by J. Jones This week -- National debates, part one

You’ve gotta love a country like Canada. Second largest nation in the world, universal health care, staggering taxes, dominated by an ever-present elephant to the South. Canadians are assured by a certain blowhard that ‘“‘we produce the best hockey players in the world -- bar none!’’ Okay then, why does Lemieux, Gretzky, Lindros, Messier, and umpteen-dozen other Canadian stars play south of the border? We are also reconciled by beer commercials saying ‘‘I am’’ Canadian. (Hmm.... wasn’t that company sold to a certain European brewery? Curiouser and curiouser....) Maybe that’s why their slogan reads only ‘‘I am.”’ Canadians have always had trouble defining ourselves, and I doubt that beer commercials will aid our self-image.

I think the best (not to mention safest and easiest) way to avoid this problem is define ourselves by what we are not, namely, Americans. Oh, sure, to a passive observer Canadians are nothing but a ‘*‘northern’’ version of Americans (somehow forgetting Alaska). Or, as a Canadian stand- up comedian stated, ‘‘A Canadian is an unarmed American with health insurance.”’

What separates Canadians from Americans? A deep question indeed. My simplest answer: sports. Curling doesn’t seem to be a big draw in the USA, and Canada still can’t quite get the hang of professional bowling. Aside from sports, “‘eh-ing,’’ and a few AK-47’s, we’re similar. Of course, we are individuals-- I think of Canada and the US as an experi- ment in nature-watching: one species is larger than the other, one is faster, one is more pleasant in temperament -- but they can intermarry.

Yet, Canadians are happy, or so say the pollsters. A Gallup poll, published in the July 17 1995 issue of Maclean's, says that only 11% of Canadians are ‘‘discontent with their lives.’’ That’s third in the world, behind only those giddy Icelanders and grinning Germans -- these pollsters obvi- ously haven’t polled the province of Que- bec.

Here’s a question: if Charlottetown is called ‘‘the Cradle of Confederation,”’ would that make Quebec City the ‘‘Coffin of Canada?’’ That is, of course, assuming that Quebecers decide to withdraw from Confedration and give a kick at the inde- pendence can. By the way, has anyone

actually read the official question? No, a more important query is does anyone understand the question? After having survived twelve years of French Immersion through public school, I think I can do an adequate translation for those who need it:

Doest thou, after not not having not not decided to rethink and peruse the unofficial constitutional offer offered by ta ‘‘other country;’’ decide that it shall go to pot, and do you think that Quebec, after having rethought it options, should decide, when it fits the purpose and suits us to do so, should cut the strings ever-so-slightly from Canada, in accordance with the law that states ‘‘We shall not not not not sepa- rate or become a distinct society,’’ and if so, do you think it’s a good idea? Yes or No?

C’mon Jacques. Surely you have some confidence in your population’s

decision making process, don’t you? Otherwise, why would you bamboozle and confuse the populace so? Show the popula- tion of Canada that at least you think that the ‘‘Oui’’ side can win in the referenduin. In the event that Quebec does decide to sever ties to Ottawa, I believe PEI should hold a referendum on the same subject of separation.

Think of it... an island nation to rival those tourist destinations as Cuba and the Bahamas. We could install Anne as our head of state; require all Islanders to speak good ‘‘Ilan Inglish,’’ so that we can have our own special language; we could even put what we want to see on our two-dollar coin -- heads: Stompin’ Tom; tails: a good ol’ sack of potatoes.

This by no means exhausts the topic of Canada, Quebec, and the ‘States. I just want to edge ever-so-slightly into the (dreaded) constitutional debate that will decide this nation’s future. Until next time, UPEI, remember-- only those who remem- ber history aren’t allowed to repeat it.

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