OPINION: They use their ovens to bake Eskimo Pies.

FACT: June is National Accordion Awareness Month 2001. National

Accordion Awareness Month (NAAM) was established in 1989 to help spread the word about the resurgence in popu- larity in the accordion and to educate people about the accordion.

OPINION: It’s kind of-like Black History Month for white people.

FACT: The first zoo in the USA was in Philadelphia.

OPINION: In West Philadelphia, born and raised. In the zoo was

where I spent most of my days. chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’, or coolin’, or shootin’ some b-ball out- side of the zoo, when a couple of guys, they were up to no good, started mak- ing trouble in my neigh- bourhood. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said, “You’re moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air.”

FACT: The piano accordion is the offi- cial musical instrument of the city of San Francisco and has been since 1990. This year is the 11th anniversary! OPINION: The unofficial musical instrument of San Francisco is the French meat whistle.

FACT: There is no cure for the HIV infection yet.

OPINION: Some people say that laugh- ter is the best medicine, but I bet those people never heard of crab shampoo.

FACT: There has never been a single case documented in which HIV was transmitted by kissing.

OPINION: What you call kissing, I call inflating my blow up doll.

FACT: NuBody Cleavage Breast Enhancement Cream’s success rate reaches approximately 85% of the women who use it as directed. OPINION: The women who don’t use it as directed have difficulty understand- ing the instructions: “Rub this stuff on your tits.”

FACT: The word and appears 46,277 times in the Bible.

OPINION: The only reason people should read the Bible is to count how many times certain words appear. Other than that it’s useful to hold windows open, or to throw at little kids.

FACT: In the early 1950s, coonskin caps were so popular that the price paid for raccoon tails jumped from 25 cents per pound to 8 dollars per pound.

OPINION: Now, you’d have to get a store owner pretty drunk before they’d sell you a pound of racoon tails for 8 dollars. That’s why |!

grow my own.

_ FACT: When a horned toad is angry, it

squirts blood from it’s eyes. OPINION: I do the same thing when I get aroused.

FACT: The human body weighs forty times more than the brain. OPINION: Fat people have huge

brains.

FACT: 4,000 people are injured by teapots each year.

OPINION: Teapots don’t kill people. Stupid fuckers that don’t know how make tea kill people.

along with Alligator Al and Aunt Bird, left the Mr. Dress-

up show when _ Judith Lawrence, their creator and puppeteer, retired. According to Ernie Coombs, the puppets were extensions of Lawrence’s personality, so there was never any question of any- one else performing Casey and Finnegan.

OPINION: Before retiring, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation had Judith Lawrence’s hands cut off.

FACT: The ostrich has a 46-foot-long small intestine. OPINION: Wow. If that’s how long its small intestine is, it must have a huge large intestine.

FACT: The large intestine is pretty damn big. OPINION: Oh Jesus. How big are its

eggs?

FACT: I don’t know. I didn’t notice any eggs when I ran over it with my car. OPINION: Poor guy. Why’d the ostrich cross the road?

FACT: Stop it. You’re not supposed to talk to me. Just keep writing, and please try not to quote The Fresh Prince of Bel Air anymore. That was really stupid.

OPINION: That’s just your opinion. I

bet there are some losers reading this right now that thought it was clever.

FACT: The only reason you wrote it is because you’re running out of material. When you can’t think of something funny to say. You curse, tell dirty jokes, and have conversations with yourself in the middle of the column.

OPINION: Eat a bowl of dicks.

FACT: Gabriel Fahrenheit invented the mercury thermometer.

OPINION: I’ll bet that he was the type of guy who, in the middle of a snow storm, would come up to you and say, “Cold enough for you?” Then you tell him “I don’t speak English. Fuck off.” Then he says, “Where are you from?” Then you say, “I just told you I can’t speak English. How the hell do you think I can tell you where I’m from, if I can’t understand your language? Fuck off.”

FACT: Ten percent of the Russian government’s income is derived from the sale of vodka.

OPINION: Russian is not a real language. It is actually the slurred English of a bunch of alcoholics.

FACT: Toilet paper was invented in 1857.

OPINION: The National Post is the only other paper designed for arseholes.

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