FEATURE:

by Paul Michaud-Nolan

The school year is still young but you already facing the financial pressures, ial anxieties, scholarly difficulties, and tiple paralysing hangovers of university ing. Will things get better? Certainly with poverty, low grades, and a perverse of political correctness appearing on ur academic horizon. But hope is not lost t. All you need to do is trust this com- entary. With a little luck, these words will Ip steer you up that seemingly impossible b to the impregnable heights of gradua- yn. Or at least inspire you to learn to write bur name.

So let us begin with the most essen- al of survival strategies -- knowing how to lieve stress. We have all seen those irritating ody Break sermons on TV and conse- ently know the importance of physical tivity for stress management. Physical ertion requires a sporting facility, and as ck would have it, our campus boasts one the finest among Canadian universities. The centre has many features but my avourite is the indoor running track. Sure, ome of you may be deterred, thinking those prey-haired geriatric walkers are annoying barriers to a fulfilling workout. But in fact, hey are members of a walking club and

alley Convention. So work with them ynergistically and improve the intensity of our workout. The taller members could be iewed as pylons, not obstacles; while the shorter members can be jumped, just like urdles. The Sports Centre also possesses an elaborate weight room. Two new nautilus achines have just recently been purchased, but more importantly, every wall is plas- ered with mirrors. The importance of these eflective surfaces should not be dismissed. Just ask any male student who is a Corvette- owner-wannabe, or any female who is convinced she should be featured on Fash- ion Television. Both types are easy enough to spot.

have as much right to be there as at.a Nature

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THE ART OF CAMPUS SURVIVAL |

Interestingly enough, psychology majors have also noted that the weight room is a great place to study Freudian theories.

But if you think sweating ranks down there with writing assignments and cafeteria food, the Barn is offering an excellent stress-management program tailored to you. Tone your biceps six nights every week with a new fad called ‘‘pitcher curls’’. The program also offers a liver-regenerating workout at no extra cost.

The "I Want Lung Cancer" Society will not be having its daily meetings in the Pit this year.

Those exercises, unfortunately, are not guaranteed to improve your body condition, but they will help you forget your problems. And probably your name, too. This is especially comforting to those of you being stalked and molested by a collection agency.

In the interest of good taste, 1 am

- obliged to warn you that those types of activities do have hazards. For instance, new students must not confuse the school Barn with the AVC teaching barn. The last student to do so had a strangely erect stride and an irrational fear of sleeved latex gloves. Go figure.

My final strategy for stress reduction is only be achieved to my female peers. So if you are a women and you feel depressed, sad, hopeless, or just plain stressed out,

ere is someone at the Woman’s Centre who is willing to listen and provide support.

Male students out there experiencing the same emotions should probably grin and bear it (or see previous section concerning corvette-owner-wannabes). You are men after all. And men must accept a young death, affirmative-action, and the stigmas of previous generations.

This is not to mention the wrath of women should you be foolish enough to perform the most disgusting of testosterone- induced behaviours. Yes, you men with girlfriends and female roommates know what I am talking about. Wise men heed these words: not even scratching yourself in public ranks up there with leaving the toilet seat up on the female list of the unforgiv- able.

Another weapon every student needs to survive on campus is how to save money. h ternational students have a discovered an ing. nious method of curbing medical expenses. They obtain medical attention at the AVC Animal Hospital simply by varking loudly and scratching often. They have also told me that peeing on the floor

ensures a quick examination. Another cash-saving idea is to

purchase your text books with your student ID card. (For those of you still unaware of the bookstore’s existence, it is where all those UPEI clothes, caps, pens, backpacks, etc, are sold. Books are somewhere in the back.) Using your ID card instead of cash has many advantages. For instance, you can discover the joy of not receiving your grades, or uncover the ecstasy of graduating with a ruined credit rating. Finally, let us not forget the unique delight of a collection agency towing away your Car.

Losing your vehicle could be a blessing in disguise, in fact, since you should get reimbursed for that imbecilic parking fee. The fifty-eight dollars is worth as much as most cars we students park on campus anyway. Hats off to the board of

governors for that decision. We students need a greater financial burden to prepare us for the ordeals of the ‘‘real world’.

As a final announcement, the ‘‘I Want Lung Cancer’ Society will not be having its daily meetings in the Pit this year. Students should be warned that the popular smoked flavour so characteristic of the food served at the Pit’s canteen will no longer be available. On a more positive note, mem- bers of the Play-it-loud Walkman Club will still be blasting their music in the library this year for your listening pleasure.

So there you have it, some of the things that may improve your sojourn on our beloved campus. But remember, if you learn to truly relish driving through whiteouts, teach yourself to despise down- hill skiing, and did not really want to go to Dalhousie, then UPEI will suit you just fine.

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September 26, 1995