OcrtosBer 25, 2005

THE CADRE @ 5

OPINION & COMMENTARY

.. And Now For Something Completely Different: The Rants of a University Student

Ryan Gallant

Contibutor

Moron’s has certainly learned its lesson and has classed up the joint after being put out of business for six months this year. Not only has it performed the business-savvy maneuver of re-hiring the managers that took the whole place under to begin with, but it has also reverted to more tasteful entertainment, such as the Mr. Naturally Hard Body Pageant that will be going on over the next few weeks. Mr. Naturally Hard Body. Oh wow. Sounds like yet another reason to frequent the pristine sanitary premises of Moron’s. Now 17 year olds will become increasingly torn between feeding their heroine addictions at the Velvet or dancing the night away at the infamous Foam Parties at Myron’s, which in my opinion must be at least one of the top ten ways to catch the Chinese Chicken Flu. —

Sylvester Stallone has heeded the calls of his tens of fans and has announced his intention to make another Rocky movie. Well thank god. That plotline has certainly not been beaten to death yet. The 59-year-old actor will once again return as Rocky Balboa, this time as a boxer reluctant to return to the ring. Well no kidding. When you’ re pushing 60 you can only take so many cracks to the face before you’ re laid- up ina hospital like one of the Lindros brothers. Stallone has said that Rocky will reluctantly return to the ring not to win, but only to compete. Well, what a great message for today’s geriatrics. “You can try all you want, but you sure as hell can’t win.” Good one Stallone. Idiot.

Here’s another brainwave from the wonderful City of Summerside. (Actual slogan: “Garden of the Gulf,” which wouldn’t be that bad ofa slogan, except for the fact that the Gulf of St. Lawrence happens to be on PEI’s North Shore. “Hey morons! Other side!”). Yes, all-around genius and general pain in the ass Mayor Basil Stewart suggested last weekend during a meeting of Atlantic Mayors that we make a bid for the 2016 Olympics. Splendid. I wonder why no one has thought up this little jewel of ingenuity before. After a quick look at other potential bids I would have to say our major competitors would be Tokyo, New York, or New Delhi, not only because they actually have a hope in hell of effectively runing Olympic-sized events and of being able to construct facilities and host a couple million people, but probably also because the combined population of these three cities is roughly 23,000 times that of Summerside. 5

But you know, when you’ve been mayor ofa city like Summerside for 20-odd years, maybe you know a bit more about our region that some smart ass University student like me, so let’s consider his proposal for a minute. [mean Summerside already has a stellar ad campaign going that they could present to the IOC: “..downtown Summerside, bring the family, downtown Summerside, we need University...” and so on. Of course, if we did, by chance, win the Games of the XXXI Olympiad,

Continued on page 18

The Axe Effect

Jamie McGuigan Reporter

I sure am busy these days. Mid- terms, work, and fanmail have got me swamped. It seems like there’s somuch to do and not enough time in the day to do it in. That’s why I’m thankful for Axe, and knock-off Tag for creating 2- in-1 deodorant/colognes. Thanks to these two fantastic products I no longer have to stand in front of the mirror with a quizzical look on my face pondering whether my deodorant and cologne will clash in scent.

Of course there’s nothing new about 2-in-1 time saver items. They’ve been making the human race better for years. Products such as shorts with underwear lining, shampoo/conditioner, and beer with alcohol have been making all the tough decisions easy in life. Therefore it makes perfect sense for me to invest in a product such as a deodorant/cologne, especially since I place a lot of value on smelling like an open sewer.

As if the time saving these products offer isn’t enough to secure your business, the guarenteed sex should. That’s right, if you’ ve ever seen an Axe or Tag commercial and read the small print you would have noticed that they guarentee that if the product does not get you laid, the CEO will personally come to your house and sleep with you. Sweet. However, believe it or not it’s not all having sex with your girlfriends mother and smelling disgusting. These companies offer no liability for flying elbow drops, or drop kicks to the face that might arise from using these irrestible products. Shocking.

Finally, Axe is currently enrolling students in OSeduction UO. Apparently this is some sort of pick-up bootcamp. Why anyone using Axe would need social skills to seduce to women is beyond me. Two squirts of Axe brand deodorant/cologne and you'll be beating the ladies off with a stick. Nevertheless, this is an extensive course to teach socially challenged wussies how to hold hands on the first date. Similar to an Arts degree, a diploma from Seduction U is utterly useless and doesn’t improve your chances of getting a job.

Axe and Tag deodorant is ridiculous. The only way they can get anyone to wear their disgusting deodorant/cologne hybrid monster is with loads of sexual innuendo. IfTever wear any, I’ll definitely be wary of getting attacked by girls but not because they want me. I’d expect to get punched in the nose for stinking up the elevator at work. Deodorant/colognes stink.

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