Classic Fact & Opinion, from 01/18/01

By Stephan MacLeod

FACT: The first clothes made with Teflon coating went on sale in 1996. OPINION: I’ve tried cooking an egg with my slacks, but I ended up severely burning my nut sac.

FACT: Worms feel pain. OPINION: Don’t tease your worm. They have feelings too, you know.

FACT: There are 685 drinking fountains in the Pentagon.

OPINION: I suspect I am not

drinking from fountains properly because my gums keep getting caught in the faucet.

FACT: When the Indianapolis 500 racetrack first opened, the two-and a-half-mile-long oval was paved with 3,200,000 bricks. : OPINION: Driving is a pretend sport like figure skating and bowl- ing because there are no goalies.

FACT: Scientists have developed an artificial dog used to help breed fleas for medical research. OPINION: It was necessary to develop an artificial dog to breed fleas, because when scientists tried to use Steve Tyler from Aerosmith he kept biting them.

FACT: Music by the Beach Boys was used to create a ballet called “Deuce Coupe Ballet.” OPINION: Ballet ain’t no sport unless they use the song Kokomo.

FACT: In one day, the average gar- dener can plant 200 feet of vegeta-

bles. OPINION: Planting vegetables ain’t no sport either.

FACT: Moles can dig more than 200 feet in a single day. OPINION: Moles are blind, so I don’t understand why they insist on wearing cute, little miners caps.

FACT: An armadillo can have up to 104 teeth.

OPINION: Armadillo rappers must have some pretty sweet gold fronts.

FACT: The average mosquito has 47 teeth.

OPINION: I bet they have to peel watermelons before eating them on account of their little teeth.

FACT: A human baby can grow up to three quarters of an inch in a sin- gle day.

OPINION: You can get a lot of money for a human baby in Russia.

FACT: In the United States, there are 700 pink plastic flamingos to every live one.

OPINION: I wonder why live, pink, plastic flamingos are so rare.

FACT: According to surveys, tall people make bigger starting salaries than short people unless they are fat.

OPINION: Short people don’t need as much money as tall people because they have more job oppor- tunities working in small places like mine shafts and heating ducts.

FACT: In June of 1977,. Alice Cooper’s pet boa constrictor was attacked and killed by a rat intended for the snake’s dinner.

OPINION: The _ Hedonistic Machiavellians have a pet ferret named Marty.

FACT: When the re-stickable adhe-

sive used for Post-It Notes was first created at 3M in 1973, nobody at the company could figure out how it might be used.

OPINION: I like to use Post-It Notes to keep track of all the people that will pay for teasing me about my girlish walk.

FACT: A wild goose shits up to 65% of its body weight every day. OPINION: No opinion necessary.

FACT: Careful scientific study con- cluded that, in a single year, if all of the moose droppings produced by all of the moose in Alaska were

piled one on top of another, the pile

would be 384,000 miles high. OPINION: I bet I could get some sort of grant from the government to actually try out this theory.

FACT: Every year about 60,000 people are hurt while pumping iron. OPINION: I would also advise against humping iron.

FACT: One out of every three smoke detectors has a dead battery. OPINION: I always have trouble believing that batteries can die a natural death. Someone must be killing them.

FACT: In a given year, the odds of you hitting your own finger or thumb with a hammer are | in 3,000.

OPINION: The odds of me hitting your thumb with a hammer are pret- ty high, if you mention my girlish walk again.

FACT: The U.S. Mint produces more than 20 billion coins in a year. Almost 70% of these coins are pen- nies.

OPINION: The next time someone offers you a penny for your

thoughts, ask them for a quarter, then tell them you think they got ripped off.

FACT: A man in Ohio holds the record for the most pennies ever collected. Weighing more than 24 tons, the collection totaled about 8 million coins, worth $80,000. It took a bank more than 3 months to count them all.

OPINION: He must have had real- ly big pockets on his trousers.

FACT: Every year about 3,000 peo- ple are injured while playing horse- shoes.

OPINION: The only way horse- shoes qualifies as a sport is if some sort of injury is involved. Preferably a physical one, though points should be awarded if you hurt someone’s feelings.

FACT: Most fatalities experienced by human cannonballs occur when they miss the net.

OPINION: Human cannonballs could probably qualify as athletes if had to dribble a ball while being shot out of a cannon.

FACT: In China, after a meal of fried chicken feet, diners often use the chicken toenails to pick their teeth. OPINION: At least they have | enough manners to keep their teeth “ clean. After a plate of chicken feet, # 7 you’re almost guaranteed to get a’ toe caught between your teeth. g ag &

FACT: If you see “super deer” on a menu in China, it is not venison; it’s rat meat.

OPINION: It sounds gross, but the ¢ antlers they glue to the heads of the , rats and the cute little capes they q wear makes it worth ordering at ; least once.

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