The POISOII Potato ‘

Flash ‘— This university does notexist!

by Useless Hash

A recent study has shown that UPEI is a ﬁgment of P.E.I. Premier Jim Lee’s imagination.

“University? Oh, that hasn’t existed for some time now,” Lee allegedly told a panel of psychologists pass— ing through the province in a nation-wide study on the harmful side effects of living.

He continued, “I thought it would be fun to make believe, and it’s been a riot!”

Apparently the institution ‘

died in the late 1970’s but noone noticed - except the Premier. In a bid to quiet the community and attract con- struction dollars from the Atlantic Veterinary College to the Island, he decided not to tell anyone of his dis- covery.

The psychologists examin-

ing Lee said they had never before seen such a clear cut example of mass hypnotism.

Spokesperson Dr. I.N. Seyne told Poison Potato reporters that Lee had worked out an elaborate sys- tem wherein he appeared to the public totally ignorant of the existence of the erst— while lsland university.

In truth, he was working undercover to mesmerize key ﬁgureheads of higher educa- tion into belieying in his own fantasy. Targest included Education Minister Bleone Lagnall, UPEI President Dieter Monkey, Student Union President Ditch Morse], and top officials of the MPHEC (Maritime Pro- vinces Hilarious Education Commission.)

From there, the illusion trickled down until everyone

I Pres-elect buys in post-election

By Useless Hash “MSLJ‘ﬂgsident-Elect Gordon

Cobbsnitch 'Gva‘s“r"‘ecé11‘tT§“5“pt‘*“ch‘t‘Witﬁ‘é”hdﬁﬁdéa “farmeomnnr' tummy “tineyéo'm:

proached by an individual .identifying himself only as Sebornio Sonovabitch.

Nothing unusual?

But Cobbsnitch was shocked to, discover that the gravelly-voiced stranger was offering him a’good deal on a fully—operational atomic bomb. {

At first the new student politician found the idea “atrocipus”.

However, after much en- lightened thought and dis- cussion, Cobbsnitch said, “What the hell?” and bought it. '

Sources say Cobbsnitch was a feélingf that the Student Union “didn’t get no respect” from its follwers. . V

CObbsnitch now considers this extremely nifty device to be the perfect bargaining tool.

' “Anythingyou want, from a spdrts complex to ' lower, tuition fees -— no problems,” he said Tuesday.

. Some of Cobbsnitch’s sup- porters at first felt uneasy' about the purchase’s‘ 'popu': Iarity with student groups on campus who mayxthink it' "‘a bad thing to have around”, though the alleged purpose is

' only as a security measure.

“This is like people getting upset over industrialized na- tionsmilking the hell out of third-world countries until there’s nothing left in them,” Cobbsnitch vowed.

The new theme of next year’s Council, according to its leader, ‘will be “The Atomic your Frien ”.

ma:IhlﬁtwﬁaaalngkSXlEsﬂEIW-uw

s Q r. starra 13:11 a! 4,1,!!w’mymxﬂa Mr .-

Cobbsnitch’s campaign. He encourages the average stu-

the employment of the bomb to walk through his open door and talk to him about it.

The bomb itself is re— portedly a compact model. Its designers, two local high school students, claim that it can ﬁt conveniently into a closet or car trunk.

Son‘ovabitch, who ob- tained the device with the intention of selling it to

Libya, Iran, or even Chile if they wanted it, had to re-

in the region believed that there actually was two post- secondary education—dispens- ing organizations on the Island.

“Let’s get serious here — why do we need a university when we have Holiday Col- lege?” said an unrepentant Lee.

“And its grads get jobs, and facilitate the proper pro- pagation of our chronically unstable economy,” he ended with a shrug.

Following the announce— ment, the UPEI Senate held an emergency meeting. After two hours of debate, the body decided it had quorum and could start the meeting.

Faculty Association rep Sebastain Blather emerged from the conference room three days later to announce that, having come to the con-

bomb

metre

consider. “When one must leave the

pletely, one must see the stache in a hurry,” said the mysterious Sebornic. President-elect Cobbsnitch welcomes the student body to a pulbic viewing of his newest acquisition Friday at the Barn. g The bomb itself will be carried around Panther Lounge during the movie pub on a trollely, but Cobbsnitch things there is relatively little chance of a premature detonation.

clusion that the University Act was a hoax and that Senate thus had no power to do anything (a possible ex- planation for its past pro- blems), a team of paramedics was needed to surgically re- move the ex-Senators from their chairs.

At press time, all pro- fessors at UPEI were at home updating resumes, though a number had been offered

jobs washing cows at the new Vet College (which does or will exist).

The only ones still in the dark were the students, who came to class as usual and noticed nothing amiss.

“What do you mean, the place doesn’t exist?" said one sitting in the Library Lounge.

“I thought they’d seen the snow and just cancelled classes without warning

again.”

Another was more matter- of—fact. ‘

"I don’t care, I’m not a student. I just come here for the coffee,” she said cheertly.

Until the case is cleared up or provincial funding (which Lee says is also imaginary) gives out, the Registrar’s office will continue to tare applications for the fall term.

“Kill a War Criminal” Week

announced

by Useless ﬂash This April marks the 40th

. Anniversary of the liberation

of Auchwitz Bergen-Belsen and other German concen- tration camps. Behind the gates of these monuments to human atrocity, millions of innocent people were quidated.

But surprisingly enough. hundreds of the perpetrators of these inhuman acts still remain at large and have yet to be brought to trial.

Therefore, the Simon

u— .

LOCAL BUSINESSES

THAT HAVE LENT THEIR SUPPORT TO THE PRO?

JECT INCLUDE: SOLO’S DELI

SOLO’S BAR AND GRILL

SOL’S DRY CLEANERS SO' ’9 CATERERS

.Wiesenthallnstitute... in..c.o-. .. . . . .

operation with the Young Jewish Defenders League, presents “Kill a War Crimi- nal Week.”

“Actually, this is a late at- tempt to get animals like that scum Mengele. He not only murdered millions of inno- cent Jews and performed hideous experiments on our bodies, he also wore really tacky suits,” said spokesman Yessie Robinvitch.

“If I told him once, I told him twice; Josef, You «don’t

wear Paisely 'with Wylieed”, .

said Robinvitch.

The Institute is offering generous awards for people who offer information lead- ing to the location and extra- dition of any suspected war

. , criminal on their current list.

“And for God’s sake, don’t let your children wear paisley”.

SOL’S SMUT SHOP

SOL’S BAGEL EMPORIUM

AND MANY MANY MORE DONATIONS for the pro-

ject can be forwarded to r.

branch of Sol’s National

Bank nearest you.

Depressed? Sick and tired, of this world? TheytryourZSpudicide pill. Made of 100% potato cyanide pulp and package in 10 mg

tablets.

Or try our Minute—Made potato juice. One minute you’re here, and the next you‘ve got it Made. The juice is squeezed daily from freshly poisoned potatoes and is bottled right here on

the Island.

Or when you’re in a crunch; try our Spudicide potato chip. Delicious for that last bite.

:, ,Wefalso carry agiinideﬁnge of records to put you into the Spudicide‘ state. Some of the hits

include: Eye of the Spud, For Your Eyes Only, Spud Busters, Bud the Spud.

For your free pamphlet, writezl Jonathan Orlowski Enterprises, c/o (but not affiliated with) The .Poison Potato, UPEI, Charlotte-

town, P.E.I.

Please allow four to six weeks for delivery.

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