UPEI

The M.A.P.U.S. Connection

For Mature and Part-time Students

By JANICE MUIR

What’s ahead for Mapus? This year promises to be even busier as members begin plan- ning for the future. The UPEI Winter Carnival is scheduled for February 8-13 and some mature and part-time students are eager to take part. How about it? If snow sculpturing is not your specialty, what about enteri ng the winter carnival trivia contest? If you have any sug- gestions, we would love to hear them in the Mapus Lounge (Robertson Library 06).

A new schedule will be posted in the lounge shortly, outlining the meeting dates for executive meetings. This is when Mapus representatives take time to plan future events and address the concerns of mature and part-time students on campus. There are also a number of information pam- phiets and brochures that may be of interest to you. Please drop by when you get a chance.

The quote this week comes from Benjamin Franklin, who says that “an investment in knowledge always pays the best interest”

And the laugh-a-lot site, once again, is responsible for providing us with the following ‘Preparation for Parenthood” tips. The original source is un- known. Hope you enjoy it!

Preparation for parent- hood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother or father.

Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a bean bag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for pa- ternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your ae

aid directly to their head of- ie. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

Before you nally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents

and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low toler- ance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall be- haviour. Enjoy it — it’s the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10 pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again with the bag, until lam. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t go back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3 am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for Sam. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter on the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds, then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. There, how does that look?

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

Take an egg carton. Us- ing a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christ- mas tree. Last, take a milk con- tainer, a ping pong ball, and an — packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congragulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group com- mittee.

Forget the Miata and b the minivan. And don’t think you can leave it in the driveway poss and shining. Family cars

on’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family size bag of choco- late cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out . Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the Sele aa Walk back up it again. Walk down it again.

alk very slowly down the road for five minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead in- sect along the way. Retrace out steps. Scream that you’ve ad as much as you can stand until all of the neighbours come out an stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. rsp i repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s grocer- ies without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for every- thing the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Hollow out amelon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Fruit Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretendin; to be an airplane. Caines unti half of the Fruit Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, mak- ing sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. Now you are ready to feed a 12 hell old child.

Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, and Power Rangers. When you find yourself sing- ing, “I love you, you love me” at work, now you finally qualify as a parent!

The Mapus column is dedicated to Peceaceing the sug- gestions and ideas of mature and part-time students. You can contact

Janice Muir at (902) 853- 4 0 = .4 fee 0-* T

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26 January 1999

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