel anymore vulnerable to the patriarchal mind screw-up.

Razor selection:

1. Never use Gillette razors: they have incredibly offensive advertisements. 2. Electrical appliances are also frowned upon: they © signify a financial commitment which constitutes a resignation to the above discussed jargon. 3. And of course, disposable razors should also be avoided: itisbadenoughthatcapitalistidealsof _ beauty are supported, butto assault the environment - with tons of pinkhandles blades is simply unforgiv- — able.

Before shaving:

1. Talk to european women and men about your beauty aesthetic. Ignoretheirbewildéredand/or _ amused looks and convince them that the absence of body hair is vital to your identity and sexual self- image. | 2. Watch other homo sapiens who don’t shave their body hair but who, mysterious as it may seem to yo still look secure and comfortable with themselves. Shout ‘‘ignorance is bliss’’ at them and then run away.

3. Browse through a fashion magazine, draw hair o models’ legs, and then spend atleast five minutes cringing at the results.

UPEI X-P RESS

November 14, 1991

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