FACT: According to an old wive’s tale, if you have eyebrows that con- nect in the middle, you will be rich.

OPINION: Tf F-were rich, I’d get a curse word shaved into aie big eye- brow.

FACT: Shortly after the invention of the X-ray machine, con artists began selling X-ray-proof under- wear.

OPINION: It takes a lot more than X-ray-proof underwear to keep people from staring at my package.

FACT: In 1966 pickle packers pre- sented a giant 12-foot statue of a pickle nicknamed “Picklecasso” to the city of Chicago.

OPINION: A year later, a drunken Picasso presented his pickle to the city of Pictou while yelling, “Say hello to my little friend!”

FACT: In 1946, the first slinky was produced. Only 400 were made and sold out in one and a half hours at a department store in New York City.

OPINION: If people were that impressed with something stupid that can walk down stairs, they’d love my cousin, Rudy.

FACT: About 100 people die every year when their vehicles collide with animals.

OPINION: | once ran into a moose’s rear end. It wasn’t until then that I realized why that beer company is called Moosehead and not Big Ugly Ass of Moose.

FACT: In 1936, a car crashed in ‘Connecticut when the driver dis- covered a mouse on his steering wheel.

OPINION: | drive with my cat in

the car to avoid any problems with mice, but that doesn’t solve my snake problem.

FACT: called Blibber Blubber, was a fail- ure because it stuck to the skin.

OPINION: It also failed because it was made out of whale fat.

FACT: During the National Convention of the Democratic Party in 1924, the chairman’s gavel came apart as he was using it to signal for order. The head of the gavel struck a delegate on the head and knocked him unconscious.

OPINION: At the Republican Convention, they just fire a shot- gun in the air three times for order.

FACT: A shop called Deja Vu in Troy, New York was robbed twice by the same man.

OPINION: A shop called Deja Vu in Troy, New York was robbed twice by the same man.

FACT: In 1993, a burglar at a glue

factory in Brazil was caught after he got stuck to the floor.

OPINION: The same thing hap- pened to that guy who tried to rob a porno theater.

FACT: In 1965, two men in Cleveland ended up firing hand- guns at each other during an argu- ment over an unpaid bill. One of the bullets from one gun traveled directly inside the barrel of the other gun, and the bullets fused together.

OPINION: That’s just stupid. I would have aimed for the other guy’s gonads before trying a tricky shot like that.

The first bubble gum, —

FACT: Contented cows give more ~ milk. :

OPINION: If I was a cow, the only way I would be content is if people stopped grabbing at my tits.

FACT: In a herd, some cows are more popular than others.

OPINION: Cows Ice Cream is popular because they found a way to sell people frozen cow sweat on a cone at the low, low price of five bucks.

FACT: Some cows dunk their hay in water before eating it.

OPINION: Others just rub it in their own filth, like at Cows Ice Cream, home of the fifty oe milk shake.

FACT: On a British golf course in 1995, a golf ball hit off a tree, struck a sheep in the rear end and stuck.

OPINION: If I was

a sheep, I’d rather have a golf ball

stuck in my arse than a member of the Royal Family.

Austria was killed when a bolt of lightning struck the reinforcing wire in her bra. :

OPINION: Just to be safe, I think women should stop wearing under- garments and overgarments. -

FACT: 7.5 million toothpicks can be made from one cord of wood.

OPINION: If I got wooden teeth,

would I need to use a tooth pick

made out of real teeth?

FACT: Modern lumbering can cut and strip a tree in less than a

~ minute.

OPINION: You’d be surprised how many squirrels lose their limbs thanks to modern ne:

FACT: At aes one Fieptint has been.trained to water-ski.

OPINION: Most elephants are too modest to wear wet suits.

FACT: An elephant can sneeze with enough force to knock a-dog unconscious.

OPINION: When an elephant farts, nobody is safe.

FACT: Four-wheel-drive vehicles

are gradually replacing camels for z Rtarsporaiamige he desert.

OPINION: A vehicle may get you from point A to point B, but a camel is the only form of trans- portation you can cuddle.

FACT: In Egypt, camels have been taught to clean windows by licking them.

OPINION: I once tried to clean my windows by downing a bottle

___ of windex and licking the. glass, but - my tongue got cut becatise I forgot : FACT: In 1995, a woman in. #

to remove the Screen. ©

FACT: The cost of funerals is increasing faster than the rate ie tion

OPINION: Inflation? No wonder funerals are so expensive, with the

nip gost of balloons and all.

| FACT: : They now make oeecee pic Coffins diss OPINION: I don’t want no

biodegradable coffin. When I die, | plan on doing as much damage to this planet as I can. It won’t be my problem anymore.