NovemBer 19, 2004

Liam McKenna Sports Editor

I have recently been getting many questions asked to me about the current state of the game and have decided to compile a list of frequently asked questions in order to save myself valuable time for schoolwork and/or nothing. Hopefully all four ofmy avid readers will find this a valuable guide to

my opinions concerning the greatest game on Earth.

Q: Who is better, Martin Brodeur or Patrick Roy?

A: This is one of the most debated questions in hockey today. Upon his retirement, Patrick Roy had been hailed by many as the greatest goaltender ever to play the game. He held the record for almost every goaltending statistic possible, including wins and playoff wins. He also sported an excellent, sleek, and greasy mullet for the better part of his career.On the other hand, Martin Brodeur is on his way to breaking many of Roy’’s records at an electrifying pace. That being said, however, Brodeur also played with the NHL team that practically invented the North American Trap, one of the worst things to ever happen to hockey, and boasted a defense which consisted of

THE CADRE @ 13

FAQ from the Hockey Expert

Scott Neidermayer, Scott Stevens, etc. Although Patty would go on to have better defenseman such as Bourque towards the end of his career, at the height of his heyday in Montreal he boasted one stellar defenseman— Eric Desjardins — who was assisted by other greats such as Patrice Brisebois and Kevin Haller (note: sarcasm). Brodeur also has short, curly hair, not nearly as awesome as Patrick Roy’’s greasy mullet. Roy is better overall. _

Q: Does having long hair make mea better player, then?

A: No. Long hair does not make youa better player, however it has been shown to make players with notable skill, such as Jaromir Jagr, into much more effective players. Mike Ricci, Scott Neidermayer, and Patrick Roy (see above) have also used this tactic to their benefit. Darryl Sutter has actually been heard to attribute Calgary’’s unlikely success in last year’’s playoffs to Mike Commodore’’s rad locks.

Q: But Mark Recchi, who you say is the

best player in the world, does not have rad locks.

A: Mark Recchi is far too good for long hair. also donot have long hair. Suffice to say, if Mark and I did grow rad locks, our mad skill and coolness could no longer be contained. It might very well cause the end of the world.

Q: What is the solution to the lockout? A: Normally, I would say letting Bettman and Goodenow fight to the death. However, as this technique has already been employed and does not seem to be solving anything, I would say make the players listen to Jean Beliveau. Oh yeah, and someone should kill Chris Chelios. Isn’t he old

enough to be dead yet anyway?

Q: Whatever happened to Andre “Red Light” Racicot, the former Montreal goaltender? :

A: Itis believed that old Red Light and his good friend and fellow bad goalie Jon Casey have started a bar in Manhattan. It apparently doesn’t do very well, because nobody pays cover

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watching... there’

| Research shows that in the past six months, over ~~ 2,800 young adults purchased tobacco products for minors.

Are YOU one of them?

It is against the law to sell or provide tobacco products to minors. Don't be a statistic. Let's keep tobacco out of the hands of children. It’s time for you to make the save!

and it’’s not like these two could stop anything from going in.

Q: Are any of these questions frequently asked? A: No.

Q: You failed to mention the UPEI team as an alternative to the lockout in your last article concerning hockey. Why do you hate everyone so much here at UPEI? Shouldn’t you resign? Do youeven play hockey?

A: The UPEI team provides excellent hockey and is on par with the Rocket as the best lockout alternative. I, for one, have not played hockey professionally since I was six and in squirts, and was failed to be signed as a free agent. Like other players who suck at hockey (read: Kelly Hrudey), I decided to go into journalism. I’m having too much fun to resign.I love UPEI and everything about it -- just ask the field hockey team.

COM