film Poetic Justice because it didn’t

_ have any bluegills choking fishermen, but Boyz N the Hood was good because it had boys in the hood.

FACT: Fingernails grow at a rate of 1.5 “inches a year.

OPINION: I wish my fingers would

grow at the same rate, so I wouldn’t

have to cut my nails, or wear gloves.

FACT: Kidney disease can strike any- one at any age.

OPINION: Kidneys are known as “the terrorist organs.”

FACT: Some priests in Australia advise you to say “Happy Christmas’, not “Merry Christmas”, because Merry has connotations of getting drunk. OPINION: Australians can find conno- tations of getting drunk in almost every word. If you told an Australian to go fuck a kangaroo, he’d think you were offering him a beer.

FACT: The longest adver- tisement on British televi- sion was a 7 minute and 10

second slot on Good Morning Britain on January 20, 1985.

OPINION: A_ seven-minute tea break must have been exciting for the Queen Mum while the commercial was on the telly, but not nearly as exciting as her seven- minute pee break.

FACT: Bats are not blind. They are also not rodents.

OPINION: Well that ruins two of my favourite sayings: “Blind as a bat.” and “Hey look, that fucking bat is a rodent.”

FACT: Gorillas can live more than 50 years.

OPINION: They’d live even longer if

they weren’t so delicious.

FACT: A man needs sufficient levels of testosterone in order to have the desire, feel aroused, and to get an erection. OPINION: Muff always helps too. A whole lot of muff.

FACT: According to’ Masters and Johnson, at least 25 to 30 percent of people in their 60s have sexual inter- course at least weekly.

OPINION: There’s nothing wrong with old people having sex as long as they are both fully clothed.

FACT: Breastfed children also benefit from enhanced visual, motor, and oral development.

OPINION: This particular type of enhanced visual, motor, and oral devel- opment is only useful to them if they pursue a career where they are required to suck.

FACT: The _ Library of Congress contains 327 miles of book shelves. OPINION: Insert joke about book shelves here. _

FACT: Human eyesight peaks when people are in their 20s.

OPINION: Carrots are supposed to improve your eyesight, but not if you get one jammed in your eye socket.

FACT: According to scientific research, the average Peeping Tom is 23.8 years old. G

OPINION: If a guy watches a girl get- ting dressed through a window, he’s a

Peeping Tom. But if someone watches

the guy watching a girl getting dressed,

it’s called “scientific research.”

FACT: About 1,000 people are killed every year by falling objects. OPINION: Gravity sucks. Just think: if we didn’t have gravity, we would weigh a lot less, birds would stop shitting on our cars and there would be no more jugglers.

FACT: The average number of cats in U.S. households

is 2.2. OPINION: The average number of dawgs in Snoop Doggy Dogg’s house is nine trizay.

FACT: Every year, parents attack about 100 referees during youth sports events. OPINION: When will parents learn that attacking the ref won’t help their chil- dren win the game? They should injure the other team’s goalie instead.

FACT: About 5,000 trees are cut down every year to make bats for major league baseball.

OPINION: You don’t want to know how many elephants lose their testicles in the ball making process.

FACT: Use only water-based lubricants when having protected sex. Oil-based lubricants such as petroleum jelly should never be used because they may weaken the condom and cause it to break.

OPINION: Do not use glue.

FACT: Swimming pools in Phoenix, Arizona pick up 20 pounds of dust a year.

OPINION: Licking the dust off a swim- ming pool is one way to get a girl’s attention, but Mom insists that’s not how she met Dad.

FACT: Because of Animal Crackers, many kids until they reach the age of ten, believe the bear is as tall as a giraffe.

OPINION: Because of Mr. Dressup, I spent most of my childhood thinking dogs lived in tree houses.

FACT: In 1982, a man in southern California successfully flew up to 16,000 feet in the air in a lawn chair attached to balloons filled with helium. OPINION: I can't think of a better way to spend an afternoon than relaxing in a lawn chair and catching fresh pigeons the old fashioned way.

P|

FACT: Silly Putty was first called Gooey Gup. OPINION: There’s nothing silly about putty. Except when it bounces. That’s pretty silly.

FACT: A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 min- utes.

OPINION: Miss Piggy gets jiggy for half an hour? No wonder Kermit gets nervous when Piggy is horny.

FACT: You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poison- ous spider.

OPINION: I keep my champagne bot- tles sealed with poisonous spiders to be on the safe side.

FACT: The doorbell was invented in 1831.

OPINION: Knock Knock! Who’s there? The guy who invented the door- bell. The guy who invented the doorbell who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

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