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Psycholul

Hello hee hee

ha! ‘

Welcome once again to this, the latest issue of Psycho.

I’m Dr. Skitz (Schiz) here to entertain you in this fun-ﬁlled, actioned-packed column. A lot of psycho babble, huh?

Let’s get straight . into the rubber room, haha. .

_ As I recall, we were having an intelligent conversation about tho tho (sign) those little‘ Arabian skunks and their serving-tray tails.

Now I will tell you how they got on the 5‘3 piece.

Did you know they started out with no sense,- got into a ﬁght, and when the dust cleared, had more cents than they had when they started or was it when they ended?

Does this make sense?

- Anyways, ha ha this is how it went. '

Chip and Dip (catchy, huh?) were sitting on the bank of a river arguing about how to build a house. They worked themselves up so much that they both went skitzoid.

The other lit lit little monsters knew that this would be a knock-down, drag—out fight because the other two were wearing the latest in running shoes, rubber, of course.

So they gathered with intense interest as the two somersaulted

Hi! Ha

around.

Out of nowhere came Chinese music! The next thing the gathered beavers knew, the two opponents were in erect, weird positions.

One of the spectators knew what was going on and whispered into a neighbour’s ear, who in turn whispered into another ear until the whole group knew there was. going to be a Chinese kung-fu fight.

As a bush came over the group, bug-eyed in anticipation of an exceilent skirmish, the two competitors met in the centre of the dirt ring.

Both of them bowed low, and Plunk — their heads collided.

Dazed, the ﬁghters stumbled back onto the ground. The roaring laughter was so loud that it would have raised any ceiling it went through the gathering like spasmic shock waves.

It was at this time that Dip noticed a shiny metal object. in the dirt (I was the one who lost the coin).

He picked it up and started ﬂipping it up in the air, catching, it, then slapping it on his wrist (it being a two-headed coin).

Chip, shaking the last of his daziness out of his head, got up and came over to see what Dip was doing.

Apparently Dip was trying to figure out who was going to

throw the first drop kick.

Chip: “You‘re barking up the wrong tree, whittle head. "

Dip: “Got any better ideas, knock on wood?”

Chip: “Why don’t you use your head?” ' » Dip: “Why don’t you use your tail?” ' '

Chip was going to wack Dip across theside of the head when he stopped in mid-motion and smiled. “Hey, why’don’t we put my portrait on the coin to settle the confusion?” :

“Ya, that would be a great '

idea pause why you portrait and not mine?" won- dered Dp.

“Because I‘m the most hand- - some furry creature among the lot ofyouse ..."

“not anymore ...!”

After the brawl, Chip ended up with two white eyes (they’re the worst), a split tail, messed‘ up fur, and no running shoes.

To this day, it has been a Canadian tradition to have a nickel on a beaver.

I mean, a beaver on a nickel. Hey! I didn‘t have a ﬁt when I mentioned the the oh no, . i + x = TI§@ — those little monsters. Dam (beaver dam.)

Next week (chill) I’ll talk about why they have webbed hands and what those hands do when you’re not looking.

The terrible travails

of

ella Belli and Clyde

by Nils Connor

()nce long ago, in the deep dark forests just outside of the Stinking Swamp, there were two adventurers. One, a warrior of immense physi- cal prowess, if little fortitude of character; the other a sage of dubious calibre. Their names were, respectively, Yella Belli , and Clyde.

One day, the objects of our ridicule set forth on a fruit- less and frustrating enter- prise, the details of [which bear little concern for any right-thinking person.

That, however excludes this chronicler.

I commence my tale with Yella and Clyde‘ deep be-. neath the earth in a sub- terranean setting, just the type of setting one might expect to ﬁnd deep beneath the earth. They ﬁnd them- selves in a room of hewn stone, running in a north- south direction, forty feet by twenty feet.

‘Look for secret passages.’ directed Clyde, valiantly, but unsucessfully trying to con- trol the quaver in his_ whiny, adenoid inﬂected voice.

,‘Alone?’ asked Yella.

'l‘W-w-w-well I h-h-have to make certain that n—n-no orcs surprise us while we plunder this delightful sub— terranean setting deep be- nearth the earth,’ said Clyde,

no longer trying to hide his fear.

Just then, what should stroll into the room of hewn stone, running in a north- south direction forty feet by twenty feet, but a patrol of fierce looking orcs, formly clad in tight, pink satin body suits with pro— fusions of rhinestones and sequins.

‘Eek 000 Help! Help! Help!’ both Clyde and Yella tried to scream, yet due to intense fear only produced small hissing noises.

‘Krashassak gargle arrg!’ bellowed the leader of the orcs, a big mean looking fellow with a large blonde afro and flowing silk cape.

‘Y-y-yes, m-m-my good f-fellow?’ said Clyde.

‘Balalalaaaarg!’ stated the orc with the large blond afro succinctly as he motioned for the two hapless adventures to hand over their valuables.

- ‘Never In A Million Years!’ exclaimed i Yella Belli in disgust, mistaking the ges- tures and forming a stereo- type due to the clothing of the orcs.

With that, he (Yella Belli) leaped forth, drawing his great two-handed broad- sword, and executed a mighty swing as well as a fairly large orc.

uni— -

Meanwhile, Clyde was attempting to recall. the necessary components for a Spell of Immense Confla- gration.

‘Oh my god! Help! Help for pity’s" sake! 'Help!’ screamed Yella as he faced the remaing orcs, uniformly clad in tight, pink satin body suits with profusions of rhinestones and sequins (assuredly a sight to strike fear in the hearts of even the bravest).

‘Aha,’ said 'Clyde hold on a moment.’

‘Oh my God. Help. Help for pity’s sake. Help.’ replied

‘just

Yella routinely. ‘Tahdah I ’ exclaimed Clyde, casting what he

thought to be a Spell of Immense Conﬂagration. Suddenly, due to the ef- forts of a certain wizard, by the name of Clyde, amidst the group of orcs there came into being a ferocious puppy of at least six weeks age. The orcs, who weren’t~ <3 _\ bright, were none the less awed and ran headlong out of the room

.of hewn stone running in a

north-south direction forty feet by twenty feet. One ore of the braver sort. misteer the courage to pause momentarily to tweek Yella’s buttocks.

(To be continued)

April 5, 1984

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