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Money and mouse-ears. A scary new year's prediction

(Before | start off with a fresh load of bile, I'd better apologize to my loyal readers - both of you - for my absence last week. Out of the loop, | was. The following oughta make you happy)

I'd like to talk about money for a minute. | have none. That's mainly due to the amount! had to spend over the holidays, but having to drop a small fortune -- or two, or Six - - for tuition, books, rent, grad school applications and all that has hurta little. But I can still dream that | had some cash. Anyone else ever dream about having lots and lots of money? | mean so much money that you have to buy entire banks just to store it. Either that, or continue searching for more places in which to invest it, which naturally leads to accu- mulating even more mountains of cash.

Tragically, this isn't something that most of us will ever have to live with. But examples of such steamrollers of profit do exist. An obvious example is everyone's favour- ite sales machine of cuteness, the Walt Disney corporation. Having virtually cornered the market in cartoons, ol” Uncle Walt branched out into other avenues of the amusement in- dustry -- more mature-themed films (Touchstone Pictures), they bought the Muppets, built theme parks, endless streams of merchandise (that Sorcer- er’s Apprentice scene from Fantasia takes on a whole new meaning when you put it in the present context), efc. With the acquiring of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks and Anaheim Angels sports fran- chises, it looked as if Disney had stopped. But no, the corp has since bought Times Square

in New York City. Yeah, they've bought an already ex- isting landmark and Mickey- fied it: it’s clean, it’s safe, the hookers are working else- where. A once-stinky, dirty symbol of American decay is now a place for families. Not to mention a living, breathing cash register.

This purchase of Times Square is quite likely not the end of Disney's acquisition of existing areas. I’m sure Michael Eisnerand his cronies are setting their sights on other areas to convert/pervert for profit. With that in mind, I'm making the following predic- tion: the Walt Disney corpora- tion will attempt to buy Prince Edward Island sometime in 1998. And I don’t mean a sim- ple plot of land, but the entire island.

It's such a natural con- nection it’s scary, just think about it: First, this province already makes a substantial amount of money from the tourist trade, and will likely make even more with the Bridge now open. The sight of an already profitable enterprise are enough to make the folks in Anaheim interested. Sec- ondly, PEI already prides itself on being a nice, safe, clean,

uiet place to bring the entire amily - qualities which are inherent to Disney's mission, which would be one less head- ache for them to deal with after the paperwork’s been signed. Thirdly, they could add Anne and Emily to their al- ready-bursting collective of an- noyingly cute creations. I'm positive that Snow White and Minnie Mouse would love to have more sugar in the sac- charine army.

The main stumbling block to this plan is obviously our membership in the Canadian

seen by Disney as a minor hurdle. Which itis, ultimately, when you've got a wad of greenbacks. If Disney just ex- plained to the folks in Ottawa that the sale of PEI would drastically reduce - ifnot elimi- nate - the national debt, I'm sure there'd be no stopping the sale. | mean, Canada would be profiting financially, only lose a small percentage of the over- all population, and no longer have to make transfer pay- ments to the province (natu- rally, asa Disney holding we'd all become employees, which is another plus for PEI: full employment and benefits for all lslanders!). Anddon’t worry about the loss of national iden- tity in the sale - Disney already managed to get merchandis- ing rights to the RCMP, so Ottawa obviously wouldn't be too hurt to sell the Island.

Naturally there would be a downside to this situation: Disney's employer-employee relations are reputedly similar to those on slave galleons, so everyone's be forced to chuck their dignity and wear mouse- eared hats or pirate costumes daily (personally, I'd rather go pantless, a la Donald Duck...). Secondly, as PEI would be Disney's private property, the corporation would probably argue that all its population was also company y, making leaving difficult. But this would all be a moot point, given the opportunity for profit. And as ridiculous as it all is, | can see the day where Disney. Borg-like in it'sefficiency. take over the whole planet. You heard it here first. All will be assimilated, and the first wave will be here.

-Ross Williams, who will never watch Alice in Won- derland while drunk again.

The Cadre

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