Animal spirits take revenge on the Barn

By Vetta Vaibo.

“Would you be able to work in a place where the spirits of long-dead cows are breathing down your neck lowing, “Mooooove

outl’?” asks - Student Union VP External Les Smith.

All four executive mem- bers of the SU have walked out of the Barn to protest the ghost-infested working conditions.

"‘I think it’s that stupid. Bill Murray movie,” said Michelle Dorsey, Presi- dent,xsa_ying she means to take the matter to Council at its Sunday night meet- ing. _

The execs say they have been disturbed . . . . literally

. by manifestations of long-dead animals who used to inhabit the Barn, not too long ago.

As late as the early sixties, the Barn was still a barn. From its roster of cows, pigs and chickens, decadesof St. Dunstan’s High School students were fed.

Now the massacre vic-

tims are taking their pound of flesh. Howard Beattie, VP

Internal, claims to have seen “a pig with blazing eyes riding bareback on a donkey with the words

‘Class of ’32, SDU’ white- washed on the side”. Beattie would not re- spond to allegations that the sighting had taken place in the Panther Lounge at 1:30 Saturday

. morning.

Amateur parapsycho- logist Mickey Place attri- butes the strange visitaé tions to a resurgence in beastly presence brought about by the construction of the Atlantic Veterinary College, and saysthe Barn can be returned to its normal though humdrum state by sacrificing three members of the newly- ‘formed’Pre-Vet Club to the Liberal Arts program. 1 Whatever the cause, Treasuer Ken Mutter re- sponded succinctly to the situation, in reply to a question from the Gem.

"‘What?” he said.

This is not the first time

unearthly sights have been

recorded at the Barn.

In 1982, when a fire destroyed much of the Barn’s interior, witnesses claimed to have seen clouds of fluorescent fowl rising to the sky, and reported an intense scent of roast pork coming from the basement, where a voice not unlike Miss Piggy’s warbled, “I’m On

Fire for You Baby”.

General Manager Heather Love says the Barn’s insurance policy does not reimburse the Student Union for days lost waiting for cow spooks to disappear, and recommends setting up office in the Planetarium in the meantime.

“That’s a good strategic spot, from where we can

keep an eye on our build- ing,“ she told this reporter.

Pause. “Or what used to be our building,” she mused.

Apparently, Blue Cross will not cover the SU either.

At last report inmates of CIMN still had not abandoned the premises,

despite fierec community

pressure and strong shows

for support from the staff of the Gem. (See Arts column for our review “Support: A Show”.) Some speculate that the remaining DJ’s, who are also the infamous Panther- maniettes, could be con- nected with the resurgence of mystic and malevolent animal power, having learned the immensely powerful codeword which recalled from Cow Hell

the leading ghost ruler, Bovinias.

The password? We dare not say it correctly, but what do you get when you speel ahahahoohooM back- wards? ‘

Oh no, you said it! Now the disease will spread to Blanchard, to Marian. to Duffy, to every formerly safe building on campus.

Even to Moohoohaha Main Building .... ..

To be nuked or not to

By Jonathan Orlowski (what a simple question)

Why else are the Ruskies coming to the UPEI cam— pus? You don’t really be— lieve they are coming here just to talk about nuclear disarmament?

An undercover GEM agent. Boris Petrov, has revealed, “It’s Our potato market they want.”

So why Charlottetown?

“Soviet rumour hath it

that Charlottetown is the potato capital of the capitalist world and it is believed that Prince Edward Island supports most of the capitalists’ dietary needs.’ ’ “They also continued Boris,

believe, “That

nuked “

the, potato contains a secret ingredient that is so secret I’m not even going to tell you for this interview. I will, however, tell you off the record.”

Looking around suspi— ciously and satisfying his mind, he moved closer to my ear and said, “It’s whisper, whisper giggle

whisper”. Then he leaned back, cleared his throat and continued, “So you see they want to learn these techniques for farming potateos.”

He lowered his voice. “In exchange for these techniques, they will give Out Redprints and instruc- tions on How to Build a Russian Bomb Shelter in

250 Easy Steps (A Sovre: best seller with o.er 20 million copies already sold.) I have read the book myself and it is full of holes. No body will last mere than 5 days in such a structure.

What will this mean to PEI? “Once they have obtained the potato tech»- nology, a fighter plane will fly over the Island and spray chemical residue over the landscape. Then comes the Nuke attack.”

. “Once con— tact is made with the radiation. ARPP (anti-

radiation potato protec- tant) residue will grow into ten foot thick gelatin which will protect the

potatoes and eventually smother the bomb shelter residents. After the radia- tion has settled (4‘5 years)

the Soviets will fly in cargo planes, full of equipment to remote the gelatin and dCDthii li into

the stagnant sen. PH will he declared Smie: o:— cupietl territory and they will grow potatoes their own people. ” As a last' triumphant gesture, The Russians are planning to Christen a site by slamming a 1908 bottle of ,Vodka (Vintage year) into the ground and at— taching a string from its nect to the Great White Wall, thus completing a successful mission.

ior

Seeing-E ye Cat trainer signed

By Kenny Aitken

The administrators of the U.P.E.I. Vet College are “happier than a cat climbing curtains” after they signed the distinguished world re— nowned Russian scientist Dr. Nikolai Catcough into their facutly.

Dr. Catcough is known the world over for his remarkable training of the Seeing Eye cat.

Dr. Catcough began the training of Seeing Eye cats as a result of the problem faced by Siberian salt mine workers becoming disorientated in

poorly lit salt tunnels.

Dr. Catcouch has trained over 10,000 Seeing Eye cats, which help guide the salt mine workers in their daily routine.

This week, I had an op— portunity to interview Dr. Catcough about his plans at the U.P.E.I. Vet College. Dr. Catcough says, “I hope to train enough Seeing Eye cats for every student and faculty member.”

He continues, “It is a cat- astrophe that there has been no solution to the poorly lit library and campus up until now.”

In conclusion, it is purr- fectly clear that the addtion of Dr. Catcough into the U.P.E.I. Vet Faculty will be a boost to students, faculty, and kitty litter sales.