r:
The Cadre, Novemher 19, 1974. pageAS‘
\ Paranoid Pictures in. coniuction —
and here they are folks! Those oscar winning char- acters that won the hearts
iogfip.P.E.I. as they flee
f L_3§he most incredible
,p ' foaments. They are,
in order of uselessness:
l)Maid Marion, Doom of Women
'2)Robbing Jim Hoodwink,
Head of Stagnant Services
-3)Friar Tingles, a man for
all worlds!
,4)Rev.Broken Glass (our
father whoaren'tjn getawa) 5)Mushy McNutty, of the"
Mangled Media (a sub
organization) - 6)Whacked—Out Jack (Life
is a Cabaret, ol' chum!) 7)Bozd Bob—with the flair
(he wants YOU!!)
Yes readers, these charm— ing characters DO have crises to face (before they turnctail and tear out as fast as you can say "Jesus. loves me, this I know, Billy Graham told me 50!") Oh yes, they are the most lovable NUTS! As nutty as a bunch of fruitcakes! But even to those whose lives are charmed comes days when absolutely nothing goes right. So let us relate t0‘ you our little spoof entit- led: __ "Stagnant’iS'aS‘Stagnant
does" ‘
One rare day at Stagnant Services (when everyone was there) our little com— pany was plagued by head— aches. It seemed that our jolly little bunch had been making merry the night before. They were sitting around the office, their
minds muddled, when a (tum de dum de dum!) STUDENT» walked in...and they hadn't even had their coffee yet!! Oh horror of horrors, Alas alack-a—day!!! Oh, woe are we!
"Sandy...send it away," Maid Marion screeched.
(Maid Marion's voice this particular morning had the ‘tone of a Strativarius... with no strings) "We haven't had our c—c—coffee yet and Whacked Out Jack is start— ing to get a case of the
oflonhc egg unwersfly ~
0 port irderviewfrom UNB--- viero Hollander Thurs 2m."
3
dry heaves! Tell it that we're "out to lunch" for \ the day — or-or SOMETHING!! Oh my head! Yes..and after you get rid of it — MAKE
‘ SOME COFFEE!!!(gasp gasp!)
POOR Maid Marion was in a
'most agitated state of
mind. Well, needless to- say, Sandy could do naught but comply. »
The student had departed
.the scene when Sandy got
around to the formidable job of preparring the coffee. She,sighed a sigh,
.yawned a yawn, and walked
over to the shelf, where the coffee was tucked away lovingly for the night.
What was previously a rotten morning became a fiendish tale of grisly misfortune. (But Sandy would paradoxically bless that day — keep on reading!) When she complacently stro— lled to the coffee shelf she had not an INKLING that the most hallowed instit— ution of Stagnant Services had been utterly and irr— evocably VIOLATED...THE COFFEE WAS MISSING !!!
Oh yes, dear readers,
'that soothing balm that
has lulled the tired minds of gsagy bureaucrats for yeapsjafiafifiears had dik— appeared2 probably stolen by some disgruntled student who, in a fit of sheer madness, desecrated the name of ChaSe and Sandborn, Stagnant Services, and U.P.E.I. itself!!!! What deviant mind had hatched such a monstrous revenge, what madman was at that very moment at large among the poor, bucolic souls trudging to and from clas— ses, toting a hot jar of coffee? Steve McGarret where are you (and Danno) when you are so crucially needed? And Sandy, oh poor Sandy!
‘C IMN .the big_
700
E
viith _.¢hasé (and -
Her mind was in a frenzy
I of panic, her stomach tighe
tened in hard little knots of fear. How, oh how was she EVER going to break it to them??!! It would be like telling King Kong the banana pickers have gone , on;strike! It would be like telling the President of
'U.P.E.I. that his excersise
machine'had broken down! 0h.u.what to do!!!
She grabbed the edge of the desk for fortitude and flinched. Mustering every ounce of c0urage she had at that particular mom- ent, she flinched once more
"and called in an apprehen- sive tone that_Quaked with
fright, . "M—m—maid Marion...the
coffee, it's (choke) GONE!“
A silence descended upon the office. Sandy closed her eyes as she became fill-
;Ed with a dark foreboding ,of the storm that-was to
break. The dangerous quiet intensified the human agony of "cold turkey" that was to take hold of the office of Stagnant Services.
One by one they filed out to face her. Maid Mar— ion lead the way, looking as if she were going to expire that very moment.
Whacked Out Jack looked as
4»
though he was about to be run over by a U.P.E.I. Haintanenceetractor, Friar a Tingles and Rev._Broken ’ \ Glass had the distinct look of being hotly pursued by Satan, Beezlebub, and every single one of their demonic henchmen. Robbing Jim Hood—‘ wink took a few feeble steps and fainted dead away and Mushy McNutty gagged and retched violently. Bozo Bob barfed.
Sandy, viewing their mis—
-V ery knew she had to do
something and FAST! But... one by one those still standing slumped to the floor r plop...plop,plop
plop,plop...plop...and
there they all lay in a- big.pile. ' Sandy kind_of looked at them for a minute and st- arted to giggle a bit. Actually, the spectacle of
Maid Marion, Robbing Jim
Hoodwink, Friar Tingles, Rev. Broken Glass, Whacked"‘
Out Jack, Mushy McNuttyiandi” Bozo Bob in a big heap’wasd rather hystericalé‘There they all were, tongues 10- lling out of their months
1'}
..,PASSED OUT COLD! "Good
heavens", she thought, "Wouldn't the CADRE love to get a picture of this state of affairs! They'd. probably caption_it, ‘ Stagnant Services engaged
in ORGY or something scand- alously slanderous like that. The thbug‘ht’was too
much! She nearly collapsed
in gales of laughter! Then the thought occurred
to her that she could charge admission to people to come ' and See this spectacle.
Just peeple who happen to
be drifting'through Main
building. She could stick
her head out the door and whisper "Psssst—hey buddy, wanna see something funny? O.K. Gotta dollar?" -
The idea was top notch!
And when she got a fair amount she could donate it to... The Social Committee! By Jove - that was it! W More Pig 'n' Whistles, a- gr} whole Month for Winterb‘i :4 Carnival — Why if ahefg'o'tf P Venough money, there would be no end to the FUN poss— / ibilities. The only problem was..6HOW LONG WOULD THEY
. STAY PASSED OUT??? Twenty , minutes? Three hours? A day? A month? A WHOLE YEAR? The longer, the better. She didn't think anyone would particularly care or notice anyway.‘ '*
Then the real brainstorm
hit! Oh what a wonderful, glorious TOP NOTCH idea! Why...she would have them BRONZED! Yes, yes — immort— alized forever!,And after_~
, .—
, ,4 a. ' ._