SEPTEMBER 27, 2005

THE CADRE @ 7

Four Television Shows Networks Should Add

To Their Fall Line-Ups

Jamie McGuigan Reporter

A not-so recent survey purported that the average number of televisions per household in the United States is 2.89. Why someone would have .89 ofa television set is the focus of more recent research, but the fact remains that there are an incredible number of televisions in the world right now. Faced with the appalling number of people with televisions, I’m surprised at the total lack of good programming. Thankfully, I have decided to use my journalistic connections to influence the schedules of the major television networks. The following are extremely original and groundbreaking ideas for shows to be added to this falls TV line

up.

1) Zany Reality Show — Reality - Contestants with the fastest fingers can win a chance to be stranded on an island with their big fat obnoxious bosses. Challenges will include being tempted by attractive members of the opposite sex with disgusting foods. The weakest link will be voted off, while only true contenders will be left to fight it out at the end. The top contestant will have to model their business savvy in a chance to compete for a job creating shitty reality TV shows with Mark Burnett.

2) Single White Women Making it Work in the City —- Drama - There’s nothing more serious than a single white women struggling trying to make it ina man’s world. This is especially true when there are no eligible men. These women will demonstrate their independence by either pining over Mr.

Right and unattainable, or having sex with everyone in the city. They will be consistently wealthy, never be shown working and yet remain concerned about careers. Their struggle will not be complicated by minorities, political awareness or social inequalities. Shopping will solve all problems. Anything more serious is alleviated with a stiff girlie drink. They will cope with the pressures society places on the female body and succeed in maintaining a wrinkle free size zero existence. Despite all this, they will still blame all their problems on men. Bonus points are awarded if these women have supernatural powers, such as whispering to ghosts, and still manage to live a charmed existence.

3) Generic Forensic Investigation Police — Drama - Regular cop shows are sooo Dennis Franz. This is 2005 and people have a limited attention span. Acronyms, flashy camera angles, rotating venues and a soundtrack

» composed by the Who are all must

haves in this witty cop drama. More than that what we really need are police officers solving complex crimes with nothing more than their intuition, anda couple thousand dollars of high-tech equipment. This equipment would ensure that cases that normally take years to finish are wrapped up before days end. Common police procedure will be replaced with sharp wit. Good old-fashioned beating confessions out of suspects can be switched with tricking a detainee to confessing within

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Pro-Bono? I think not!

Zac Kurylyk Contributor

Canadians, wake up. No longer does common sense or public benefit decide our government’s spending. Our public purse strings are now in the hands of rock stars.

People who read the newspaper frequently should have noticed an article that came from the Canadian Press recently. The article was a description of a recent U2 concert, in which their lead singer Bono was appraising Prime Minister Paul Martin’s foreign aid commitment.

This has been going on now for a while. Bono latched onto Paul Martin a few years ago, praising his contributions of Canadian tax dollars to Third World countries. Martin seemed to enjoy the Irish rock star’s attention, listing his favorite song as “Beautiful Day” by U2.

Bono seems to _ have subsequently recognized Martin as an easy mark, pressuring him in his concerts to give more and more money away to the Third World. When Paul Martin caves in, Bono praises him and Canadian U2 fans are happy.

But, is Paul Martin being benevolent? Is he really a great, large- hearted benefactor of the starving millions of our planet? The answer, of course, is no.

What Canadians don’t seem to realize is that Paul Martin is being pressured to give their money away to the Third World. The money doesn’t magically materialize in government bank accounts — it comes from Canadians who pay taxes.

Thais raises a few interesting questions. First of all, why not let us give the money away ourselves, instead of wasting some of it by putting it through a bureaucratic process? This system would actually be more efficient and feed more people. Government is inefficient. Even crime wouldn’t pay if the government was in on it.

Another question (and the real point of this diatribe) is (I capitalize for outraged effect)— WHY IS AN IRISH ROCK STAR ALLOWED TO INFLUENCE THE SPENDING OF CANADIAN TAX DOLLARS?

It’s disturbing that this situation even exists. I don’t begrudge starving refugees their money for food. I’m outraged, however, that a pompous performer can even think he has the authority to determine the way a foreign country spends its money. Canadians work hard to earn money to pay taxes

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