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Coffeedrinkeris Waytoomuchis

As summer draws near, gets out his binoculaurs and prepares

$ winter is coming to a close and summer is

drawing near, the mind fills with thoughts of

the warm season. Ah, summer, temperatureis enjoyableis. As the climate of this fair isle begins to change anxious naturalists await the arrival of the not so rare Visitoris Annoyis. Yes the ever intrusive visitoris annoyis, or as they are more commonly known, the American tourist. In preparation for the impending invasion-- I mean, arrival of our southern fiends-- I mean, friends, let us refresh our memory on these weird and wondrous creatures.

Visitoris annoyis are most commonly seen during the three summer months, June, July, and August. In recent years naturalists have observed a September influx of older Annoyis known as the Guidetouris Senioris. The summer Visitoris arrive usually via large, gas-guzzling, motor-powered devices called ‘‘station wagons’’.

It should be noted that upon arrival the annoyis have a tendency to be extremely testy. This characteristic is caused by the continuous subjection to a phenomenon known as ‘‘country music’. ‘‘Country music”’ has become an increasingly common malaise in recent years. Leading experts on this most serious dilemma attribute its widespread effect to the puzzling Rhythmis Absentis (otherwise known as the Achy breaky guy), which will be featured as part of our upcoming ‘‘Destroyers of Sanity’’ series.

Much to the amusement of local naturalists, some of the annoyis have been known to leave these ‘‘station wagons’’ on ‘‘the other side’’ due to the fact that their extreme lack of knowledge has let them jump to the conclusion that our isle is small enough to be travelled on foot. This decision has been labelled by some as the

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to do some tourist watching

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stupidis Americanis pedestrianis assumptionis theory. All in all, a most amusing event.

The Annoyis usually travel in small groups consisting of an eldermale(dadis nosenseofdirectionis), andelder female(momis themapsaysthiswaydearis), a younger male(thisplacesucksis moronis) and a younger female(mucho embarrassedis).

They can most commonly be seen at the numerous retail and fast food outlets and a particular white-with-green farmhouse. The reason for the interest in this particular white- with-green farmhouse is a large parking facility which sets it apart from the many other white-with-green farmhouses that litter our fair province.

The Annoyis are also easily recognized by their unique appearance. The elder male traditionally is seen in short shorts

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and a t-shirt with low-cut sneakers and long white sports socks, giving his legs a slight chicken-legged appearance. The elder female is commonly clad in much the same way, with the socks and sneakers replaced by pumps in a green, orange or pink

tone, which matches the shorts. The elder female also often

sports a large head ornament of the same colour as her pumps. The younger male also sports a t-shirt and sneakers and a ballcap, all items of _ clothing readily endorsing athletic teams:

professional teams for the very young, and college teams for the teen male. The younger female wears a t-shirt as well, but would prefer to wear other clothing; however, her group insists she toe the fashion line. Itisuncanny the number oft-shirts the average annoyis seems to have, but regardless of this fact they are always on the prowl for another.

Annoyis are perhaps best known for their unique language. Some of the more common examples of which are:

“*So you take American money?’’

“‘Can I have my change in AMERICAN please!’’

“What size is s/p?’’

“Your money is so stupid looking!’’

The Annoyis usually stay for a week or so before returning to their homeland, the suburbs and small towns of that distant utopia, the U.S. of A..

While the Annoyis are quite loud and overbearing, they can be silenced quite easily through the employment of french, the presence of which strikes fear into the hearts of annoyis the world over.

The only known enemy of the visitoris Annoyis is the menacing salesclerckis Stanleyis.

And so we conclude this special refresher look at the Visitoris Annoyis, coming soon to at-shirt shop near you. You have been warned.

NEXT WEEK: Obnoxiousis Engineeringstudentis.

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