Marcu 8, 2005

Ask Mr. Advice

Dearest Mr. Advice,

I have been dating a fellow, “Buck”, for a while now. He’s been pretty nice to me... taking me fora spin in his Le Baron, taking me out for Chinese food, buying me smokes... pretty much everything a caring young man would do for his sugar mamma. Deal is, I always catch Buck scoping out other women when we’re out on the town. He doesn’t try to hide it at all. Sometimes, he even asks me my opinion on the “righteous babes” he sees. I’ve had enough of this, Mr. Advice. I don’t want to break it off with Buck (he’s got a pretty cool minivan- turned-camper that we plan on making our starter home), but I don’t like the fact that he doesn’t think I’m “righteous” anymore. Advice please..:

Love, Hurtin’ Sugar Mamma

Dear Hurtin’,

When you and Buck go out driving, and he comments on a nice car going by, does his Le Baron get jealous? When you’re ata NASCAR event and you see a mullet greasier than yours, does your mullet get jealous? I don’t think so, babe. Then why is it when Buck sees a fine old lady strutting her stuff down University Ave. that you get jealous? See... it makes no sense Mamma. This “Buck” character sounds like a pretty good catch for you. If I were you, I’d stick with Buck and wait it out. If that van is as sweet as you say it is, there’s really no excuse. If you in fact don’t have a mullet (a.k.a. Mississippi mud flap, 10/90, beaver paddle, Tennessee top hat, etc.), I’m sorry. It was just an assumption.

Hope this helps!

Iam, Mr. Advice

THE CADRE © 6 |

Stop Chewing like a Sissy and Start Chawing like a Man

Jamie McGuigan Reporter

Smoking sucks. I think we can all agree on that. Nobody wants to get lung cancer, which is why many Islanders chew tobacco. As if lip and stomach cancer, as well as the gum disease known as gingivitis weren’t incentive enough to throw a huge gagger in your mouth, Skoal tobacco will be introducing a new flavour a chewing tobacco in Canada later this month, Apple Blend.

Skoal chewing tobacco’s current flavour list reads like a manly produce section at your local grocery mart. These extremely masculine flavours include Spearmint, Regular Mint, Classic (Just like your Grand- daddy chewed), Vanilla, Berry Blend, and Straight (For the manly man). As if those robust, moist flavours don’t get your jaw watering, Skoal is about to drop a disease causing nuclear bomb right into your lip, with the totally awesome and in-your-face flavour of Apple Blend. Hooray!!!!

As sweet as that sounds, you can’t just start plugging away with that chaw yet junior. Here are some professional tips to help you enhance your “dips” of chew beyond the nicotine, not only for yourself but for those around you:

Step 1: Pre-Packing the Dip.

-Sure, you know you chew, but how is the rest of the world going to know how totally rad you are. Take that tin out of your pocket, hold it above your head, make sure there are girls nearby and snap your index finger against the tin. This works best in a quiet space, like

the library, or the middle of that chemistry exam. Now everyone wants to be your friend!

Step 2: Inserting the Dip. -The slogan says always there in a pinch, but you need a fistful. You want your lip to be bulging with chewing tobacco, in case anyone missed the great show you put on taking the tin out of your pocket. Try throwing the chew in your upper lip, so people know you aren’t messing around.

Step 3: During the Dip. -

-Everyone wants to hear and see you chewing tobacco, so spit loudly and in a clear bottle. Anyone who gives you a dirty look is just jealous they didn’t think of throwing that chaw in first. The clear bottle also gives you the ability to see how much spit you’ve gone through in your chew. Why would you want to do this? Well it’s pretty obvious, the more spit, the bigger the penis.

Step 4: Finishing your Dip

- When you're done your chew make sure you don’t dispose of your bottle. That’s rookie mistake #74. Your full bottle of spit and tobacco is a trophy the whole world wants to admire. What you want to do is leave the ridiculously full bottle of spit lying around ina place where it can be easily knocked over. People really appreciate this; it is like a good natured April Fools Day joke every day of the year.

Now you're ready for the big time, good luck kiddo!