NovemMBER 1, 2005

THE CADRE @ 5

Right Here and Now

Rob Walker Copy Editor

There is some very cool stuff going on in the entertainment industry. And I’m not talking about X-men 3 coming out in a few months, or the Wolverine movie being made after that. I’m not even talking about Spider-Man 3 and Topher Grace (Eric from That 70’s Show) being cast to play Eddie Brock’s Venom.

No, I’m talking about something much more itself right from the heart of my childhood:

Ridley Scott has announced his intention to direct an Encyclopedia Brown movie.

Yeah, that’s right. Encyclopedia Brown, the nine-year-old boy who solved small crimes, like who took Timmy’s lunch money or the case of the molesting janitor, is back. But of course, because Hollywood is our literal hell on earth, it’s not going to be that simple.

You see, Ridley Scott (director of Blade Runner, Gladiator and Black Hawk Down, among others) wants to make it an action-adventure movie. Sigh. Look, the pure joy that was Encyclopedia Brown (real name Leroy, but who honestly calls a white kid Leroy?) came from the fact that they were just kids doing kid stuff, but he was smarter than the average 11-year- old.

This is the child detective who was able to catch a kid in a movie theatre because he closed his eyes before going in. The kid has fucking

skills, know what I’m saying? He didn’t know Kung-fu, he couldn’t leap from a burning building, but he sure could make obvious deductions with existing information.

At least with Ridley Scott directing we'll be sure to have the same fantastic dialogue the original books brought us, like this gem:

“Will you help me find my pillow, Encyclopedia?”

“T’1l do my best, but this is the first time I’ve taken a pillow case.”

AHAHAHAHA! That’s quality writing!

Honestly, I love my childhood memories as much as the next person, but this is getting ridiculous. What’s next, a Boxcar Children

movie? Why not just go ahead and make a CG Teddy Ruxpin movie, complete with second-rate actors doing the voices, and completely destroy my childhood?

This is almost as bad as when they wanted to make an adult version with Chevy Chase as Encyclopedia Brown. I mean, did they have good crack in the 80’s or what?

The only saving grace in all of this is that Donald J. Sobol, the creator and writer of all 23 Encyclopedia Brown books, is suing the shit out of anyone trying to make movies or TV shows off his work. Only problem is he sold the multimedia rights away in 1979. Sobol claims the rights will expire soon and he’ll resume control, but I personally

think he’s starting to experiencing

Alzheimer’s ifhe thinks some silly law is going to keep a major Hollywood

OPINION & COMMENTARY

.. And Now For Something Completely Different: The Rants of a University Student

Ryan Gallant Contibutor

Well, it’s that time of the school year again, when midterms finish and finals appear as an impending, yet distant nightmare, and students turn from their studies to what they do best: drinking and making idiots of themselves. There is no better example of this than the behavior at last Thursday’s Halloween Pub at The Wave. Among the sell-out crowd was Carlton Banks of Fresh Prince of Bel- Air, Body Break’s Hal Johnson and JoAnne McLeod, a disproportionate number of bumblebees and bowling pins, and at least two Shaun Coadys. Other than the Ron Burgundy wannabe who I saw throwing up quite violently, fun was had by all. I think the festive mood was best described by one student who, in the crowd, cheerily told Sponge Bob Square Pants “If you push me one more time I am going to smash in your face.” Nice.

The Guardian conducted a Web Poll last week asking Islanders if

_| they thought a roundabout traffic circle

ora ‘T’ intersection with traffic lights should be constructed at the Peter Pan intersection. Come on now. Installing a traffic circle anywhere in Charlottetown is like jumping off Robertson Library into snow banks, fun to watch, but also very, very stupid. A traffic circle would cause many accidents, and within half a week would end up killing, by my estimates, everyone on PEI. You see, conducting a motor vehicle on a traffic

circle requires that the driver a) has at least marginal motor vehicle operating capabilities, b) can merge with traffic, and c) uses a signal light, all of which Islanders have consistently indicated they are grossly incapable of. Having said that I’m sure everyone is just tickled pink with the idea of installing a tenth set of lights on University Avenue, but thankfully, a compelling solution dealing with this very problem was brought up in The Guardian just a few weeks ago. Some genius wrote in to tell Islanders that we should try to save energy by removing a bunch of stop signs from intersections around Charlottetown. That’s awesome! This is easily the smartest thing I have heard in years. We just rip up some stop signs and maybe some traffic lights downtown and suddenly no one has to stop anymore. I’mnot exactly clear on how removing traffic controls is supposed to save energy, but who cares?

Gilles Duceppe of the Bloc Québécois told the world last week that he thinks Québec should have its own army and spy service if it separates from Canada. “Do we need nuclear submarines? We say no. Maybe multifunctional boats to transport troops.” Multifunctional boats? Whoa. Critics agree that this proposed Québec military already sounds better than Canada’s current force. Duceppe continued to say that the Québec Army

would be able to take over existing Continued on page 15