THE DILITHIUM CRYSTALS CANNAE TAKE IT. CAPTAIN!

THE REFLECTORS FUGA GRAFIAM SLAPS TIRERSSIES UPSIDE THE SSULL AIND TELLS ERA VO GET A Lie.

ow many Trekkies does it take to change a light bulb? 435 —_ funky Enterprise. God help anyone in a red uniform without an ersatz -oneto do the job, the other 434tokvetchaboutwhether — Scottish accent unfortunate enough to beam down with the landing party. or not it violates the Prime Directive. These expendable crew members had the life expectancy of fur seal pups

Only the followers of that quasi-religious media icon, _in a microwave. If there wasn’t at least one dead “security” man (how Star Trek, would understand sucha lame joke(sorry,short secure would you feel if your bodyguards could not outlive a three-minute notice). Whatisit about egg?) by the first commercial

a twenty-five year old space-opera SHATNER NEVER NEEDED TO BE break, you knew it was going to

about a ship full of polyester-clad (the be one of those “brainy” epi-

women were semi-clad) zeebs that has {UMBERED WITH TALENT IN sodes.

spawned six movies, two spinoffs, and Today the old crew of the

enough commercial junk to fill a space OR ER Te AE Rez? Enterprise are now onthe down- os WwW L | G hill side of raging senility, but the

the size of the Andes Mountains? The effects of this burp of half-digested sci- ua spiel just keeps rolling along. fi pap are as far -reaching as they are geo ee OLD NERDS wHo Aside from the spin-offs, there bizarre. | have been privy to conversa- are the conventions and enough tions on the erotic potential of Spock’s HAV E ER HAD A DATE: souvenirs to make evena Klingon pointed ears and was once held captive by aroving roundtable discussion _ lose control of his otherwise iron sphincter. What’s a Doctor Who fan to of Captain Kirk as a recurring Christ figure! do in the face of such overwhelming publicity and overly inflated special

The question that needs to be asked is this: why? William Shatner’s _ effects budgets? Just take a deep breath, toss back a Scotch and Maalox, only claim to fame, indeed that of the whole crew of Star Trek, is thathe grab a copy of Omni, and lock yourself in the loo until Star Trek XXIV: The never needed to be lumbered with talent in order to be immortalized by — Search for Dependable Undergarments comes to a theatre near you. basement-dwelling thirty-year old nerds who have never hada date.

This is not to say that every- thing about Star Trek was trash, but Jesus H.M.S. Christ, some of the episodes! “The Search for Spock’s Brain”? “Attack of the Cuteand Fuzzy but Overly Horny Tribbles”? “Invasion of the Pur- ple Dongbiters from Mars”? | swear, some of the plotlines for this series were obviously writ- ten not so much for dramatic tension but to fill an hour of prime time with pseudo-science and large-breasted women with plunging necklines and micro skirts cut to the navel.

Speaking of sex, avoid the twenty-fourth century like the plague. Unless you're a girdle- wearing, toupeed captain of a star ship, the only nookie anyone is going to get is in the minds of the audience. Come on, which one of you adolescent, zit cream addicts didn’t want to “beam up” Lt. Uhura? “Captain's Log; Star Date |7: ordered new corset from ship's lingerie

Not to say there was never shop; think I've fallen in love with Scottie (again!)."

any danger on the wollopingly

September 9, 1993/X-Press/9