if

E

I

i

l

.

`\

-Verdlnt. f

Old hand (to new~t~ickot.ael.l9;- at

state lair): “Ever -been.on~.t,1`i_¢»w|¢|¢°; ts The

be£ore~lnacri.ish?" - » .

you _ "N_ope`." ‘ goo it on. _i"2‘§u`zh-t not," _

_ . .. ._ u

“Y hy.a_o? ' , '

gn-_§'_‘:vl;_Y_° _°hl-1,180 3l_U»<a.ndit/loket_Q “What is uie_ai;f 1-' ‘

‘Hundreds of ;d01ls`§;?°;iy boy. No _

one ever pssscsvlnmn go;-gat. pig

1-_- l (

Naminil the Quint. _ “We've named Our' moi-or fboa/l; True Love!"

"What's the i‘dea'l"

~ -rwsfs PM-. .e »

A _‘

the visitor deed." He

the room.

he went on. the melancholy

"°"» '°'°' tickets." " . ' up crane." by

Ople Read frowned. "Crepe," he

said. "Where do you see, any, ci-a e‘I"

P

"(H:r ,ther_e,” said the vlsiton

- l

.P°._1_n fl

` 'l ' "Never ruins mnoorthll <1 i_' _ cm.'p°.b° d‘".‘n9d’" fam R°°‘d‘

‘ Ah PTho'__VVtly of lt.

_e :.f' a, w a v‘ th _

i=°nui».'rf'=, ga ° W” e dy' “°f~=° s M

plrfloiai Attempt.

_ _ ‘fl see Englishxnen are resuilflnffthe habit of we'arlng"wln‘|.

itei-».»,,., ; ‘ _

Cyrlléusz ,,“Y_e_|- A- superticial al-

fg_yl_ys the ancient virility

'i _ It 'ler'i’t _His Fault.

' tml)-Iov%l:_l{_:__f‘)Z_`.dis_on says that we sleep

1>'g¥$gi,ll`° "‘yv_eil, it isnt his fault; he

£?a tPd enough things to keep

>_ sig

Plgreoe. Crawford: " t',yo'u don't believe in

medicine. Why don't you try the iaith c\lre?"_ ' _

Cro-blliawz “My boy, I find that

even' harder to swallow."

- The Love Cure.

"Her -parents ,sent her to Europe

in the hupdrthl-`l. she would get over her ,infatuation for young Flubdub." -"An=e_alle_r way would be for them to let berlilsrry him."

.,..

__ Woraojfhan That. ’ You lntrlmate that he robs Peter

to__pay _I-‘au~l?"_ _

Deer men. in worse -than ami

He robs Peter to -pay Pauline."

AFTER HDI. _

Iym (as lie oders it chair)-Oh, af-

ter you, Mr. Siowlelgii.

concert) :

_ _ shall hear more of

over. one of to his wife

his

'replied her hun quarter." ~

,__...._ .

Neeeenriiy Healthy.

"Yea" said Mfr. Bllggins, 'imy wife,

had hay-fever as usual ths year, and my dnughtor had brain-tug from overstudy, and my son had insomnia." ‘

"And wsBn’t there anything the

matter with you?"

“No. Theirs isn't any ailment that

you can cure .by going down-town every day and workingon the books."

_ Squire! "Well, John. how did you

enjoy the conoertllast night? Weren't

» “Ju” 9,. 3.,,,._ the quartets goo`d?" ` _

. .rii.="w.ii. , i,<i<i

K“l°\¢°f= "».'B“" Y°“ "'“¥‘* ““°°° U9' ° ifiigv: oi 1n§iea'n<$v'<:r?-“alder iilni

' ' ‘ pens."

tml§o:mi'?'e'!I'tolliii;]kes no difference; I

it wor\grand !"' ,

“That isnt crepe. Theta the omce

towel." 1

A member ofparliament enliven-

ed aupolit-ical club luncheon recently by' ling the story of a certain famous politician who attended a. banquet at which it was expected important speeches would be made. A dish of whitebait was set before him arid, after looking at the llsh and then at the other guests, he re- marked:-

"Gentlemen, let us follow the ex-

ample of these little nsh»-drink a Ereat deal and say nothing!"

The legislature of a western state

contains this year several women members. At a recent banquet they were invited to speak, but all Wim Oneaccord be-gan to make excus- 0S.» and on -ct? the mon was asked to represent them. 'He accepted, say. ing that he was willing to act, so far as- in him lay. but that his case was similar to that of a' ,naughty little sirl who was told that it she didnt behave she would be shut up in the ‘chicken-coop.” ' "

“You can shut me up in the

dllckeh-coop it you want io," re- plied she. “but I,a|n't going 10 my any eggs." '

A number of persons were ianong

.,, 1-.

I

"Zn if

e

._ _ _ ll'»;.¢_

< 4

` THE TEN-_\IILE “LlMlT."

"Grand Country you have here, shepherd." "Oh aye, it.‘s no sae ba'/ll; but ye have tae walk ten miles for ii drapple o’

whusky."

` "\\'el1, why not get a barrel and keep it by you ?"

“Mon, mon, it will na. keep."

about telescopes. und_eiich'profes- _-_ __. _,_

sed to linve' i0<>'kc'~d`t_`hru"`._th_@ "largest one in the world." One after an. oihcir told of the powerful erfem of the l”t%!pEctlve 'ts1_¢gcgpeg_ At |53( a \lui_ci man said, mildiyz-

`l _once liulwd thru n telescope.

i dont know as it.wl1s the largest in the world, I hope it wnsn't. But lf b1`0UEht the moon so near that we could soc _thc mnii gesticuiuting in it wildly and crying out; ‘]_>0n'¢ shoot-don't shoot!" The old fool thought it was rt big cannon that we were pointing :it him."

An Irish priest haul labored hard

with one ui’ his flock to induce him ii- give up the habit of drinking, but the mon wus reluctant.

“I toll you, Michael," said the

“whisky is your worst enemy,

should keep as far away

ded 'er-

lls' in the

to love our

was, Michael," rejoined the 'fbut was I anywhere telling Swallow 'em?"

'Sir Frank' Lockwood was on one occasion conducting the defence of n. Denson charged with cattle-stealing, and was pressing a witness in cross- examination to ascertain how far he was away from the animals at a certain time;

“How could you toil they were

bcasts'.{" ho aslmd. `

“Because I could sec 'c~m!" “And how far off can you toil u

bezist'.”' _

\‘Vitness looked calmly :it Sir

Frank, and said. “Just about as far as I nm from you!"

The toficlier .was addressing his

pupils on thu subjects of laziness and ldleness. He drew it, terrible picture ot the habitual loafer-the man who ilisltkes \vork and who hogs for :iii he gots.

"Now, John," said _the teacher to

a little boy who had been very in.- cittentllc-during the lesson. John wal instantly on the alert. “Teil me," continued the teacher, "w.ho is the miserable individual who gets

I |\0I’°» clothes, food, rind lodging, and yet

does nothing in n‘eturii‘."’

Joiin's face brightened. "Please, sir," said lic, "the baby."

During a winter visii. to i~‘loridu

Andrew Cairnegle attended it service in ii little negro church. When the contribution-plate came around, Mr.

Carnegie dropped- ri ilvf-dollar bill upon it. Aii't`er` tho con ents oi' the plate had been counted, tho clergy- man arose and nnnou_ri'cod:--

"Brethren and slate-r'e_n, the col-

lection this ever'iing'»s`oems to nguire up six d`ol'lsi-a i1nd'forty-four centm- iind if the live-duiliir bill contribut- ed by tho gentleman itrom the north iskgenuinei the repnirs on the sanctuary will begin lmi‘m~<liiitely_

._...__. _

never hit snythlnir. anyway-" : ` . , _

' ` ._¢i\\l.H°v°f~'- H T:

' . `/i -i th ar '

::gvu¥:;i;§g!:%l30IiEiessnUn:c?l? nl. our

Hollow ‘ zpnrty, m-fir ii' are would wap; MW ' the cellar stivlrs back- wm-¢ uw, gnu looking over her left shoulder. _nil W?;llg_ r:§‘_§__yf,“° 1”” °¥.lg\\:¢l&,.(%*:;]:he first of Deoembcri" fi 1-inw.,li.;, sm down were wi-"

o ____

Mind the Bu,n1Pl-

wny ot the trans-

he can gener» tires." `

artists were tell- thélr Woflf.

said one. “I

iI\,ll\'IIti1- accuracy the watiir. b‘otftohi.l' *'~§‘ta:¢i--

on iiie of i c

\W°°l' A 'i».4iiv.i-vL noilrmyr. _ » -

~‘\iog)_m (ptr-qiiy): “Young msn. I wllilirm know just li'o\l"'sol`(oun are

win-`in¢s6lri»¢s`ww»ra my dangiiwi-1°' - 1, _ . _

' A nnneniass voice mawwhn a’ri¢u¢\!i= “Mja-anna! Muiimni Hen not

the mtg!" ~ ` '_' ' --Puck,

"A woman came into the hospital

the other day, und -sho was so crusa- eyed that the leurs run down her back."

“You couldn’t do anything for her,

could you?" '

"Yes," we treated her for _bzic~

tcria.”

Barber (illiiisliing the iathorlrig

at .t customer): "Yes, slr, theres no c;\rclf.»ssn»;>ss uliowod by our cm- piuyer. Ecvery time we cut it cus- toiner's face it means o. line of a shilling.”

Then he added, brandishing his

ruzor:--

"But today I ilon'i; cure n rap; I

backed ii wlnncr yesterday, and h-.ive just drawn a sovereign."

Wilkie Btird tells a story of a

husband andwire who were always quarreiiing. A friend called one evening and found them in the ,middle ot _ii row. After the storm had subsided alittle lie ventured to remonstrate with the' husband.

“Look here." he said: "you

shouldn't quarrel like thot, you know. Look at the clog and cut ly. lug m¢I`@~ They get on very well together.” "Y°S» they may," `rcirn-ted me

husband; "but you tie them to. 80111013 Mid Hoc what happens then."

An Amorlciin caiicii upon lo return

th-.inks for the illstinfruislicd strung- ers ui rt public dinner, said:

"This is qulti-i. iiziexiiirctull; in fact,

wlieii I camo into this room l fell niuuli like llunlcl in the lions' den. When l);mic.l got into that place and iookeci round, lie lho;i,;';\; 1., hgmgcin Wiioevc-r‘s got in do '.i~.-,- :‘i`<_ ~:~i1inner Slloilklnx. it wnn’t be mei' "-:Detroit Frou Press.

1"'-W1 "'1`l1H \_Vidov.' D:isli,\v.iiy‘:i

husband dliiift leave her iriuch when he died, tiid hu?" _

Huy! "No, but hr- lofi. ii;-r |::'el.‘.y

often when he vvits uil\'e."~--The Club Fellow.

Sothern, the actor, was once wriik-

ing in the Striincl with n friend on the day of a royal ppeniiig of parlia- ment when theyoverhcard ai man

Ivho had ‘been thrown out uf a pub- ic-house, loudly ` addressing his ejector.

"Another speech from thc ilirown,"

was Sothcrn's comment.

Old Woman: ‘"l‘hey‘re uwfui

iliings, these motor cars! They're not sufe at ull."

Old `\ Miin: "No, therf-'s always

something goin' wrong with them."

Old Woman: “Which wou.i`d ye

rntiier bc in, ai collision or an ex- illusion?" - Old Mun: "l would for rathcr lie in n collision."

Oirl Womiin: “For \vliy'."' (lid llifinz (iimiiglilfiiiiy): "ile-

cnuse in xl collision there yo ure; but in u.ii explosion. where :irc ye?"

L Reminzieil Him.

"A mzui never loses anything by

politeness," sfiid the (iid Finley.

"I_knnw n lot rf mon who nP\jr‘r

intend zo." atlflcrl the Groiich."-C..i- :Inna-bl Enquirer.

Vlorae Luck. _ _

Mzizzinsz "What's the mailer wi..-\

Rrg];~li"'? l'-Io looks \\'rirrErti."

G\i‘\,'i;l:i'.~l: “Ho c.\n'l nionl his hills" Mqgg'-1,4; "']‘<hai‘= n.'ithi‘.ig icuii".

dodge .n\iris\.,"_~f2;irZ::.','!lt‘iil iluinn._

lm”-jgrie; "3h;';i going to l\:~\-0 'nor

picture token iii hier transparent

ntirr." _

Mnggg; "Wh'~ iloesrit sho go

-:nn nt chose X-ray i>ho‘-°zfnx>i\<-\‘e- -Judge.

lvin the Prob om 'foachsfz "lfll cut'i~i lleefsteak in

iviro. and than the halves in two. what 'do -I trot?"

Boy: "Qnarters. sir-" 'i‘vat‘h<-i-: "Cloodi And then

'.-_gninY"

Hoy: "Eigl'iil\s." Teacher: "Ali rlghii And then

again?"

.lloy: "Sixlvc-nine." 'l‘ef\clicr: “Exaotiy! And then?" lioy: "’\‘hii-ty-iv-condo." Teacher: "And then?"

Roy ilinnatk-ni): “linsh!"

. Annu: "What .do you 'suppose makes that baby Cry so awfully loud?"

Grace: "Why, both of its parents

are liurd of lieitring, you know."

V

f'.t%

Ȣ_l|

Just s Hint. The rohof Hp neil.

They had scrambled thru the mit

dance on the program and he was leading her~back to a. seat.

"I could die dancing. couldn't

you?" he asked.

"No," she replied. "There are

pleasanter ways than being tramp- led to death."

The Ruling Passion. _

The great stock operator was un-

der the doctor. On the second day of his illness his nurse took his tem- perature and the iinancier asked her what it showed- “lt's 9954." was the reply. “When li. gets to 100 sell." rejoined the patient

H0 SH°ne Onoe.

Thespis-“When were you I

leading man?" `

Foyer-“When the company had

to walk back from Chicago."

Even.

First Author--“'l`hit Carper is a

beastly sheet; it says you have put a lot of trrisii in youi- recent nook of poems."

Second Author-“Ycs, and it says

that you have put a lot of yourself into your ro-cent novel."

How He Began.

The self-made millionaire was be-

ing lntcr\'lc\vod. and was told it was uiidcI'si/Joii that he had begun life us ai ni-\'.'sl.»ciy. `

"No," hc rcpiicd. "l began lite as

un infant."

N0ve:‘ Quit.

"In the iiiil days doctors used to

bleed piiiiciits for most uf the dis- eases.”

“They still do, my boy; they still

du."

A Fixed Habit.

Smith---"1-las your son any fixed

habit that worries you us to his Iu-

'I' i

ture.

Joiies---"Yea He fights about ten

roniids every morning with the alarm clock."

A Matter of Reach.

};m_-.n; "Thi: Hank of England

makes cnolrgli pilper money euch yi;-nr in rcncl. :irolinil the world"

Egiierl: "'i`iiui'i~i queer- Very little

ui' it. roziulics ine."

v

A l S

l

a-fat... ...- ._-

Billiaiu, I’i‘oud Father: Lummei There 's pluck!

Ready for Practise.

Pi-nfeesoi--~"1f ri person in 5006

liuiitli, but who imagmcd h|m'5"|f sick, should solid for Y0\-\» Whal- wouid you ilri_‘?" __

Medical Siudeii_t- Give him

sometlfng to make hini sick. Mlfi then nilminlster :ln antidote.

Professor-“Don't waste any m0¥`9

iiinc here; liani; out YOUY BhlflB\f=-"

» Sa Different-

GP,-n1('|; "The eiepiuint ls A D0'

cuiiur nniinal." _ _

Geraldine: “’l`ho,t'o S02 h9 hiisnf

iiny coilociion of hoici labcls on his trunk."

The Effect of Moonlight.

it wits :it tho sezishoro und iiicy

were sitting.; on thc hcocii while the moon slinric hcoiilifniiy on the surging waves.

"What (ticct does full moon have

upon the iiclc?" she asked, looking sweetly up into his fnce

"None-" lic replied. us he drew

closer io hc-r, "but it h»_is consider- ulilo :effect upon the un-tied."

A Different Thing. ` (if randy wit ilii- Aruliblshop oi' Ciiiit<‘r1iui~_v iii ii great o.\:urnll Lf. llc Win-i going in with xt iiuxiilier ui' other uit-\'gyii1c:i lu luiiclicoii lifter some great or-clvsiuslicuii filnticn. wlicn nn iiriciu-ni.-i vlignltiiry oliservcil. “Now to put ri l.\ri<ilo on our appetites!"

Qiiigr-ii :is lightning the urchibshop

rriorted: "Soy, ri1thoi','iiow in put a lil! lioiwt-rii nur ieLlh." `

Preeisiicn.

When n. spc.'ikrr`s figures :ire ter

-,n~f*r~is.~- nm lnclinc-s io doubt ihom ilu is like ihn sugar planter in Hu- w:.V '.‘.'i»-\. inking n friend io iiie edge of ii \'|»i~_'fim», said: .

"'i`li:it <‘r:'.‘.er. George, is just 70,004

_voars old." “Hut why llic four?" Grfrtr- or-l<~ri "Oh, l‘\'o been herc four," was thc

rc-ply. "It was 70,000 \vhen_l came."

His Cho'co»

Tho puliiic school buy was being

vleltod hy his mother. “Weil my il-_-or-" elio said io him, “what ian. Klmgcs have you decided to lake up hero?" I have decided io take up I'!crisli." he replied. "Pict'ieh?" sold his mother. "Why, I’lclish?"

Unix' five words of it remain."

iiald lic. ,

__ A Fleeting Shade. DY J°"°~ I M11 sled to lee you

lookinz so say and festive!" asia Mr. Olde Fr:-nd. "You were nil ln black the inet time I snw you."

"Yes." domureiy replied Mrs.

Brown, who had just taken a second. husband; “but it wasn't a fan black."

A Dream That Failed.

Sho: “I dreamed last night thiit you

bought me a new hut for a. present."

Ho: "W':ll. that's the first dream

of n hat you ever had thot didn't cost ine money."-Sydney Bulletin.

Hewitt: “Do you think long hair

makes a man look intclilectuo.i'."

Jewitt: “Not when his wife finds

lt on his cost; it makes him look foolish."

w-- »<}§- ‘ new

rs. on I- o n: ' _

,,,,;_,,,,,,_,;__,,,,_,.»_.__ .Z 4#

rs. , own- : " ,

lo little of eofeh 01333." op .“

DT( t . -`

___?<;;_tle (re¢;.dl°il§T_1t:'>"la‘i§{~JEor;;r_¢}4a); ‘oer.are ec _rr I " Modern‘moXier:"'§o, It

you were. I'd pawn you all and gp abroed."' 1

Ao Usual. , ~_, '_ _

“Did _she tell-her axe?-" ', ' “Partly." ’ _ f ~'°°-'t'

Proforma Herod. _

Mrs. Ryan: "They do be afiher

Bliyln' ‘thlit Qld _mill Kelly has gut io- comothor ata.xy." -

Mr. Ryan-:"‘Weii,' he's got the

money to run wan av thim if he wa/nts ter; but fer- my per.-.i:t, 114) rayther have a good horse anny day."

Poor Noah! ' '

Noah disembarked. "Since my wife conducted 'the 'last

house-cleaning campaign, I can’t even filnd the sa-me _mountains to lit on," he complained.

A Professional Applaudar.

"Did you notice the palms ot that

young man's hands?" .

"Not particularly. Why?" “They are calloused like an iron

workers” _

"That's easy to explain. He 60.0!

' f rowin in the summer, and ln

lots o g ' _ _ the winter he is usher ln a New York tlieutre.”-Charles A. Leedy, in Youngstown Telegram

"Don't you consider my views on

the question Bound?"

"Weil-yes; mostly sound.”

"I fear I have made a mistake.”

..Why._,.. "He proposed in a taxi-cab. The

minute I accepted he paid the 194'! and we got out and walked!"

She:"‘But you mustn’t say you

love me. You must only think it."

He: "But I don't think it; I 0_l\\Y

say ll."

In the Sams Box.

Stern Parent: "Look here, Mr.

Bibhy! You have been calling on my daughter regularly for iilx months. l think it is about time that l inquired :is to your intentions."

Young Bibby: "That's exactly what

I thinkl Either Mabel isn’t able tn muster up the courage to ask me or she 'has forgotten that it is nearly the ond of leap yearl.“

Mary: “How pretty Ido. loolwl" She has just put the hooks into old Gotrox tor'two hundred -dollars at \ir‘i<l;'.e." i

Alice: "Yes, she does look win-

sqmep ..._ ..._i;.-_.-_;.._.

on board a -P. anno.: “W¢'re' SS1-

ting up a tug-oi!~w_ar. 'Married V°l'_|< in single/ Y0u'll<.'i>ler-far 111° ml"-

.,.. .

'N521 Wmf .Y.‘.).`;riea_' ,I ions like min

In .

1' st iieph' seaslclt." 4 ~

,_,__1,_e¢ause ve JU _ __ _ _ _

H.

-‘Could you spare me e.`.coPPBl'. Ulf?

I'm trying to get back to mY Fld mother. she ninrr seen; my few °f

ye'l"IrBb'ciieve you. don't y0"'

wash it?"

b we Gammon!-

vvif;hfr¢':E'i7n§>"= "aries mei: sw-

...-.ttinn ht- sent her a lesul 11°C"- men_t giving her control of their chilr." ` ,_ Hnsonnri (with fl siKh)= Idwéfllf

I knew wlicre we collld E9* at ‘i of ment that v\‘0llld EWG U5 CUl'|_f°

our child."

Suiter; "Your daughter, sir-well.

er- --lh¢il-- is--she told m_e to come to ' : l S Y'-‘U”'°“~ boflntgrze Eaiiite !o»-I understand. Lot's see. are you Mr- Bronson or

Mr. Winans?"

Suiter: "Why- Pm M1" H°*°\1-

kiss."

1|

J

l" \

__

-. He : We have had a terrible scrap. Q, '.I_'

“And I came out _nhelAi." . `

“No. I did. You accepted my apoloq." _

_ "_¥’.f__‘ _ ,

" .

WEEKLY FEATURE. siuiii' inn wnoiesoiie wii _lii\>_iiill\oii

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