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How to Make Love to a Dead Skunk

(an excerpt from ''vets R us'')

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The next time you see a dead skunk lying by the side of the road; don’t just drive past him show him you care.

Of course, making love to askunk raises some difficult questions. How do I get him interested? It is a well- known fact that very few things will excite a dead skunk. The trick is to not let him know you're interested. Pretend you're just stopping for a leak. Don’t be obvious, or the skunk will catch on and lose interest altogether. Dead skunks are highly perceptive.

After coyly shaking off, walk slowly towards the car, stopping in front of the skunk to “tie you shoelace”.

This is when you make your big move. Let your hand wander over to the skunk, and tickle him behind the left ear (see "Erogenous Zones of a Dead Skunk", Volume 3, Chapter 8). If he doesn’t pull away, you know you've got him hooked.

Now comes another tough question. What kind of foreplay do dead skunks enjoy? The most important thing to remember is: dead skunks are extremely conservative. They don’t engage in "heavy petting" at all. To decide on what techniques to use, you must put yourself in the skunk’s position (most likely spread- eagle). What do you think a dead skunk sees when he sees you? Feet. That's right, feet. Dead skunks are notorious foot fetishists. Take off your shoes and socks. It can’t be worse than the smell of a dead skunk.

Wiggle your toes seductively in front of his nose. Kick sand in his face. Not too roughly. Start with short light strokes, and then build up gradually until you can no longer see him. We guarantee that your dead skunk will be so captivated, he won't look at anything else. Now comes the most important question of all. What if the dead skunk gets pregnant? In 1986; unwed dead skunks were a major social problem. Halfway houses from coast to coast were filled to the brim with dead skunk orphans. The answer? Plan ahead. Don’t give the dead skunk your real name. You wouldn't believe how gullible dead skunks are.

However, if you happen to have some hang-up about honesty, there are always dead skunk abortions.

We hope we have she me light on these dead skunk questions that may have been nagging at you lately, and we'll do our best to continue our informative articles in future issues. (Next issue: "Oral sex with your pet giraffe".)

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